Subject: (Would Be) Assasins.......
From: "Odie3100" <odie3100@bridge.net>
Date: 10/24/1996, 4:13 AM
To:


Author:  Well, I got this crazy idea for a moviefic with Ranma and-	

2 Angry White Guys: Shuddap and type you flunkie!!

Author: Geez, at least lemme tell 'em what it's about.....

2 A.W.Guys: Hurry up then, we can't exist in your imagination forever, ya
know!!!

Author: Okay okay! Anyways.... I was watching the Oscar-winning movie
Assasins             
	and...

2 A.W.Guys: don't get cute, you bahstahd, just get on with it!!!

Author:  As I was saying, I was watching that _GREAT_ movie when I got the
idea to 	write a FF with-

2 A.W. Guys: That's it, tie 'em up..... He's gonna give away the whole
freakin' plot 	         	          before he's even written it. What a
lamer.

(The author is tied down to his desk, only his hands free to type. The 2
A.W. Guys pull out matching *BAP* sticks and menace him.)

2 A.W. Guys: Now get to work!!!!

Author: Sheesh, this *BAP* always happens *BAP* to me.......


And without *BAP* further adieu, our feature presentation.....



			    Would-Be Assasins
			    -----------------------------


				Starring
				------------ 
		       Ranma Saotome as  Robert Rath
		       Antonio Banderas as Miguel Bain


				With
				-------
		       Akane Tendo as  Akane Tendo

                  	   	      Cameos By
   			      -----------------
		Ryouga Hibiki, Soun Tendo, and a large panda



*****
2 A.W. Guys: Can you believe this goombah? What, he thinks this is a REAL
movie? What a dork!	

Author: Do you guys always talk at the same time? *BAP BAP*

2 A.W. Guys: Shuddap and type!!!
*****


[The scene opens with Robert overlooking the Tendo Training Hall. He is
looking for his next mark, Akane Tendo, who is to be terminated because she
has really bad hair.... oh, and she happened to expose a major case of
lunch card fraud in Furinkan High.]


--2 A.W. Guys: Hey, isn't Akane supposed to be playing someone named
Electra?

--Author: So what if it's a plot hole big enough to drive a truck through?
I don't have the time for *BAP* being so picky!!!

--2 A.W. Guys: <grumble grumble>

(back to our film)

Robert: I am looking for my next mark.

--2 A.W. Guys: You already said that!!!

[He sees the Tendo Hall and approaches it. He walks through the front door.
He sees a panda and a man playing shogi.]

Robert: Excuse me, but my name is, um,  Ed McMahon. I'm looking for Akane
Tendo.

-2 A.W. Guys: ED MCMAHON?? PUH-LEESE!!  *BAP BAP*

Soun: McMahon you say? She's inside practicing her martial arts with her
fiancee Ryouga.

--2 A.W. Guys: How stupid is this getting?

--Author: It's only just begun... *BAP BAP*

Robert: Thanks alot. I'll go find her.

[He walks inside the dojo. He sees a young woman and a young man sparring.]

Robert: Excuse me, but would you happen to be Akane Tendo?

Akane: Yes, I am. Who are you?

Robert: My name is Ed McMahon. and you've just won our grand prize
sweepstakes!

Akane: REALLY? OH MY GOD!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! And I thought subscribing
to that Cooking Healthy With Pork was a waste.......

[Ryouga faints away.]

Robert: Yes, er, well, congratulations. You need to come with me to claim
your prize.

Akane: Ok lets go.

Robert: Er, what about him?

Akane: Oh, don't worry about him. This is an easy way to dump him from the
story, so we can get down the real plot.

--2 A.W. Guys: Huh? You dork.... *BAP*

Robert: Oh yeah, good idea. Well, lets go.

[They leave together and walk through the streets of Nerima.]

Akane: Don't you people have a car? 

Robert: Um, it's not far from here. You can claim your prize right now, as
a matter of fact.

Akane: Really, great!! I need to get home so I can start cooking dinner.

