SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, no infringement
intended. Other characters created by Scott K. Jamison, but don't let
that stop you from reading this anyways:-)
(Scene: The CyberX Cafe, early evening. The coffeeshop/Internet
provider is moderately busy, with what passes for a trendy Gen X crowd in
Minneapolis. The waitperson, Ashley, has black hair with magenta
streaks, and some disturbing-looking piercings. Scott is sitting at one
of the computers, near the north window. He stares at the screen and
punches one button repeatedly.)
Scott: Delete. Delete...and delete! Yeesh, 83 posts in a row on
whether or not spam is a bad thing. Ah well, time to put in a chapter of
"Worse"...
(He types. The other customers continue the usual coffeeshop
activities; discussing philosophy, playing chess, necking...a few are
even drinking coffee! No one seems to notice a bright flash of light
outside the window. Shortly thereafter, a young couple comes in the
door. They are immediately recognizable as Ranma and Akane.
Akane: --told you it would work!
Ranma: Well, if this does turn out to be the right place, I'll have to
admit it. There's *one* thing you do better than me.
(They approach the counter.)
Akane: Excuse me, Miss. We're looking for a "Skuh-jahm"?
Ashley: Is that supposed to be a person or a thing?
Ranma: He's a fanfic writer.
Ashley: Oh, you must mean Scott J. He's over there on Number Four.
(points.)
Akane: Thanks.
Ranma (tapping Scott on the shoulder): Yo.
(Scott jerks forward, slamming his head into the monitor.)
Scott: Yaah! *klunk* Oww! What th--...whoa, nice costumes.
Ranma: Costumes?
Akane: He thinks we're actors playing us.
Scott (rubbing forehead): Are you from one of those singing telegram places?
Ranma: No! You're SKJAM!, right?
Scott: Yes. One of the people on FFML or GRIT finally tracked me down, huh?
Akane: SKJAM!, I'm Akane Tendou, and this is Ranma Saotome. The real ones.
(Scott blinks. Hard.)
Scott: The...real...ones?
Akane: I can see you're going to need some convincing. Hold on.
(She goes back to the counter.)
Akane: I'd like some each of cold and hot water, please Miss?
Ashley: Yeah, yeah, be right with ya.
(Ashley takes her own sweet time filling the order. (As usual.)
Meanwhile...)
Scott: So if you're really Ranma, how'd you get here? Last I heard, you
were a comic book character.
Ranma: Tendo-Style Anything-Goes Martial Arts Dimension Travel.
Damnedest thing. I mean, who would've thought a clumsy girl like Akane--
Akane (from counter): I heard that!
Ranma: Anyhow, it's a pretty amazing technique.
Scott: I'd say. Using martial arts to justify dimensional travel is
amazingly silly.
Ranma: No sillier than some of the methods you fanfic writers use to get
to my world. Which brings us to why we're here. Y'see--
Akane: Got the water! Cold first--
(She splashes Ranma, who turns female.)
...then hot!
(A quick pour restores his maleness.)
Ranma: Convinced now?
Scott: Wow. You're real. I can't, well, can scarcely believe it's
true. but why are you here? Why come to me of all people?
Akane: Well, SKJAM!--
Scott: Please, call me Scott.
Akane: Scott, we've had so many fanfic authors insert themselves into
our lives and/or try to resolve our relationships, that we thought we'd
return the favor.
Scott: Um, that sounds fair enough, but why me? I mean, you could help
Plunger, he always gets you two together at the end of his fics. Or
Kun-chan. I mean, she follows you two right into the bedroom, for crying
out loud!
Ranma: We'll get to them eventually (evil grin). And Ryouga called dibs
on that Chris Willmore fella. But you're first for one very important
reason.
Scott: Really? What?
Akane: You're the one writing this story.
(Scott facefaults.)
Scott: Ow! Facefaulting hurts! Say, where you folks staying?
Ranma: We thought we'd crash at your place. After all, you guys always
hang at the dojo when you visit us.
Scott: But I have a really tiny apartment. Heck, I don't even have a
proper bed!
Ranma: Then it'll be kinda cosy, won't it?
Akane: Pervert! (Bashes him with a chair.)
(People start staring.)
Akane: Oops! Sorry, folks, just having a vigorous conversation.
Nothing to see here.
(The customers return to what they were doing.)
Ranma: Ooch. So, Scott, let's get started. How many fiancees you got?
Scott: None.
Akane: Your parents didn't engage you to anyone before you were born?
Scott: Not that I've heard, and as anxious as they are for grandkids
you'd think they would've told me by now.
Ranma: Lucky bas--er, I mean, that should make things simpler. Okay,
how many girlfriends?
Scott: Um....none.
Akane: Old flames?
Scott: None.
Ranma: Any one-sided crushes?
Scott: Does Kasumi count?
Ranma & Akane: NO!
Akane: How about women you can't stand chasing you?
Scott: Not that I've noticed.
Ranma: C'mon, surely you've at least dated someone!
(Scott hangs his head and presses his forefingers together.)
Scott (mumbling): Vnr hdrldt.
Akane: Huh? Speak up.
Scott (blushing): I've never had a real date.
Ranma: Why the heck not? Don't you *like* girls?
Scott: Hey, I like women a lot. But I've never had much luck with them,
because I'm...ugly.
Akane: That's silly! A movie star you're not, but you're not ugly.
Scott: That's not what girls told me all through high school and
college. They told me I was hideous and laughed at my face. They told
me they'd rather die than be seen with me.
Ranma: Whoa. Harsh. Sure, me and Akane gave Kuno pretty rough
treatment, but there were at least a couple of girls who liked him.
Scott: Finally, I gave up. I just couldn't take the rejection anymore.
I'm not even sure how to talk to a woman outside business.
Akane: We've really got our work cut out for us here. This could take
weeks!
Ranma: I have a plan. HEY, ANY SINGLE BABES IN THIS PLACE?
(Ranma is instantly surrounded by women.)
Woman One: I'm single!
Woman Two: I'm also single!
Woman Three (hiding ring): I'm totally available, handsome!
Husband: Hey!
Woman Four: Baby light my fire!
Ashley: Me too! Me too!
Akane (glowing): Raanmaa, how dare you flirt with those women when we're
here to help Scott?
Ranma: Hey, I wasn't asking for me, I was asking for him! (points.)
Woman One: Him? Eeww!
Woman Two: D'oh! I just remembered, I'm a lesbian!
Woman Three: Oh, Harry, you came for me!
Husband: Sheesh.
Woman Four: My fire just went out.
Ashley: No offense, Scott, but I'd rather stick my head in a blender and
hit "puree."
(The women vanish as quickly as they appeared.)
Scott: I hate my life.
Akane: You aren't that ugly! There must be a woman out there who wants
you, and by Takahashi we'll find her!
Ranma: Yeah! No matter how long it takes! Even if we have to bring all
our friends in on it too!
Scott: Why does this not encourage me?
Probably Not To Be Continued, but you never know...
SKJAM!
(Ashley is a composite figure, and should not be taken as any CyberX Cafe
employee in particular.)