>From fcasper@yesic.com



Skipping lots of hentai activity... (Hey, I'm not running a sex clinic

here!)

Jariten: (glaring at Ataru while whispering) You're going to PAY

Moroboshi......

This is VERY restrained for Heaven's Brat.

is about to ask why when

Shinobu enters the room and he wisely keeps his mouth shut.

Think about rephrasing her action in terms of his observation of it.

Therefore all parts of the sentence would be him either actively or

passively doing something.

(leans over to kiss him)

This is forwards of her and public of him.  How far have they gone?  Is

this an alterverse fic where they've already been shagging or a "moment in

time" fic where everything leads off of Ataru's story?

Tsubame

is not even half the man I am.

And Shinobu is twice the man that Shutaro is.

Chibi, Perm, Kakugari and Ryuunosuke.

She's joined the gang-of-four?  At last they have a real man.

Lum takes a step back, scared by the sheer mayhem unleashed in

Onsen-Mark's eyes and quickly takes a seat, along with Ataru.

Most days they take different seats, but today they're very distracted.

Shinobu is not a slut by nature like Ran and Ami

Hey, Shinobu is UY's number one babe, just see the XYZ manga!

Tsubame: (looking exasperated) NO! I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT STUFF!!!

Yeah, we knew that about Shinobu.  Question is if she can stay in the

bonds when excited or is it just anger that unleashes her strength.

Tsubame is sprawled out on the bed motionless

looking like a dead fish out of water from the shock of Mendou's attack.

Tsubame's incapacity is very poorly handled.  It seems to be some sort of

creeping paralysis.

Ryoko: (picks up the pitcher) Allright then....I'll just take it up to

my room and drink it there! (starts to walk away)

Wouldn't Ryoko choose somebody else to be the guinea pig?

wearing a skimpy black kimono with red roses on it.

How can you have a skimpy kimono?



About the Hentai stuff, have you considered a dictionary of profanity?  (I

don't think that some of these words mean what you think them to mean.)

Ryuu: YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A....LIKE A....(About to cum) A REAL

WOMAN!!!! OH YES!!!!!!!!!!!

If this was in Japanese we'd get to see if she used "masculine speech"

here.

Lum: (who is wearing an outfit similar to Ryoko's and looks mad)

At the moment Ryoko is only wearing Ataru, t'cha?

Ran: She stayed with him just long enough to lock his heart and now he

chases after her all the time.  (looks sad)

I thought it was "Rei who?" time...

Ami walk in next, shocked.

At least use consistent tense inside sentences, t'cha?

Ran takes one of the ice cubes and

Those ice cubes disappear very quickly.  This is the last we see of any of

them.

Shinobu begins to slap and punch Shutaro to get away

Why doesn't she just hit him with a desk?



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb