Heres something to go with lunch...
I stole almost all these characters from some tallented author.
Matthew Trotter, Chapter 4: Lists, Stacks, and Queues
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High above the earth there is a satellite. It is in a geosynchronous
orbit. It is receiving a signal from a bunker dug deeply into the
earth below. The signal foreshadows dread events to follow. On the
satellite a red light begins to flash setting in motion the robotic
inhabitants of the satellite, and its one sole occupant.
Deep within the bowels of the satellite a little light begins to
flicker, further down from that in a darkened room are row after row of
seats. On the front row three figures are silloetted on a large screen.
We have Movie Sign
<Scene opens on a down town street. A person or two walks by. View
begins to pan down the street.>
<voice over: Akane> It was the summer that Nabiki went to America on the
foreign studies program. Ranma and I thought our financial troubles were
over. Then about a week after Nabiki was gone Dad told us he'd been
going over the budget. Without Nabiki's contribution, the dojo was
netting a gross income of zero.
<view begins to pan past Kasumi. Kasumi is holding a spatula, a pan,
and a sign that says "Will cook for food.">
<voice over: Akane> With out Nabiki we had to find a new source of income.
<view pans further down the street to Ranma. Ranma is holding a sign
that says "Will fight for food.">
<voice over: Akane> Dad called Nabiki last night. She said that she
could come home after the first summer semester . . .
<view pans by Akane. Akane is wearing a party dress and holding a sign
that says "Will date for food.">
<voice over: Akane> . . . for a fee.
<view pans even further down the street. Kodachi and Tatewaki Kuno are
approaching rapidly. Tetewaki has a bunch of roses in one arm, his sword
under the other, and is carrying a bag of canned goods in his free hand.
Kodachi is wearing a wedding dress and cackling to herself.>
<voice over: Akane> Its going to be a long summer.
<Fade to Titles: What I Did For My Summer Vacation.
Music: Cruel Summer, by Bannanaramma.
Scenes of Akane and Ranma begging on street corners, robbing banks, and
standing around a fire barrel at night interspersed with scenes of Nabiki
in class.
Fade back to street scene. Tetewaki approaches Akane.>
"These roses are for you my love"
"Um, Kuno, I don't work for . . ."
Tetewaki holds up a hand, reaches into the bag of canned goods and
takes out a can of ravioli, a can of spaghettio's's, and two cans of
vegetable soup, "Ah Akane, for you only the best, but you will please
excuse me as I must smite the villain Ranma Saotome for bringing you to
this lowly status."
Ranma looks at Tetewaki and holds out his hand, "Ok Kuno, pay up."
"You insolent wretch, you dare demand payment for the satisfaction of
destroying you?!"
"Look Kun . . . ."
"Fine then you shall have a fitting reward," Tetewaki reaches into the
sack again, this time he pulls out a can of asparagus, three cans of
spinach, and a can of spam.
"Oh man, this is even worse than Halloween."
Ranma and Tetewaki begin fighting. Ranma looks bored but doesn't try
to hit on Tetewaki. After a few minutes of Ranma dodging Tetewaki's attacks
he steps back and puts his hand over his heart.
"Oh. I have been mortally injured by your skill. Oh great one. I . .
.Next card dummy."
Akane scowls at Ranma and holds up a different que card.
"I am defeated. Oh the shame. Now the lovely tomboy . . ."
WHAM!!!!!
Tetewaki blinks twice. And then turns back to Akane, who tosses the
broken que cards aside.
"Now my dearest Akane, what shall we do on our date?"
"Uh . . . lets eat first, I'm starving."
"Ah, and to what restaurant shall . . . oh."
Tetewaki notices Akane pointing at Kasumi and begins rummaging in the
sack again. After a minute he comes out with, chicken noodle soup, Sir
Chompsalot, and some chili. Looking a little shame faced he hands them
to Kasumi. They head off toward the Tendo dodo.
<in the background> "This is Akane's sign! I'm just holding it for her!
Besides, I ain't workin' for stewed tomato, blackened peas and a jar of
pigs feet!"
"But Ranma darling, brother dearest gave all the good stuff to Akane!"
<voice over: Akane> I wonder what happened to Ryoga? He said he was
going to try and get a job to help out . . .
<view zooms three streets over. Ryoga is standing by a puddle in the
street with a sign "Jusenkuo tours, will guide for food."
[the smaller of two robots speaks] Joel?
[The man(Joel) turns toward it] Yes Tom?
[Tom] When does the hurting stop?
