Subject: (fic) (Ranma) Sauce
From: Scott Jamison
Date: 9/26/1996, 10:45 PM
To: Fanfic ML


				SAUCE
			by Scott K. Jamison
(Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, no infringement 
intended.  Other characters created by Scott K. Jamison, but don't let 
that stop you from reading this anyways:-)

	(Scene:  The CyberX Cafe, early evening.  The coffeeshop/Internet 
provider is moderately busy, with what passes for a trendy Gen X crowd in 
Minneapolis.  The waitperson, Ashley, has black hair with magenta 
streaks, and some disturbing-looking piercings.  Scott is sitting at one 
of the computers, near the north window.  He stares at the screen and 
punches one button repeatedly.)

Scott:  Delete.  Delete...and delete!  Yeesh, 83 posts in a row on 
whether or not spam is a bad thing.  Ah well, time to put in a chapter of 
"Worse"...
	(He types.  The other customers continue the usual coffeeshop 
activities; discussing philosophy, playing chess, necking...a few are 
even drinking coffee!  No one seems to notice a bright flash of light 
outside the window.  Shortly thereafter, a young couple comes in the 
door.  They are immediately recognizable as Ranma and Akane.

Akane:  --told you it would work!

Ranma:  Well, if this does turn out to be the right place, I'll have to 
admit it.  There's *one* thing you do better than me.
	(They approach the counter.)

Akane:  Excuse me, Miss.  We're looking for a "Skuh-jahm"?

Ashley:  Is that supposed to be a person or a thing?

Ranma:  He's a fanfic writer.

Ashley:  Oh, you must mean Scott J.  He's over there on Number Four.  
(points.)

Akane:  Thanks.

Ranma (tapping Scott on the shoulder): Yo.
	(Scott jerks forward, slamming his head into the monitor.)

Scott:  Yaah! *klunk* Oww!  What th--...whoa, nice costumes.

Ranma:  Costumes?

Akane:  He thinks we're actors playing us.

Scott (rubbing forehead): Are you from one of those singing telegram places?

Ranma:  No!  You're SKJAM!, right?

Scott:  Yes.  One of the people on FFML or GRIT finally tracked me down, huh?

Akane:  SKJAM!, I'm Akane Tendou, and this is Ranma Saotome.  The real ones.
	(Scott blinks.  Hard.)

Scott:  The...real...ones?

Akane:  I can see you're going to need some convincing.  Hold on.
	(She goes back to the counter.)

Akane:  I'd like some each of cold and hot water, please Miss?

Ashley:  Yeah, yeah, be right with ya.
	(Ashley takes her own sweet time filling the order.  (As usual.)  
Meanwhile...) 

Scott:  So if you're really Ranma, how'd you get here?  Last I heard, you 
were a comic book character.

Ranma:  Tendo-Style Anything-Goes Martial Arts Dimension Travel.  
Damnedest thing.  I mean, who would've thought a clumsy girl like Akane--

Akane (from counter):  I heard that!

Ranma:  Anyhow, it's a pretty amazing technique.

Scott:  I'd say.  Using martial arts to justify dimensional travel is 
amazingly silly.

Ranma:  No sillier than some of the methods you fanfic writers use to get 
to my world.  Which brings us to why we're here.  Y'see--

Akane:  Got the water!  Cold first--
	(She splashes Ranma, who turns female.)
	...then hot!
	(A quick pour restores his maleness.)

Ranma:  Convinced now?

Scott:  Wow.  You're real.  I can't, well, can scarcely believe it's 
true.  but why are you here?  Why come to me of all people?

Akane:  Well, SKJAM!--

Scott:  Please, call me Scott.

Akane:  Scott, we've had so many fanfic authors insert themselves into 
our lives and/or try to resolve our relationships, that we thought we'd 
return the favor.

Scott:  Um, that sounds fair enough, but why me?  I mean, you could help 
Plunger, he always gets you two together at the end of his fics.  Or 
Kun-chan.  I mean, she follows you two right into the bedroom, for crying 
out loud!

