On Fri, 18 Apr 1997 08:39:07 -0500 (CDT) Twister wrote:
: Hallo there readers of TP! ^_^
Hi there, writer of TP!
: Well, Instead of working on TP5-9, I wound up doing a beginning to TP10.
: *rolls eyes* Ah well, you work with your creative drives, not against them.
Geez, you *are* planning far ahead, aren't you? Well, as long as
you don't write it in real time (i.e. take 40000 years)...
: I'd love C+C on what I've done so far since this is NOT in an anime. ^_^
Innnteresting.
: This is starting from almost scratch, and I need to think on this world more.
: Also, Twister is of a slightly darker nature(I'm putting his age around 500)
Oh well, we all have good centuries and bad centuries. He'll get
over it. ;)
: Twisted Path 10 - NEW WORLD/AD&D type
:
: Chapter One
: -----------
: The newcomer was reluctantly facing what most strangers faced
: when arriving in The Opulent Hog: Vongrun the Brawler. The man was
: over seven feet tall, four feet across at the shoulders, and
: bulging muscle rippling all over his massive frame. It was said he
: wrestled bears and trees for fun,
Or possibly for the stimulating conversation.
: In fact, the sour-faced, grizzled mage of the town did look
: rather vexed even as he halted in front of a nervous Ponton. The
: dark blue robe he wore marked him little except for the staff he
: always carried. Upon reflection, Chon remembered why the mage was
: so irritated: the town mage HATED competition.
Hmmm, that last sentence sounds not quite right. I'd say
"realized", not "remembered", since he didn't know why the mage was
irritated beforehand and remembered it now - he remembered that he
hated competition and thus *realized* why he was angry.
: Lyrina gave him a longing look, then hurried off after Unthol,
: leaving a forlorn Chon behind. Hathron came up beside him and
: glanced at the departing young woman. "And you say she's still a
: virgin, huh?"
And one who gets sent to see a dragon, no less. :)
You could, of course, make this a little clearer by letting
Hathron wave a sign, saying "HINT! HINT! *FORESHADOWING*!" :)
:
: Chapter Two
:
: "We are going to meet a dragon and the one who I think is in
: the most risk of her life is Lyrina," Twister said flatly.
I'm not sure whether "in the most risk of her life" works,
grammatically speaking. Danger is something you're in - risk is
something you're exposed to.
: Blaze had carved himself a cavern in the cliff above the fort
: proper, but the wily and knowledgeable wyrm had sealed it shut
: magically to prevent other dragons access.
Oh, so Wyrm gets a cameo? ;)
: email to: twister@escape.ca, twister@tendo-dojo.ranma.net, fmw675@freenet.mb.ca
: (More addresses! More addresses! Eheh heh heh... :)
:D
OK, pretty good so far, I'm looking forward to seeing more of
this. What I liked particularly about this one is that for the
most part it was *not* really the story of Twister, but of the
other characters, with Twister kinda in the background.
Sebastian