--Author: You know you guys, I think the Tendos might want her- *BAP*

[They turn down into a dark alleyway. Robert pulls out his silenced .22 and
points it at the back of Akane's head as they are walking. Unbeknownst to
him, a tall, Hispanic man with a bad accent has been following him. He
interrupts Robert.}

Miguel: Excuuse me, amigo.

[He puts his silenced Luger to the back of Robert's head.]

Miguel: I'm berry sorry to meat jew like thees, but this wan ees mine.

--2 A.W. Guys: ??? Is that the best you can do?

--Author: Whaddya mean? Have you ever heard Antonio Banderas in real life?

--2 A.W. Guys: Er, good point. But still....*BAP BAP*

Robert: Who the hell are you?

Miguel: Oh, alouw me to eentroduce myself. My gname is Miguel Bain. I am
heere to kill the young lady....and you too.

Robert: Me too? That's not the contract!

Akane: Hey don't I get a say in this?

Miguel and Robert: NO!!!

Miguel: Well, I hab to keel her for the money, but I need to kill you four
somteeng else.

Robert: What's that?

Miguel: I hab to keel you, mi amigo. Tuday is dee day I beecome gnamber
wan!!!

--2 A.W. Guys: Is that his tag line? What a let down. *BAP*

Robert: Listen, my friend. This was going to be my last job. I am growning
morally corrupt and decadent because of this career of mine. How about we
kill her and split the money?

--Author: sorry for the flowery prose, but I had to throw some of my own
style into *BAP* this.

--2 A.W. Guys: Type! We were just getting into it!!!

Miguel: I'm berry sorry, but I hab a job to do too. I'm sorry I picked such
a pooor role model. But now I hab to g-

[Robert kicks his left leg behind him and knocks Miguel over. He dives for
cover, pulling Akane down on top of him. Miguel begins shooting wildly in
the cramped alley. Robert, grabbing Akane, takes cover behind an industrial
size garbage bin.]

Akane: Robert NO BAKA!!! Look what you've gotten me into!!

[She hits him with the mallet which materializes from thin air.]

Robert [a bit stunned]: Owww! why you do that for?

Akane [shrugs]: I don't know. It seemed natural. Hey, where'd this mallet
come from?

Robert: I don't know, but keep hold of it. It might come in handy
someday.....except that I have to kill you soon.

Akane: Can't you just tell them I disappeared or something? I promise not
to tell anyone, I promise.

Robert: I'll need to think about it. I'll let you know.

[All the while Miguel is listening intently. He starts laughing out loud.]

Robert: What's so funny Miguel?

Miguel: This whole story. It's as if it's being directed by a couple of
back-water redneck dweebs.

--2 A.W. Guys: Watch it, losersaurus...You're about 2 steps away from a
refreshing swim with lead boots.

--Author: Heheh....

Miguel: The truth is, jew gwere my eyedol for a long time. You were
_gnamber wan_, an I wanted to bee juust like jew. But now, I is beginnin to
think _I not pick such a berry good eye-dol!!!_

Robert: We can work this out. The contract is for two hundred thousand.
I'll give you one-fifty, minus insurance deductible and contigency plans
for a 401 K plan.

Miguel: Sounds good to meee, but lets make it one seventy-five, and you pay
four the inchurance. Plus I get stock in-

--2 A.W. Guys: Hey you dumb bahstahd, this ain't Forbe's Weekly!! What're
ya trying to do? Kill the story?

--Author: That's impossible. This story is already dead and buried....*BAP*

Miguel: Sorry, my friend, but I won to bee gnamber wan. No chanse four jew
tuday.

Robert: Have it your way. [whispering] Akane, get ready.

Akane: Ok...uh, what are you gonna do?

Robert: Just get ready to run.

[Robert stands up for a split second, and squeezes off a whole clip in
Miguel's geneal direction, forcing him to duck for cover.]

Robert: Akane, now!! Run!!

Akane: But what about you? He's gonna kill you!!

Robert: Save yourself!!!

