At 05:20 PM 4/13/97 -0500, you wrote:

This is an original story.  Be forewarned that this is DARK.  So if you
don't like something of this sort, don't read it.  Constructive C & C are
welcome.  Have fun reading.

-Shuichi Minamino

Wow, Shuichi... ^^;; Were we a tad depressed? Hmm... What can I say? Very
dark indeed, with shades of Hiro in there, yes? Guess you liked the bit with
fixing his own bones too... (of course, I do like to believe that Hiro is
human, if only b/c of Duo/and or Relena...) - Are you posting this to GWML? 

Anyway, onto the C&C- BTW, Shuichi, I hope this isn't too confusing- this is
the first time I've really C&Ced- what can I say? Your story really caught
my interest- usually, the stuff in the () are my comments, and I'm rewriting
as I go for grammar and stuff- tho' my grammar is not all that hot..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DAMAGE

	A broken body lays on the ground.  A few feet ahead, another one.  Blood is
everywhere.  That is appropriate.  That is an appropriate way to kill. 

How about:
That is appropriate- an appropriate way to kill.
I dunno- it feels a bit too choppy...

 The

people at the lab tell him 

told him? (erg.. tenses..)

that they don't care how he does it, as long as

he succeeds in assassinating the whole family.  It is just as easy as that.
He doesn't need weapons, he can very well kill with his bare hands.

He can kill with just his bare hands?

Although the feeling of holding a weapon of any kind can feel good,
especially when he feels the blood splattering as the artery break.

Although the feeling of holding a weapon of any kind is better, especially
when..

	He is about to leave when he spots a mirror.  He looks at himself.  The
beautiful youth in the mirror stares back at him coldly with the same
emotionless eyes.  One golden eye and one sapphire eye, light brown hair
with golden streaks... his trademark.  They've told him that he can't be
human, for no human can look like that, with those pair of odd color eyes,
or have his strength and endurance. 

for no human can look as he does, with those odd colored eyes, or posess his
strength and endurance. 

 He no longer knows pain.  They have

made sure that he has experienced and known every pain possible.  They have
made sure that all he can do are to kill, to destroy, and to
terminate...like a machine, something he has come to despise.

*sigh* - BTW, I'm starting to get this as an alternate vers. Heero... *sniff* 
They have made sure that all he can do is kill, destroy, terminate... just
like a machine. He has come to despise (hate?) this...

	He looks at his watch, three o'clock.  He can't be late for the
celebration.  Today is the anniversary day and he plans to make it a
memorable one. 

He looks at his watch- three o'clock. (maybe he would smile coldly?) He
can't be late for his celebration. After all, today is the anniversary... he
plans on making it a memorable one.

 He picks up his 

weapon and exits the door.  He has used a crossbow for killing this time.
An interesting choice.  Crossbows hold a special meaning for him.  They are
ancient, but they are efficient. 

He picks up his weapon- a crossbow, this time, and exits. An interesting
choice, he supposes, but crossbows hold a special meaning for him. They are
ancient, but efficient- deadly. 

 Sometimes technology can be a burden.  He

remembers how when he was a child, he was trapped in that cubicle, operated
by technology.  

Sometimes techonology can be a burden. (Yeah, really, tho- like the Wing
Zero...) He remembers how he had been trapped in that cubicle as a child-
operated on by technology.

	He has been used as an experiment.  They took him away from his family when
he was four and they made him witnessed their killing of his family.  He
thought he saw his sister screaming as she was being sliced in two, his
mother crying as her throat was slashed, and his father lunging at the men
in anger but only to be torn apart, limb by limb.  

He had been an experiment. They had taken him away from his family when he
was four, and they made him witness the killing of his family 
(their killing of his family is a bit awkward, unless you want to put in
some names, which I don't think you do...) 
He thought he heard?
(is that what you mean? or how would he have thought he saw?)
his sister's screams as she was sliced in two, his mother's cries as 
(until? after all, you can't hear someone's cries when their throat is
slashed...)
her throat was slashed. He had seen his father lunge at the men who held him
anger, only to be torn apart, limb from limb. 

	They have wanted him for his destructive capability.  He is told that he
has potential, has endurance and capability beyond that of a normal human.
He can still remember the blood, the chains, and the pain.  The horrid smell
of blood, sweat, and death.  But now death is his friend.  He remember how
they had to contain him, just so that his power would not destroy every
living thing inside and outside the lab.