[the larger robot speaks] I want my mommy!
[Joel] Guys, pull yourselves together, that was just the film short. The
worst is yet to come!
[large robot] you don't mean . . .
[Joel] Yes Crow, there's even more bad fan fiction coming.
[Tom] No! I don't think I can take it!!!!
[Joel] Sorry folks, we'll be right back.
Commercial Sign
<Scene opens on a dark and brooding cityscape. High above it, barely
fitting on a ledge, is Fatman. On his shoulder is Robin.>
<Robin shifts his weight and Fatman starts to fall> "Tweet tweet tweet![1]"
<Fatman plummets to the street and explodes in a huge fireball that
engulfs the whole view. The view rockets backward, as it does, it
appears to pass through some kind of tunnel. As it exits the tunnel it
becomes apparent the tunnel was a hollow letter[2]. Other letters become
visible as the view zooms back. The spell out:
Fatman Forever
<cut to a confused looking Mariah Carry> "Now that's incredible?"
*
[1] Holey Nuclear holocaust Fatman!
[2] While its not red, the flames behind it give it that illusion.
************
<titles over out of focus and blury background:
Spamco International
presents
[Tom] From the same people that brought you mystery meat in a can.
[Joel] Now we know its got to be good.
A
Matthew Trotter
FanFic
[Crow] I don't remember him on the Globe Trotters.
[Tom] I don't think they let Luke and John on the team either.
In Association with
The Rumormonger Press
And
VMSC Ltd.
[Joel] At least that's what I heard.
[Crow] Isn't VMSC a disease?
Blind Date
[Crow] Hey this is that movie with Bruce Willis in it!
[Tom] What Hudson Hawk?
[Joel] I think this is and animated film guys.
[Crow] Oh, no. I hope its not dubbed.
[Crow and Tom] Let it be subbed. Let it be subbed.
Featuring the vocal talents of:
Bruce Willis as Akane
Mark Hammel as Nabiki
[Tom] May the force be with you Nabiki
Harrison Ford as Kasumi
[Joel] The frills on this one are so sweet kid
Burt Rynolds as The Pigtailed Girl
Marry Tyler More as Ranma
Carrie Fisher as Kuno
Margret Thacher as Ryoga
Dom Delouise as Kodachi
Henry David Therou as Ukyou
Chim Chim as Mr. Panda
Arnold Schwatzenager as Mrs. Soatome
Those two stoners in 8th grade gym
class as Bevis and Butthead
[Tom] Joel the quality of this anime stinks.
[Joel] Maybe its a pirate version . . .
[Crow] Tom, a little patience and
<Scene swims into focus to reveal a large sheep>
Mousse: Shampoo?
[Crow] you'll see . . . WOOOAAAAAA! Holey bad hair day!
[Tom] And featuring Old Flossy as Shampoo
<Mousse shakes his head, turns and walks down the street. The sheep falls
through a hole in the plot.>
[Joel] Come on guys its a new look for her, we should be supportive
[Tom] Nice hair cut Shampoo, I think the curly look is really you
[Crow] Uh yea, Ranma's sure to flip
[Joel] That's right guys
[Crow] I bet other guys flock to her
[Tom] And now our feature presentation, Shampoo and the Golden Fleece.
[Joel] Cut it out you guys
<Mousse reaches the Cat Cafe and enters. Cologne is hanging on her stick,
Shampoo is serving raman to a table of hair dressers who are planning for
their assault on Mt. Everest.>
[Tom] Mount Everest, forbidding, aloof, terrifying, the mountain with the
biggest tits in the world
<Mousse sees Shampoo and rushes her arms wide>
Mousse: Shampoo!!!
[Tom] Anyone else see a cheep prat fall coming up here
<Shampoo sidesteps and goes to another table. Mousse rushes up to Cologne>
Mousse: Shampoo, please marry me!
<Close up of Cologne>
Cologne: You got the wrong girl sonny boy.
[Joel, diving under his seat] AAAAAAARRRRGGG!
[Tom] Yeeuuuuggghhh. Its like a bunch of prunes got in a fist fight.
[Crow] I'm glad I'm a robot, or I think I'd be sick.
Mousse: uggh! Where is Shampoo?!
Cologne: Your cousin has come to town.
[Joel] Is it gone yet?
[Crow] Yea its safe to come out now Joel.
Mousse: Squirrel?
[Tom] If his cousin is Alvan the Chipmunk I'm leaving.
[Crow] ALVIIIIIN!
