This is a bit long, but hope you enjoy it...
The night was calm and peaceful. No cats chased martial artists
across rooftops; no screaming fights echoed through the darkness. In
short, this was no Nerima. There was a little black pig with a yellow
and black bandanna wandering through an alley, but any town in the world
could boast of that at some time or another. No, life was as peaceful and
boring as it could be in the fine metropolis of Champaign-Urbana.
Bridget parked her car in the driveway and trudged up to the
house, wearily unfastening her bow-tie. <That's the last time I try to
carry three bowls of Gob-Dol and a pot of hot tea at once...> she
grumbled, juggling her purse as she fumbled for the door. <At least now
I get to get some sleep.> She paused with her hand on the doorknob.
Sleep. Waterbed. Two weeks of unfolded laundry on the waterbed. Rats.(1)
The door swung open to reveal two young people, a boy and a girl,
sitting on the couch. <Must be friends of Karin's or Karl's...> she
thought with resignation, forcing a cheerful smile. "Hi! Where's
Karin? Or are you here to visit Karl?" The girl stood up, while the
boy slouched a bit further down into the couch.
"Karin's in her room... and actually, we're friends of yours.."
the girl began, smiling tentatively. "Don't you recognize us?"
<Crud!> thought Bridget. <They must be from high school.> She
smiled more brightly, tossing her apron onto the table by the door.
"Um... yeah, of course I remember you! What was it, class of '92?" The
girl giggled.
"No, silly. I'm Akane, and this is Ranma. You write about us."
Bridget gaped in horror, until she remembered the SKJAM!
Revengefic Challenge (tm). She should have been expecting this visit.
"Ohmygod. What are you going to do to me?" She had hoped to
graduate before they got around to her. After all, she'd only posted two
fanfics, and the second wasn't even finished. <*Three* fanfics!> she
recalled in dawning horror. <They're here about *that*!>
"Forgive me!" she cried, falling to the floor. "I was a newbie,
I didn't know any better, I disowned that 'fic long ago!"
"What fic?" Akane smiled. "The Project Ranko one? Oh, we
didn't mind that. Actually, we're here to help you."
"Help me?"
Ranma spoke up for the first time. "Yeah, we figure you're one
of the tamer fanfic writers, so we'd come and give you a hand with your
love life. You haven't done anything too bad too us."
"Yeah, in my 'fic I got a good kiss..." Akane chimed in.
"And I get plenty of food in your new one..." Ranma paused. "You are
going to get me back to the present, right? I'm not going to be stuck in
namby-pamby Heian Japan forever, right?"
"Oh, no!" Bridget gushed. "See, I already wrote the epilogue."
She dug the computer printout out of her backpack and shoved it at
Ranma. He scanned it and twitched an eyebrow.
"Well... it'll do. So about your love-life..."
"But I don't have one. If I did, would I be writing about you guys?"
"Well, we'll fix that." Ranma stood up. "We brought a full set
of magical noodles, brooches, and other stuff to deal with any resistance
your guy's putting up. We can even find you a new one, if you need help
there."
"That's not the problem at all."
"Really?" Akane blinked. "What's wrong, then?"
A door opened down the hall and a three-foot tall imp in fuzzy
bunny jammies ran into the room.
"Momma, I wake up!"
Bridget picked up the child and hugged her briefly.
"This is the problem. You try finding a babysitter when you
already have to pay for daycare for school _and_ work. Who has time for
a date?" Akane looked thoughtful for a moment, then grinned.
"I know! We'll babysit for you!" Ranma paled and sat back down.
"Uh, Akane? I don't know if I can do *that*. I thought we were
just going to, you know, give a few nudges to some clueless guys. I
didn't know about the kid."
"That's okay!" Akane smiled. "You've got to have kids someday.
Now's a good time to practice!" Ranma sighed. "So, shall we get started?"
"Um... no offense, but I really need to get some sleep. I've
been waitressing for seven hours."
"Oh, okay. We can start tomorrow. It's Sunday, so that's a good time
to begin."
"So... uh... where would you like to sleep? You can share the
waterbed, if you want... I'll have to clean off the laundry first,
though." Akane sent a startled look at Ranma, who stiffened on the
couch. "On second thought, how 'bout one of you takes the couch, and one
of you takes that futon over there?" The two nodded. Bridget opened the
linen closet and dug out a few old comforters and pillows, which she
dropped when she heard an unearthly scream from the living room.
Suddenly she remembered. Sakura and Nabiki. And Ranma really hated
cats... She grabbed the cats and dragged them out to the garage.
Karin poked her head out the door of her room, noticed that
Bridget was still alive, and went back to bed.
------------------------
The next day, Ranma and Akane loaded up Bridget with potions and
noodles and magical jewelry and sent her out to the mall. She skipped a
bit on her way. <Boy, I hope Kyle MacLachlan happens to be in town...>
Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane sat on the couch and stuck in Muppet
Treasure Island for Rachel to watch. She responded by jumping repeatedly
from the back of the couch onto Ranma's head, giggling maniacally the
whole time. Akane cried at the scene where Kermit and Piggy were hanging
upside down from the cliff. Ranma laughed at the fight scene. Then he
realized that Rachel hadn't jumped on his head for a good ten minutes.
