found this bit, heard someone was asking for it,
I pulled it off of the Dave Barry library online,
over at the website of.... er... whatever newspaper
it is that he works for.
If anyone there is reading this now, please don't
sue me, I'm not doing this for profit. n.n;;;
-rpm
Keeping America safe for perkiness
By DAVE BARRY
Knight-Ridder News Service
AS AN AMERICAN, I am ticked off about Sailor Moon.
What is Sailor Moon, you ask? Shut up and I will tell you.
Sailor Moon is a licensed-cartoon-character merchandising concept that
is about to be dumped on us by the people who brought us the Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers. If you've never heard of the Mighty Morphin
Power Rangers, go to a window right now, open it, and listen. You'll
hear the high-pitched, irritating sound of small children all over
America demanding in whiny voices that their parents take out second
mortgages so that they can buy official Power Rangers action figures,
lunch boxes, backpacks, underwear, snow tires, forklifts, assault
rifles, ponies, marital aids, members of Congress, and hundreds of
other licensed spinoff products.
The cause of this whining is a daily TV show starring the Power
Rangers, a group of low-IQ trailer-park dwellers who have extramarital
affairs with their in-laws and screech at each other in front of a
live studio audience.
No, wait, that's the ''Jerry Springer'' show.
The Power Rangers are a group of teen-agers who have the ability to
transform themselves into crime-fighters with the power to beat the
living starch out of evil beings while speaking very bad dialogue. I
don't see this show very often, so to obtain more information, I
called up my Research Department, Judi Smith, who has young children
and therefore has Power Rangers coming out of her pores.
''How do the Power Rangers transform?'' I asked her.
''They call on the power of their Zords,'' she explained.
''The power of their swords?'' I asked.
''No,'' she said, in the tone of voice that you use to talk to a dog,
''their Zords. Z-O-R-D-S. Zords.''
''Thanks,'' I said.
A few minutes later, Judi called back to report that she had discussed
this issue with her husband, Tim, who is a college history professor.
''Tim says they don't call on the power of their Zords to transform,''
she reported. ''He says they just morph.''
''I see,'' I said.
''I asked him how they morph,'' she said, ''and he said, quote, "They
have morphing capability.' ''
''Well,'' I said, ''that certainly clears . . . ''
''He says the morphing capability must come from that guy with his
head in the tube.''
''Ah,'' I said.
''But they definitely call on the power of their Zords for
something,'' she said.
So we see that the Power Rangers can have a dangerous impact on our
brain function, and now we face the additional menace of Sailor Moon.
According to an Associated Press story, Sailor Moon is the blond,
ponytailed heroine of a wildly popular Japanese cartoon show. Sailor
Moon leads a team of female superheroes who wear miniskirts and go-go
boots; according to the AP story, they ''combat evil and sexism''
using special powers that they get from their ''magical brooches,
scepters and compacts.''
That's right: These heroines, striking a bold blow against sexism and
outdated stereotypes of women, get their power from jew elry and
makeup.
We can only try to imagine the plot action:
FIRST FEMALE SUPERHERO: Uh-oh! It's the evil villain Lord Pustule!
He's going to destroy the world!
SECOND FEMALE SUPERHERO: Not if I can help it! Toss me the eyeliner!
The AP story also says that parts of some Japanese episodes will not
be shown to American audiences, such as the one in which a member of
Sailor Moon's team ''proudly refers to the size of her breasts.''
Do you want to know what really ticks me off? What ticks me off is
this quote from a male spokesperson for the company that's importing
Sailor Moon to the U.S.: ''Today's little girls want to be just as
strong as boys. Barbie is not really an appropriate role model
anymore.''
Do you hear that, Americans? He's putting down Barbie. He's trying to
tell us that Barbie--who smiled perkily through the entire Cold War;
who has remained fiercely loyal to Ken despite the fact that her hair
is combable and his is molded plastic; who has been used to set fire
to a set of underwear on the David Letterman TV show; who has never
felt any need to refer to the size of her breasts--this guy is trying
to tell us that Barbie is not strong enough.
Well, Sailor Moon Spokesperson, perhaps you would change your tune if
you took a gander at the Nov. 28, 1994, issue of Fortune magazine,
sent in by several alert readers. On page 170, you will see two
photographs showing the kind of grueling tests Barbie is put through
by the Mattel Corp. The top photograph shows Barbie in a complete
scuba outfit (of course it's pink), submerged in a tank, where she has
been underwater for 15 straight hours--and her hair still looks
perfect.
The bottom photograph--which is, for my money, the most fascinating
photograph ever published in Fortune magazine--shows Barbie in a
machine labeled ''BITE TESTING FIXTURES.'' This tests to see whether
Barbie will crack when young people, for whatever reason, bite her.
Barbie is wearing black hot pants and a pink blouse; her right foot is
clamped tightly inside the jaws of a scary-looking machine, and
there's a noose-like string going around her neck.
You'd think Barbie would feel depressed, being treated like this by
her own manufacturer, but she looks just as chipper as ever. Her right
arm is raised in a cheerful wave, as if she's saying: ''It takes a lot
more than strangling me while crushing my foot to make this licensed
character lose her fundamental American spunk and perkiness, Sailor
Moon Spokesperson!''
You tell him, Barbie! The rest of America is standing behind you on
this! We're sick and tired of seeing our precious cultural heritage
undermined, and we're going to defend our traditional licensed
characters against attacks from abroad, no matter what it takes, even
if this means--and I do not say this lightly--that we must call on the
power of our Zords.