They
('had wanted him', or just 'want him', I think- have wanted him doesn't
sound right...)
He was told (unless they're telling him now?)- or They have told him?
that he has potential (for what?) , and that he has endurance and
capabilities beyond a normal human's.

death is his friend... *sniff* Kawaisou...

BTW, is he like 'exploding DBZ kind of power' boy? Or just an incredible
assassin? b/c he doesn't seem to use the 'power' later to blow things up-
why would he use a bomb? If they had to contain him, I mean...

	But he knows, they did more than just that.  He remembers how seven years
ago, the day he turned seven, how several of the men had come into his
little cell; had chained him heavily with machinary and metals, and then
forced themselves on him; violating and ripping him physically and mentally
apart.  It was meant to showed their dominance.  Because they were seeing
more and more of his power each day, and they were frightened.  Never again,
never again since will he let anyone go near him, because he hates human
beings.  He hates himself for being human.

*Grr...* Gee- young assassin types always seem to be raped (/sweatdrop...
even my nice stories went a bit dark b/c of that- maybe b/c these types are
always 'damaged...')

Anyway...-

But he knows that they had done more than that. He remembers how seven years
ago, on the day that he had turned seven, several men had come into his
little cell. He remembers how they had chained him heavily in machinery and
metals (er- what does this exactly mean? ) and then had forcedthemselves on
him. They had violated him, ripping him physically and mentally apart.

A bit more on -

Never again- never again since has he let any go near him. He hates human
beings. He hates himself for being human (but i thought he wasn't human...)

	He listens to them and carries out their commands to assasinate others, of
his free will.  He owes them nothing and he knows it.  But he feels a
certain catharsis when he kills.  As if all the unjust done to him are being
repaid.  He can control life and death of others.  He is always in control.
He can tear life apart, or put it back together.  That is part of his
ability.  Life, life doesn't mean anything to him.

(is this them the same 'them' that raped him, or just the heads in charge? I
would assume the leaders of the project didn't come down to his prison to
have a little fun with him?) 

He listens to them and carries out... others of his own free will. He knows
that he owes them nothing, but he feels a certain catharsis when he kills-
as if all the unjust things that have been done to him, are still being done
to him, are being repaid... He can control the life and death of others; he
is always in control. He can tear life apart, or put it back together- that
is part of his ability (part of his power, maybe?) Life and death (instead
of saying life twice?) doesn't mean anything to him.

	He is ready.  He screws the last nail into place and stands up.  Now, it's
time for the celebration for the anniversary.  This will be the last thing
he is to do at this place.  Then he will vanish for good.  It has been ten
years since he had met those scientists.  Today is the tenth year
anniversary, how appropriate.  Everything is so appropriate these days.  He
knows that he is going to enjoy this very much.  

He screws in the last nail and stands up. He is ready- this is the last
thing he will do at this at this place. Now, it is time for the celebration
of his anniversary. After this, he can vanish forever. Today is the tenth
year that they have had him- how appropriate. Everything is so appropriate.
He smiles (does he smile? I have a feeling he would have a very scary, dead
smile) and knows that he is going to enjoy this very much.
(Here, I sort of messed around with the sentence order- i don't know if this
changed your intent or not...)

	He carries a small box and a big bouquet of white roses into the lab
building.  The guards won't let him carry anything inside, so he shoots one
of them, and rips the other's throat out.  The blood tastes good, better
than his own, for he remembers tasting his own blood in his mouth when they
were beating him in the past.  He looks down at his clothes and is a bit
annoyed to find blood stain on them.  Damn, he just brought these today.  He
is supposed to look good and neat at a celebration.  Damn those guards!

(white roses? Raises eyebrow- now I'm really reminded of Heero- that white
roses and white suit ^^;; *smile*) 
The guards won't let him carry anything inside, so he shoots one of them and
rips the other's throat out. The blood tastes good, better than his own. He
can remember the taste of his own blood when these two had beaten him in the
past. He looks down at his clothes. Damn those guards! He sees the blood on
his new suit, and can't help but be annoyed. He had bought these today so he
cood look neat for the celebration...

	The men see what he carries and gap in surprise.  He has made sure that
everyone in the lab gather there.  He then turns his head and meets eyes
with the supervisor, the head of the lab. 

They see what he carries (they, as in the mysterious they that you were
using before...) and gasp in surprise. He has made sure that all of them
were gathered here- all the ones from the lab who had made him what he is...
He turns his head and meets the eyes of the supervisor, the head of the lab.
(supervisor? Is that all he calls him inside his head? no other title
besides that rather bland assignation? *giggle* sorry, but I'm really gettin
into his head, and I don't think he'd just feel that he's merely just the
supervisor? whatever...)

