A few more comments
At 11:18 AM 9/24/97 -0500, Ranma Al'Thor wrote:
The young officer saluted the commander. "Sir, the operation is
complete. The final locks have clicked into place. KAIN will never
bother the galaxy again."
Rule #1 (of life *or* anime): Never say Never ^_^
She was short, and in excellent shape for a woman of her age,
thought she had a slight limp in her right leg. Whatever that was
^^^^^^^ = though?
exactly.
Whatever *what* was? The limp or the leg?
"What other job lets you blow up Genom corporate property legally on
a daily basis?" Leon started checking the menu.
Ryu laughed. "Well, other than working FOR Genom. They blow up
enough of their own property for five companies."
Priss started checking out the menu. "Besides, if I joined the
ADPolice, they might stick me with you, Leon."
A bit of personal preference on my part, I guess, but I think it sounds
really weird to use almost the exact same phrase to describe Leon's action
and then Priss's action a few seconds later.
"However, this proved unnecessary, as the offending sexaroid was
found tied up on the roof of the ADPolice building, with photographic
evidence and a Tarot card, the Queen of Swords, lying nearby. The
suspected sexaroid claimed a flying woman in a kimono with a glowing sword
had captured her. The investigation remains in progress." The newsman
paused and shuffled some papers on his desk.
IIRC, Sexaroids are not common on Earth - weren't they legally banned
because of their ability to synchronize with certain types of weaponry? And
Genom shipped them all off to Genaros? If so, wouldn't the newscast be
playing up the appearance of a banned boomer-type as well?
< There had been an earthquake a little while earlier. Priscilla
Samantha Asagiri had never experienced one before. She hoped no one had
gotten hurt. She tried calling some people, but the phone lines were
dead, so she turned on the CD player to listen to some music and wait for
her parents to get home.
Does Priss live outside Tokyo? (because the 2nd Kanto was only be an
'earthquake' (as opposed to a disaster) and her home still has utility
services (electricity, definitely)?) If so, why would she be sent to an
orphanage *in* Tokyo - wouldn't they (if they still stand) be overflowing
and unable to take outsiders?
< "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, Priscilla," The
officer began. He winced, thinking about the death of the poor child's
parents, which he had witnessed during the quake only hours before. The
song ended and her world shattered in pieces at the same time. >
How did they identify the parents so quickly? From the above, I assume the
officer was in Tokyo during the quake? Why would he leave Tokyo shortly
after - they'd need him in the city! And if Priss doesn't live in Tokyo, the
Tokyo police would not be making any notifications - the locals would.
Leon and Priss stood outside the door of Priss' trailer, at that
akward stage when you don't want to leave each other's presence, but
^^^^^^ = awkward
Priss smiled in a rather uncharacteristical way. "Me too. I almost
I think the word you want is 'uncharacteristic' (I don't think
'uncharacteristical' is a word)
Celia nodded. "I'll chew out Linna in the morning. Macky, take them
home."
He did.
Again with the personal preference, but I'm finding these little "wrap-ups"
(like this one) and the end-of-section foreshadownings amazingly annoying.
Most of the time you don't really need them - they don't do anything to
advance the story. In the above case, you can end the section with Sylia's
speech and not lose a thing. She told Mackie to do something - it's assumed
by the reader that he did it (I think this assumption is valid for any
character in any fic), UNLESS you tell the reader that he didn't. Hence,
saying he complied is redundant information
As for foreshadowing, as I told someone else the other day, I guess I'm of
the 'don't hint to the reader about what's going to happen, let the reader
find out about it when it does happen' school (I don't think most
foreshadowings of the "he didn't know it then, but he would regret it later"
type really add anything to the story)
Obviously I've been reading ahead ^_^
Speaking of which, in a later section you have a flashback with Chief Goto
and Chief Shinobu. That would be like having a scene with Chief Biles and
Chief Jeanne. The woman's family name is Nagumo. Shinobu is her given name.
Jeanne Hedge
http://www.accsyst.com/jhedge/