--2 A.W. Guys: God, this just keeps getting worse and worse. What's next,
fall in love? You cliqued spic!! Clean up this mess!!! *BAP*

--Author: Ha ha. Without me you two don't exist, so sit down and behave!!!
*BAP BAP* Heheh, c'mon fellas, I was just kidding..... *BAP* Owww......

Robert: Head for the old abandoned warehouse!! I'll meet you there!!

Akane: What abandoned warehouse?

Robert: The one I just wrote into the script.......

Akane: Oh, that one......

[2 A.W. Guys, Akane, and Miguel all facefault.]

Akane: Ok, I'll see you there......

[She takes off running. Miguel sees her.]

Miguel: Ah, ah, ah. Gwere are jew going, mi precioca? I can't let jew get
ahway so eesy.

[As he stands to aim and shoot her, Robert fires at random, forcing Miguel
to duck again.]

Miguel: Oh, now we are are playin heeero? Ay, que lindo!! Ben papi, y deme
un besito!!

Robert: Go kiss your own ass, you dumb fuck.

Miguel: Oh,  jew are bilingual, jes?

Robert: No, the Author is.

[The author waves.]

--Author: Hi.

--2 A.W. Guys: No publicity, you little maggot!! Work!! *BAP*

Miguel: Let's play a game.

[Miguel runs out of the alley before Robert can shoot him. He follows him.
Miguel runs into a crowded Nerima street, filled with pedestrians. Robert
can't get an open shot.]

Robert: Hold still!!! How am I supposed to kill you?

Miguel: You're not. We hab to play a game now.

Robert [calling out to Miguel] : What kind of game is this?

Miguel: The kind where jew hab to keep me from killing eenocent people!!!

Robert: How am I supposed to do that? You're way ahead of me!!

Miguel: Don't worry, I play fair.We play the Atian game.

Robert: the Haitian game?

[The political incorrectness hangs heavy in the air.......]

Miguel: No, you gringo. The _Atian_ game. We play like this. Ready?

Robert: Wait you didn't tell me how to play!! 

Miguel: Don't gwurry, you learn fast. -Masterbation!-

Robert: Huh? What do I do-

[A single solitary shot rings out. Robert looks up and sees Miguel shoot a
now very dead Barney mascot.]

Robert: Well, I'll make an exception on that one.

(a tip of the cap to #Ranma!..... big mistake mentioning Barney last
night.... heheheh...) 

Miguel: -Asphyxiation!-

Robert: Er, -bastardization!-

--2 A.W. Guys: Is that a real word?

--Author: Who cares? It's a helluva lot more interesting than
capitalization.

--2 A.W. Guys: Good point. *BAP*

Miguel: Good!!! Now jew got the hand of this!! -Menstruation!-

Robert: Um, -urination!-

[This sick little game goes on for several blocks. Robert loses twice. The
results are one dead mime and one dead Macauley Culkin. Again, no
objections.]

--2 A.W. Guys: Cryin' shame about the mime.... who's this Culkin guy?

--Author: See?

[The two continue running unril they magically run right to the warehouse.]

--Author: Can you sense the climax coming?
(Heehee...climax....coming......huh huh, huh huh, that was cool.......)

--2 A.W. Guys: Not funny, spic boy. Hurry up and finish, before the people
lose interest.

--Author: Too late for that...... *BAP*

[Miguel runs inside first. Akane is ready and waiting for him. She uses the
"Hand Of God" mallet and knocks him into the rafters.]

--2 A.W. Guys: "Hand Of God" ?

--Author: Don't ask me, she stenciled it on the handle and drew the face of
a stupid looking pig on the head itself.

--2 A.W. Guys: Don't talk about our ma like that!! Double *BAP*

Robert: Great job, Akane. I guess I can thank you by not killing you. 

Akane: BAKA!!

[She lays a  mighty blow on Ranm....er, Robert's chin and he soon joins
Miguel in hanging from the rafters.]

Akane: Alright, you slobs. I'm in charge now.

