From: Sebastian Weinberg, bastian@enterprise.mathematik.uni-essen.de
On Sat, 17 Aug 96 10:58:44 -0600 Travis Butler said:
(I know this is late. *Very* late. It's been a nutso week... at least I
got the web page done, though. It turned into a monster! Ahhhhhh!
Lyra: <Slap>
Er, thanks. I needed that.)
: This does touch on the biggest problem I had with this part, though --
: the Ryoga/Ranko hostility here does seem pretty forced at times. The
: scuffle between Ryoga and Ranko at the training session seems pretty
: natural, but the hostility in the arena:
[snip]
: ...falls flat for me, especially without the 'lose to Kodachi, Ranma must
: date Kodachi, Akane free for Ryoga' incentive; the motive for Ryoga is
: lacking. I'd put at least one scene in with Ryoga before the fight
: starts, showing more of Ryoga's attitude going into the fight. That'd
: also make his reversal during the fight a little more meaningful. ;)
Damn.
Zen told me that he thought Ryouga's hostility was not fitting in.
I thought it might get a little clearer, if #25 was read in
sequence after #24, but apparently that isn't so. I toyed with
the thought of adding a Ryouga scene to #25, where he rants and
rages against Ranko for sending him off in the wrong direction,
and other precieved slights. But #25 was crowded already, so I
never wrote it.
Perhaps I should expand #24? Show more of their relationship, so
that the tension between them is better explained?
That would help... but I still think you need a scene in part 25. It
doesn't have to be terribly long -- something like the equivalent of the
original (where Ryoga shows up at the high school and says he made it
because of his love for Akane) would probably be fine.
Ryouga resents Ranko for pressuring him about proposing to Akane,
while *at the same time* he has the feeling that she doesn't
really leave him a chance to do so: Always putting him down
before Akane, picking on him, etc.
I did catch that from the fight in part 24; I just had trouble accepting
that as the basis for his actions in part 25. As it's presented, it
serves as a constant spark for arguments, but it doesn't seem like enough
of a foundation for the kind of deep resentment/anger that would lead him
to keep sabotaging what Ranko's doing. For me, anyway, that takes a
fairly consistent pattern of development -- as I said in a comment
before, emotions for the most part aren't something you can switch on and
off like a light. :) The original does this with several little scenes
between Ranma and P-chan; you might try doing something similar here.
Ranko resents Ryouga's weakness in admitting his feelings. She
would like to see Akane with a boy, who really *likes* her and
isn't just after her because of the challenge. And she's *very*
angry about "P-chan", even though she has put a stop to his
sleeping in Akane's bed.
Again, *show* this. Put in a couple of dialog bits (doesn't even have to
be complete scenes, just a line or two from Ranko and P-chan's reaction)
where this is developed. The anime and manga do a good job of this --
like the scene where Akane starts training, when Ranma teases him, he
responds, and Akane clobbers Ranma for teasing him.
At some time in the future she will realize that she isn't getting
him to be Akane's friend by being hostile to him, and will try
matching them up *without* his help -
Huh? I think you lost me here. "Try matching them up without his help"?
only to find that Ryouga is too insecure to bear a relationship with
Akane, other than being her pet.
<Sigh> That's too bad. I generally do like Ryoga, and you've given him a
more sympathetic portrayal than most.
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.