Ranma:  We'll get to them eventually (evil grin).  And Ryouga called dibs 
on that Chris Willmore fella.  But you're first for one very important 
reason.

Scott:  Really?  What?

Akane:  You're the one writing this story.
	(Scott facefaults.)

Scott:  Ow!  Facefaulting hurts!  Say, where you folks staying?

Ranma:  We thought we'd crash at your place.  After all, you guys always 
hang at the dojo when you visit us.

Scott:  But I have a really tiny apartment.  Heck, I don't even have a 
proper bed!

Ranma:  Then it'll be kinda cosy, won't it?

Akane:  Pervert!  (Bashes him with a chair.)

	(People start staring.)

Akane:  Oops!  Sorry, folks, just having a vigorous conversation.  
Nothing to see here.
	(The customers return to what they were doing.)

Ranma:  Ooch.  So, Scott, let's get started.  How many fiancees you got?
	
Scott:  None.

Akane:  Your parents didn't engage you to anyone before you were born?

Scott:  Not that I've heard, and as anxious as they are for grandkids 
you'd think they would've told me by now.

Ranma:  Lucky bas--er, I mean, that should make things simpler.  Okay, 
how many girlfriends?

Scott:  Um....none.

Akane:  Old flames?

Scott:  None.

Ranma:  Any one-sided crushes?

Scott:  Does Kasumi count?

Ranma & Akane:  NO!

Akane:  How about women you can't stand chasing you?

Scott:  Not that I've noticed.

Ranma:  C'mon, surely you've at least dated someone!
	(Scott hangs his head and presses his forefingers together.)

Scott (mumbling):  Vnr hdrldt.

Akane:  Huh?  Speak up.

Scott (blushing):  I've never had a real date.

Ranma:  Why the heck not?  Don't you *like* girls?

Scott:  Hey, I like women a lot.  But I've never had much luck with them, 
because I'm...ugly.

Akane:  That's silly!  A movie star you're not, but you're not ugly.

Scott:  That's not what girls told me all through high school and 
college.  They told me I was hideous and laughed at my face.  They told 
me they'd rather die than be seen with me.

Ranma:  Whoa.  Harsh.  Sure, me and Akane gave Kuno pretty rough 
treatment, but there were at least a couple of girls who liked him.

Scott:  Finally, I gave up.  I just couldn't take the rejection anymore.  
I'm not even sure how to talk to a woman outside business.

Akane:  We've really got our work cut out for us here.  This could take 
weeks!

Ranma:  I have a plan.  HEY, ANY SINGLE BABES IN THIS PLACE?
	(Ranma is instantly surrounded by women.)

Woman One:  I'm single!

Woman Two:  I'm also single!

Woman Three (hiding ring):  I'm totally available, handsome!

Husband:  Hey!

Woman Four:  Baby light my fire!

Ashley:  Me too!  Me too!

Akane (glowing):  Raanmaa, how dare you flirt with those women when we're 
here to help Scott?

Ranma:  Hey, I wasn't asking for me, I was asking for him!  (points.)

Woman One:  Him?  Eeww!

Woman Two:  D'oh!  I just remembered, I'm a lesbian!

Woman Three:  Oh, Harry, you came for me!

Husband:  Sheesh.

Woman Four:  My fire just went out.

Ashley:  No offense, Scott, but I'd rather stick my head in a blender and 
hit "puree."

	(The women vanish as quickly as they appeared.)

Scott:  I hate my life.

Akane:  You aren't that ugly!  There must be a woman out there who wants 
you, and by Takahashi we'll find her!

Ranma:  Yeah!  No matter how long it takes!  Even if we have to bring all 
our friends in on it too!

Scott:  Why does this not encourage me?


	Probably Not To Be Continued, but you never know...

SKJAM!
(Ashley is a composite figure, and should not be taken as any CyberX Cafe 
employee in particular.)