--2 A.W. Guys: Oh damn. What have we gotten ourselves into? Whose idea is
this anyways?

[They swerve their double heads and look at the Author.]

--Author: Don't look at me. This stopped making sense right after the
title.

Akane: All of you shut up!!! I'm in charge now!!

--2 A.W. Guys: Christ, when the characters start talking back to you, it's
time to bail. See ya around Author. We're outta here. Maybe we can find
some illegals to deport, or some marijuana smoker to sentence to 25 years
in prison......yeah, that sounds like fun......

[The 2 Angry White Guys leave. Nobody minds but the author.]

--Author: Hey you guys!! You can't just leave me here alone with this
psycho!!! At least untie me!!!

Akane: Psycho? You called moi a psycho? Now you're gonna get it...... Hey,
what's with the "--" before your name and the other guys? You think you're
better than the rest of us? Ooooh, you're such a chauvanist pig!!!
Banzai!!!

Author [minus the --]: Aiiieeeee!!!!!!

[A little while later, Robert, Miguel, and the Author are sitting in three
magically appearing chairs. They are all tied up.]

Trio: What are you doing?

Akane: Something fishy's going on, and I want to know what!!!! Hey you,
[points at author] who's _really_ trying to kill me? I wanna know!!

Author: Sorry, I'm not sayin. It would ruin what little of this pathetic
story we have left.

Akane: Good point. [points at Robert] What about you?

Robert: Hey, I'm just along for the ride. Hell, I never even read the
script. (Not that there was a script to begin with.... SInce when did
Stallone movies have probable plots? Re The Specialist, Rambo, Judge Dredd,
etc..... you see my point)

Akane: Hey! No thought bubbles without my permission!! *THUD* Well, Mr.
Fabio, what's your tale?

Miguel: Fabio? Neber heard of heem. But if you want to know who is trying
to kill you, look behind you.

Akane: You know, I would usually hit you for make such a silly joke, but
seeing as this whole story is silly, you're probably telling the truth.

Miguel: Correct.

[Akane feels the cold, harsh barrel of a gun being pressed against her
neck.]

Voice: Drop the mallet, slowly.

[Akane complies.]

Voice: Stick your right hand in your pocket.

[She does.]

Voice: Now take your right hand out.

[She does]

Voice: Now stick your left hand in.

[She does.]

Voice: And you shake it all about.....You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn
youself about.....that's what it's all about, HOKEY POKEY!!!!

Akane: Oh, yeah, REAL classy. As if this wasn't enough of a disasterous
story, now it's a disasterous musical as well.......

Voice: Turn around.

[She does, and Akane is shocked to see who it is that is holding a gun to
her neck.]

Akane: N-nani? Is that you Nabiki?

Nabiki: Well, would else would it be? Who else could manipulate so many
people to do their will? Who could make these people mindless sheep, ready
to do my bidding at my beck and call? WHO??

Akane: Television.

Nabiki: Never let the facts get in the way of a good argument, Akane. I
want Ranma for MY fiancee, and I will-

Akane: He's not my fiancee. Ryouga is.

Nabiki: Well, in that case, never mind. How 'bout we kill all these hentai
and go home for some of Kasumi's great food?

Akane: That sounds great. But won't that give the readers of a quick and
cheap ending?

Nabiki: Bah, they didn't even notice when I posted my first fanfic.... What
makes you think they give a crap?

Akane: Good point.

Trio: Don't we get a say in this?

Akane and Nabiki: NO!!!!!

[Nabiki gives the gun to Akane.]

Nabiki: Here, you do it. I know how much you hate guys.

Akane: Thanks, Nabiki!! I knew I could count on my sis!!!

Nabiki: Aww........

[Akane raises the gun and points it at Miguel. She suddenly remembers
something.]

Akane: Hey, wait a minute!! I thought the plot was that someone was trying
to kill me 'cause I exposed a lunch card fraud ring in Furinkan
High........

Nabiki: Yeah, well, things got a little out of hand..... Ask the author, he
knows....

