Due to the recent wave of temporary downtimes, spamwaves, and new members,
our Fearless Leader suggested I repost this. Yeah, it's a parody...but
it's also good advice.
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Big Important Note - This is a work of Parody, not a real FAQ. The actual
FFML FAQ is skillfully written and updated by Sapphire and Panda, who
deserve our utmost gratitude. Likewise, thanks to WW for giving us the
list to poke fun at. ;)
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Welcome to the Not Quite Official FFML FAQ.
=======================================
*WHAT IS THE FFML?
A lawsuit waiting to happen.
*HUH?
Just a joke, son. The FFML is a collection of the finest Anime
Fanfic Writers money can't buy. They're committed to bringing you
the reader entertaining and skillful writing. In fact, many of
them _have_ been committed for this, but we hear they're
feeling much better, and will be allowed to use sharp objects
again any day now.
*SO....YOU HAVE TO WRITE STORIES TO JOIN?
Heavens, no. The writers need an audience to fuel their egos.
You can either read and C&C the stories...
*HOLD UP. WHAT'S C&C?
Comments and Criticism. Writers like the former, and require
it to survive. If they don't get enough of it, they either curl into
a ball and die, or buy a Uzi and take out a K-mart. They don't like
the latter, and will respond with posts the size of doctorial
theises as to why they are right and you are wrong.
*I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. ANY OTHER OPTIONS?
Yes. You can become a lurker.
*LURKER? SOUNDS EVIL.
Yes, it is. Basically, you just read the stories and post nothing.
Not a iota of C&C, not a single story.
*DO I GET TO WEAR A BLACK RAINCOAT AND SKULK IN DARK
ALLEYS?
No.
*SO WHO RUNS THIS THING, ANYWAY?
Theories vary.
*COME AGAIN?
A Australian named Kun-chan claims to be the true owner of
the list, and Kun-chan is always right, even when she isn't. And
if you disagree, well, there's always the @bapstick. On the other
hand, the list is housed and maintained by a fellow named White
Wolf.
*COOL! I LOVED VAMPIRE: THE MASKE....
(punch to the kidneys) No, no relation. Anyway, he's the guy to
speak to if you have trouble.
*AND HE'LL HELP ME?
No. But he could use the comic relief.
*OKAY...WHAT HAPPENS IF I THINK I'VE BEEN UNSUBSCRIBED? I
SEND A TEST MESSAGE, RIGHT?
No. This is incredibly annoying, takes up bandwidth, and isn't
very effective. Send a piece of C&C instead.
*YEAH, BUT IN THIS CASE I THINK I'D BETTER SEND A TEST
MESSAGE.
No. There are no special cases. Send a bit of C&C instead.
*OKAY, SO I'LL JUST SEND THE TEST MESSAGE NOW....
For the last $&^$##@*&^&$# time, don't send $*&$#@^) test
messages.
*ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
Next question.
*HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE TO THE LIST?
Sacrifice your firstborn on the night of the full moon.
*BUT I'M NOT MARRIED.
In that case send a message to fanfic-request@ranma.net,
subject Subscribe.
*AND HOW DO I GET OFF THE DAMN THING?
You don't. Your soul is ours, now.
*678 MESSAGES IN ONE DAY! HOW DO I GET OFF?
The real method of unsubsribing is as follows:
1. Call 115-555-2323, and ask for Guido. When he answers, tell him that
the lemmings have danced the Rhumba. He will name a date.
2. Fly to New York. On the given date, stand at the base of the world
trade center wearing a blue fedora, bowling shoes, and a replica of
Elvis's jumpsuit. A man with a gun or knife will approach you, and ask for
your wallet and watch. Give them to him. He will mouth several colorful
obscenites as the recognition code, and leave.
3. Fly to San Fransisco. Go directly to Fung's Gifts and Sovieners, and
tell the proprietor in a loud voice that you are here for the opium. He
will loudly protest; this is the countersign. Say, "Fengzi, shenjing
bing!", again in a loud voice, and then belch loudly three times while
turning cartwheels. Afterwards, begin to pick up breakable objects and
drop them while insulting the shop owner.
4. A FFML agent, cleverly disguised as a cop, will arrive, cuff you, and
take you to a processing center. You will be fingerprinted and
photographed for our files, and detained for a few days. The process will
go quicker if you give the priority-A signal, which involves repeating the
word "Pig" (A reference to Ranma 1/2's P-chan) loudly and frequently.
5. When released, fly to Paris, and eat dinner at the most expencive
restaurant in the city. When the waiter approaches, order spam and beans,
with ketchup. After your meal, make three rapid pelvic thrusts a la
Michael Jackson, yodel, set yourself on fire, and dive out the nearest
window.
6. Last, fly to Kyoto. Purchase a pair of army boots, walk in the third
cow field going west out of the city for 5 hours, and head to the largest
temple in the city. Still wearing the boots, walk as noisily as possible
through the temple, shouting, "JESUS SAVES!" at the top of your lungs.
This is the final release signal. White Wolf, who will be watching from
the bell tower, will remove your name from the list.
*WHAT IS SPAM?
A popular lunch meat that turns your arteries to slag.
*I MEAN IN THE COMPUTING SENSE, SMARTASS.
Oh. It's messages that are off-topic. On the FFML, it is
composed of scintillating conversations, witty repartee,
profound insights, and community spirit.
*WOW. REALLY?
No, not really. Actually it's mostly just a bunch of "Me too's" ,
"What color is Ranma-chan's hair and underwear", and ego-
boosting wastes of bandwidth.
*SO I SHOULD SPAM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, YES?
No. It tends to drive people off and get them annoyed.
*SO ONLY 25 A DAY?
What we have here is a _lack_ of failure to communicate.
*WHAT'S A LEMON?
A yellow citrus fru..
*YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
A story with sexual content in it. You'd be amazed at the
demand for them.
*NO I WOULDN'T. WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?
Ask, I guess. In fact, just propose a sex scene between two
people. Someone'll probably write it.
*GOSH.
We aim to please.
*IS THERE A ARCHIVE FOR STORIES SENT TO THE FFML? THE -
{^_("REMAILER")_^}-
Indeed. The -{^_("REMAILER")_^}- is a novel system that stores
fics written last year. It is simple and easy to use.
*HOW DO I PUT MY FIC INTO THE -{^_("REMAILER")_^}-
Just send it to add-ftp@ranma.net
*AND IT'LL BE ADDED?
Probably not in your lifetime, no. We're hoping it'll be updated
around the turn of the century, but then we're a bunch of crazy
optimists here.
*IS THERE AN ARCHIVE FOR THE FFML?
Yes.
*HOW DO I USE IT?
Noone knows. And Peter isn't telling.
*WHAT'S THE FASTEST ANIMAL ON THE EARTH?
The cheetah.
*IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO SEND STORIES IN GOBLAT5432.8/zd FONT IN A
ATARI.BINHEX ATTACHMENT?
It's fine with me. Less C&Cing for me to do.
*IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE AROUND HERE I CAN TALK TO?
Certainly. Here's Chris Willmore's email address. Oh, and ask if you can
have a role in his next fic.
*WOW. REALLY?
Yup. In fact, I bet he'll make you the main course...um, starring
role, I mean. A real cut-up, Chris is. Have fun, and welcome to the FFML
- Mike of No Particular Title or Handle
===/\=====+==================================================================
/ \ l Mike Loader - Lincolnite, Amberite, Illuminatus, Discordian,
/ () \ l Journalist, Author, Traveler, Historian, Java Fiend.
/ \ l Trier - LA - LV - Kiev - Reno - Hong Kong. Fnord.
-------- l mike@thekeep.org
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