They found her in the kitchen, merrily pouring grape juice back
and forth between the wine glasses, spilling a great deal of it on her
white dress. Akane cleaned her up and put a new dress on her while Ranma
dug out _Yojimbo_ and put it in the VCR.
Halfway through, they realized Rachel was quiet again. This time
she had dumped a full bottle of Tilex all over the waterbed and the clean
laundry. Ranma found himself holding the child while Akane tried to
return some order to the room. He brought her back to the living room.
"C'mon, kid," he muttered. "Mifune Toshiro is god, okay? Just
watch the movie."
Akane came back into the room slowly, her face white.
"Hey, Akane, take this kid already..." Ranma began. "Uh, what's wrong?"
"Look at what I found..." she said quietly. Ranma opened the
blue folder she was holding out to him, setting Rachel on the ground.
She ran towards the litterboxes.
"Hey, it's her fanfic folder. She's got all her unfinished ones
in here..." He started leafing through them. "Wait a minute... what
does she think she's doing? No way I'd ever get pregnant..."
"She's got Ryouga on the Muppet Show, and all of us in Regency
England. But that's not the worst."
"What? A lemon too?" Ranma scanned the first few paragraphs.
Waitaminute... Ryouga and Akari are chapter 1?"
"She's got us in bed by chapter 2. The nerve of her!" Ranma
was fuming.
"You mean Ryouga bags a babe before I do? That unpopular twit?"
Akane bashed him over the head.
"Everything's a competition with you!"
"Welll..."
"This is... so humiliating! I thought she was our friend!"
Ranma grinned evilly. "Of course, this means war."
--------------------
Meanwhile, Bridget had located Kyle MacLachlan and was busily
feeding him Noodles of Love. He was looking inscrutable, as was his
wont. His supermodel girlfriend had already left in a huff.
Neither of them noticed the bag of powder that flew into the
ramen from the recesses of the Waldenbooks. Bridget held up another bite
of noodles for Kyle.
"Say Ahh!"
He swallowed the noodles, then turned an odd purplish color.
Bridget screamed. Suddenly Kyle turned into a bird and flew away.
Bridget began to chase after him.
"Now, Akane!"
Akane used her patented Anything-Goes Martial Arts Dimensional
Travel trick to sweep up Bridget, herself, Ranma, and Rachel. The four
vanished from the mall.
The bird landed on Linda Evangelista's shoulder, then turned back
into Kyle. He fell to the ground. After a few moments, he looked up at
her...
"Forgive me?" he whispered.
"Oh, all right." she sniffed. "After all, I forgave you Dune..."
--------------------
The four reappeared in the middle of a vast prairie. For miles
around, there was nothing but grass. Bridget stared into space
brokenly. "Kyle... and I was so close..." Akane glared at her, hoisting
Rachel on her hip.
"We trusted you!" she accused. "We thought you were so nice,
and here you were plotting against us!"
"But I wasn't *really* going to write that lemon! It was just
an idea!"
"The idea was enough!" Ranma spat out. "Anyhow, we've chosen a
fitting revenge for you after all."
"Not Jusenkyou water?"
"Oh no, we just took you back in time. To about the tenth
century AD. About where you stuck me. This is tenth-century Illinois."
"Oh, no!"
"Oh, yes. We figure this will give you some time to think over
your mistakes."
"But how will I survive?"
"Oh there should be an Indian tribe floating around somewhere.
By your time they're all gone except Chief Illiniwek, but there should be
some nearby in this time period."
Bridget sank to the ground in melodramatic misery.
"Anyhow, we'll see you around..."
Ranma and Akane vanished. It took a moment for Bridget to
realize they had taken Rachel with them.
"Aaaagh!"
A good-looking Native American pushed through the grass and
stared at her. She stared at him. He looked kinda like Kyle.
<Y'know, maybe this isn't so bad after all...>
----------------
"So, what are we going to do with the rugrat?"
"I don't know... maybe we should bring her home to Kasumi?"
"Sounds good. We could train her up as a martial artist. She's
already got violent tendencies. Maybe she'll grow up like you..."
"Ranma no BAKA!"
----------------
Karin noticed the next day that Bridget was gone. <More wine for me...>
she shrugged and headed to class.
owari
(1) No, no rats on the waterbed. They sleep in the tub.
Anyhow, hope you enjoyed it!
"...The vanilla extract and garlic I chopped into the dough completely
destroyed the hidden nodes of cherry and watermelon, and for some mysterious
reason, the cornstarch I dissolved in hot water and blended in with the flour
is hardening to a bricklike consistency!" - Akane <b-engma@students.uiuc.edu>
On Sun, 29 Sep 1996, frosty wrote:
Now here's the thing, most everyone on this list has screwed with the R1/2
universe in some way or another. Now my challenge to you is to have
members of the R1/2 universe come back to 'help' you out as outlined in
'sauce'. Go ahead do it. If there are several participants, maybe it can
be arranged to release them all simultaneously on RAAC (of course back when
MZ was in charge, that was guaronteed).
--
frosty: sit back and enjoy. This could be interesting.
clock-boy: That's if they like the idea.
umaro: braga ba rama raaaa.
frosty: quiet umaro, you know that sasquach can't talk.
umaro: @thwack
frosty: uhhhh.....
--
frosty bmfrosty@cris.com
Anime Fanatic/Snes User/Weird Al Worshiper/Hechee Dragon/Whovian
RAACMOD #SNES -=UDIC=-