Akane [points gun at the author]: Well? 

Author: You're right, that was the original plot.... but then we sorta got
off track and forgot about all that....look it's getting late....it's damn
near four in the morning, and I'm sitting her all tied up trying to finish
this story somehow....can you just get on with it?

Akane: Since you put it that way......

[The gun aims at Miguel.]

Miguel: Ay yay yay!! Doun't keel me, pleese. I deedn't get ah chanse to say
my tag line agen!!!!! 'Today is de day I beecume gnamber-'

*THWPP*

Akane: Wow, Nabiki, this thing barely makes a sound.

Nabiki: What's that? The gun?

Akane: No, the audience. It seems they've all lapsed into a coma.

Nabiki: Yeah, well. this guy's fanfiction is bad enough to put _anyone_ to
sleep.

Akane: Ok, who's next?

Robert and Author: Him!!!

Akane: I'll just close my eyes and take a wild stab, er, shot at him. (In
the background, a drum roll can be heard.)

Author: There must be _SOMEWAY_ out of this..... I got to think, think!!!!

[Akane's hand is floating from one man's head to the other.]

Robert: More to the right!!! Now a little down!! That's it....no, wait,
that's me!!!

Akane: Sorry, you win, or lose, which ever you like. Bye now!!

Robert: But I'm not Robert!! I'm really Ranma!!! You know, your real
fiancee??

Nabiki: Hurry up, I'm getting hungry.

Akane: Real fiancee? Sorry, I'm engaged to Ryouga. Bye now!!

Robert: But we haven't even slept together yet!! How can I die like this??

Nabiki: Easy. Watch.

[Nabiki walks over and grabs the gun.]

Robert: NOOO!!!!!

Author: That's it!!!!!! I got it!!

Akane: Got what?

Author: A way out of this horrible mess........

[The Author closes his eyes tightly and imagines the four of them back at
the dojo.]

Akane: Hey, we're home!!! How'd you do that?

Author [grinning]: It's called "creative control." You get it when you're
really rich and famous, or a poor slob who can't afford to hire a real
script writer. You, know, huys like the legendary Joe Esterhaus......

Robert: The guy who wrote Showgirls?

Author: Exactly.

Robert: Cool. I liked that movie....for the acting of course......I never
knew Elizabeth Berkely could look so stupid in so many different
ways.......

Nabiki: Join the club.

Author: Wait, something's not quite right.....

Akane: Huh?

[The author closes his eyes and the four are suddenly in a candle-lit room.
Akane and Nabiki are wearing slinky nitegowns, barely to their hips.]

Author: Nice digs, ne?

Robert: Awright, nice touch.

Akane: Wow, this is nice.......

Nabiki: Why do I suddenly feel attracted to you Mr. Author?

Author: 'Cause I said. It's my twisted little story.

Nabiki: Good point.

[She slides over to him and sits by him, smiling the whole time.]

Robert and Akane: What about us?

Author: Hold on.

[The author concentrates for a few seconds, and when he opens his eyes,
Robert is tied up again. Akane is pointing a gun at him again.]

Robert: WAAAAHH!!!! This wasn't what I had in mind. 

Author: Sure it was. Trust me. [He grins evilly.]

Akane: What now?

Author: Go ahead. Shoot him. Just make sure he doesn't splatter on the
walls.

Akane: Okay.

Robert: AAAAHHH!!!!!

*THWPP*

Nabiki: Nice shot. No splatter or anything.

Akane: Thanks. Now what?

Author: Okay, just one last thing.

[The author shuts his eyes and concentrates harder than he ever has in his
life. When he opens his eyes, he is rewarded with a beautiful sight. Akane
and Nabiki are lying in bed with him, practically naked, and slowly moving
towards him with a look of lust in their eyes. The lights automatically
dim, and there is a hint of Barry White in the air. Yes, life is good.
Smiling with unrestrained glee and giddiness, he looks up at you, the
readers and says,]

Don't you just love happy endings?