Cologne: That's right, he's back from his studies in Russia.
<in the background two Russian spies walk in trying to look casual.>
[Tom] Joel, tell me that isn't
[Joel] Now Tom, I'm sure there are lots of other Russian spies that look
exactly like Boris and Natasha.
<Shampoo approaches the spies as a thin wiry young man comes down the stairs.>
Shampoo: Want to welcome to Cat Cafe. What you want to order?
Male spy: We are not Russian spies.
Female spy: That is correct is it not Boris.
Boris: That is correct comrade Natasha
[Tom] Joel
[Joel] I'm sure there are plenty of Russian spies that look like Boris and
Natasha and happen to be named Boris and Natasha.
[Crow] Well, I don't know Joel
[Joel] Ix ney.
Squirrel: Mouse!
Mousse: Narf?
[Crow] Hey he misspelled Mousse
Squirrel: Sorry Moose its this spelling problem I have.
[Joel] Now there's a cheep cover up.
[Tom] Moose? What is this, the George Orwell version of Ranma 1/2?
Mousse, addressing wall: What are you doing here Squirrel?
Squirrel: Well Mouse, I'm here to drop of plans to the latest Russian
Orbital Beam Weapon.
[Joel] Gads Brain you astound me.
[Tom] Oh no he's got the plans to Golden Fleece.
[Crow] I bet this is another return of Largo stories.
[Joel] Anyone seen any Argonauts around here?
Mousse: I thought you were studying Russian?
Shampoo impatiently: Shampoo not have all day? What do Russian spies want?
Boris and Natasha: How did she know we are spies? Get her!
[Crow] Hey, I think someone might notice two Russian spies kidnapping Shampoo.
[Joel] I think this plot was borrowed from "Double Dragon" the video game.
[Tom] Really? It doesn't seem as consistent to me.
Cologne: Mousse, Squirrel Shampoo was just kidnapped by evil Russians.
[Tom] There should be warning signs around the holes in this plot.
Mousse: Oh no! Not Shampoo! We have to save her Squirrel! <Grabs chair and
rushes into kitchen>
Squirrel: Mouse!
<Mousse comes out of the kitchen looking confused>
Cologne: You two had better hurry, this fanfics really starting to drag.
[Tom] all the racers in this fanfic use Exxon premium unleaded.
[Crow] On your mark, get set, cut scene.
<cut to video collage of Mousse and Squirrel looking for Shampoo around town.
Include one scene with Ranma and Akane chasing the Warner Brothers(and the
Warner Sister Dot) through the background. Dub over it with the worst song
on Alternative Nation last week. The whole thing comes to a close with
Mousse and Squirrel rushing into the Acme Labs building.>
[Joel] Guys? Its safe to come out from under the seats now.
[Tom] Is Kennedy gone yet?
<Scene cuts to a darkened computer room. Shampoo is playing "Street Fighter
2" on a nintendo in the corner. Boris and Natasha are working the controls
to align the golden fleece with the Cat Cafe>
[Crow] It wouldn't be a good idea to ask how they got here would it?
[Joel] I think the author thought it would be more mysterious this way.
[Tom] I think mystery is a safe bet here.
[Crow] Yea. Why did he write this story any way?
<The previously unmentioned huge steel door crashes inward to reveal Mousse
and Squirrel>
Mousse: Shampoo!
[Tom] Is it just me or is this becoming way too predictable?
<Mousse rushes to Boris and hugs him>
Squirrel: Mouse! That's not Shampoo!
[Tom, Joel, Crow] NARF!
<Mousse puts on his glasses>
Mousse: How dare you impersonate my Shampoo!
<Mousse attacks Boris with plastic utensils and tuperware>
[Joel] Oh I see now its just a miss understanding their here for the tuperware
party.
Natasha: Stop it right now or I will press button.
Squirrel: You don't mean . . .
Natasha: Yes!
[Crow] No Natasha, you must never push the red button.
[Tom] The red shinney button.
[Joel] The red, shinney candy like button.
Squirrel: Mouse, stop. That's the fanfic eraser button!
[Tom] Hey, that sounds dangerous.
Mousse: Die!!!!
<Natasha pushes the button, and then there is only darkness.>
[Crow] That's the end? What a lame ending.
[Tom] What was the name of this again, bored date?
[Joel] Well, I guess that's it sirs.
<voice over: Dr. Claton Forester> Frank.
<voice over: TVs Frank> Yes Clay?
<voice over: Dr. Forester> Push the button.
Click.