Subject: Re: [FFML] [FF][Ranma] Scoop of the Day, Chapter 2
From: "Bryan K. Ogawa" <bkogawa@primenet.com>
Date: 8/23/1996, 6:26 AM
To: Fan FictionML

On Thu, 22 Aug 1996, SEE wrote:

    Okay, here's part two. This didn't come out quite the way I would 
have liked it to, and I'm kinda dissatisfied with it. Any suggestions? 
Again, *any* comments or criticism would be appreciated (even a simple 
"Never write anything again" will do). 

I liked both parts of this story.  A few specific comments below, but
I'm not sure they're much.

[...]
WhereUs that red king when I need it?"

<Format Rant>

If possible, when you translate your text, see if you can find a "Turn
off Smart Quotes" option.  It doesn't really matter, but the "Where's"
there looks like "WhereUs" to those of us with plain ASCII.

While I'm ranting, I'd encourage you to consider using TABs at 5
spaces instead of 8, or even better, paragraphs separated by blank
lines and no indentation, but that's just me.

Please feel free to ignore both of my suggestions.

</Format Rant>

	Gosunkugi somehow managed to become even paler. "Please, 
Noriko-san...don't mention the word 'cats' to me."

Hm.  Why is this?  Ranma's fear of cats?


brought along his trusty camera, along with another strange object. "Hey, 
Hikaru, what's that trinket supposed to be?"

I think trinket's unneeded here.

	Gosunkugi shrugged. "Well, it's hard to say. The last three I had 
were broken after the first day of wearing them."

Maybe different tense -- "... three I had broke after the first day .."

	Ranma Saotome walked on the fence towards the Tendo dojo, lost in 
idle thought. He had left school later than usual, having spent the 

idle unneded?

the first story, sending him into yet another dazed reverie about his 

first floor?

eliminated the possibility. It wasn't Ryoga's style to sneak up on 
people, even if he had sent Ranma another of those blasted formal letters 
of challenge just a week ago. Not Shampoo, either. Mousse? Or Kodachi? 

Q:  Does Ryoga send many letters of challenge?  (just asking)

Blasted seems... wrong for Ranma.

	"The 'Informer,' huh? Does this have anything to do with that 
anti-martial-arts article that was printed last week?" Ranma asked, 
suspicious. Ranma remembered being none-too-happy about the things that 
were said in that editorial. Kuno, on the other hand, spent the next 

to me, "on the other hand" implies that Kuno's reaction was
significantly different than Ranma's, but from the description, it
seems to be pretty similar, just rantier.

	"N-no!" Gosunkugi blurted out. "That wasn't us, that was our 
editor who wrote that!"

is "who wrote that" needed?

	"Have you forgotten? It's time for me to rid the earth of 
you!" Ryoga hurled his umbrella at Ranma, who sidestepped it with little 

I like this quote a lot!

	Noriko sat in the journalism room early the next morning nursing 
a cup of cocoa and jotting down ideas for her next editorial. This was 
the one time Noriko had to herself before the craziness started all over 
again with school starting and the arrival of her crew. *Hmmm...maybe I 
can do one on vandalism and property damage next, maybe? I could probably 
link it to martial arts again.* She took another sip and sighed in 
contentment. *If only the rest of the day could be this peaceful,* she 
thought to herself.

This paragraph is good.

	The door flew open, followed by two figures who looked nothing so 
much as rejected mummies from a tryout for a B-movie. They limped 

How'd the door fly open?  They seem a bit injured to be getting it to
fly open.

glasses. Gosunkugi was there, too. A young lady entered, and...pain. Lots 
of pain and shouting...was that Ranma shouting? More treatment, and 
waking up at his house, wrapped in bandages. Seeing a girl walk away with 
Gosunkugi on her back. *Strong girl, did she carry me, too?* Blackness...

This memory sequence is pretty good.  I like it.

	Noriko's feelings swiftly went from concern and sympathy to anger 
and hatred towards Ranma Saotome. *First the paper, then this! How dare 
he attack my reporters! And without any provocation, too!* she thought, 
her hands beginning to shake. 

Hm.  "without any provocation" seems distant.  Maybe "for no reason"?

Well, that's it for now. Please, send me suggestions on how to make this 
part better, because I kind of think it sucks right now. The next part 

Hm.  What do you feel like is wrong with it?  I think it's OK... you
seem to still be setting up the reasons that Noriko really hates
Ranma, and I'm willing to have a little bit less action to set that
up.  Of course, I want to see more. :)

bryan k ogawa  <bkogawa@primenet.com>   http://www.primenet.com/~bkogawa/