	"What is the meaning of this?!" The man demands. "Have you gone mad?"

	 He doesn't move or respond, he only smiles.  They are taken back, when was
the last time they've seen him smiled?  That is an icy smile, a smile of
pure hatred, dread, and death so cold that it was enough to freeze one's blood.

He doesn't move or respond, and only smiles. They are taken aback, all of
them. When was the last time they had seen him smile? It is an icy smile, a
smile full of pure hatred, (dread? why dread?) and death so cold that it was
enough to freeze one's blood.

	He opens the lid of the box.  The men see what is inside and run for the
door, the window, or any openings in the room.  But nothing will budge.  He
has pre-programmed everything.  For those that aren't controlled by
machines, he has put up bolts and heavy locks.  He has to make sure that
everyone would be here, for he wants everyone to enjoy the celebration of
the tenth year anniversary.  He hates to have anyone missing out for the
occasion.

The men see what is inside and run for the door, the window, for any
openings at all in the room- but nothing will budge. He has planned it all-
programming everything to close shut, and putting up bolts and heavy locks
on everything not controlled by machines. He has made sure that everyone is
here today, for he wants everyone to enjoy the celebration of his tenth year
anniversary. He would hate for anyone to miss out on the occasion.

	He smiles again, this time a genuine smile.  His face so beautiful that it
resembles one of an angels, the angel of Death.  He mouths the words "Happy
Aniversary" and throws the box and the white roses into the air.

He smiles again- this time, a genuine smile. His face is beautiful... he
seems like an angel, the angel of Death. He mouthes the word "Happy
Anniversary" and throws the box and the white roses into the air. 

	The men cry out in silent horror as the world before them explodes and
turnes into a mass of red and black.  White flower petals dance and swirl in
the air, blood splatters on the floor, ceiling, walls and on to the rose
petals.  The bright red blood and snow white roses make beautiful patterns;
the red glittering on the white like silver stars glittering in the black
sky; and raining red rain onto the ground.  

The men cry out in silent horror as the world before them explodes, turning
into a mass of red and black. White flower petals dance and swirl into the
air as blood splatters everywhere- it is a red rain that colors the walls,
floor, ceiling and bodies. The bright red blood and snow white roses make
beautiful patterns; the red glitters on the white like stars on a night sky.

	The force of the explosion destroyed everything within the ten mile radius.
He is thrown back by the force.  He lands hard and feels his bones breaking,
shattering, feeling himself being torn apart again.  He opens his eyes after
the sound of the explosion has subsided and stands up.  All he has suffered
is a broken arm, no need to worry.  He can take care of it.  He twists at
his left arm to bend it back into shape, the pain shot through him as he
does so, and it feels good.

The force of the explosion destroys everything within a ten mile radius. He
is thrown back by the force, landing hard and feeling his bones break,
shatter. He feels himself being torn apart again... He opens his eyes after
the explosion has subsided, and stands up. All he has suffered is a broken
arm- no need to worry. He can take care of it easily. He twists his left arm
to bend it back into shape, and revels in the beauty of the pain.

	The debris of the lab and of the mechanical city scatter around him.  Parts
of the scientists bodies strewn about everywhere.  It is all too
appropriate.  Everything, the burial, and the final act.  He likes this
anniversary celebration that he has 
planned, maybe he will do it again.  

The debris of the lab, and the mechanical city flutters? around him. Body
parts are strewn about everywhere. He can't help but feel everything is
appropriate- the burial, the final act. He smiles the cold smile again. He
has enjoyed this celebration. Maybe he will do it again...

	He walks out of the city and toward the dying sun.  He is not human.  No
human could have done such a deed.  He knows that, for he had ceased to be
human long time ago.  They have turned him into death.  The damage has long
been done.

He walks out of the city and toward the dying sun. He is not human; he knows
that. No human could have done such a deed. But he has ceased to be human
long ago. They had turned him into death, and had met his touch in turn. The
damage has long been done.

--------------------DAMAGE (END)-----------------

I hope I wasn't too obnoxious, but this is how I offer C&C- you don't have
to take much of this at all... Shuichi, I really, really liked this story. ^_^

Monica/Akira-chan!
-----
monica@pipeline.com -www.pipeline.com/~monica/ -fics, pics, tapes!
Fav. Series'- CLAMP stuffs, LOGH, MB, GW, RKen, YYH, EVA, Z/B, Patarilo!
Fav. Charas- Akira, Duo, Heero, Hiei, Izumi, Kenshin, Kircheis, Subaru