C+C still welcomed
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BGC- BEAT OF DEFIANCE II
Chapter 2
I seem to have missed Chapter 1, unless that was the first story? If not,
would you private e-mail me a copy Ben?
At one table sat a woman. She too had a particular look as well. Many
slang terms were in use for what she was, "Johnson" being the current
favorite. Like many of the other patrons she was casually scanning the
room, waiting.
I think there's a missing comma after patrons (my obligatory comma comment,
you ought to know that by now ;) I promise not to make any more... right
now <evil grin>)
"I believe that you are waiting for me." He said quietly, not bothering to
remove his wide brim hat and duster. The woman tried to see under the
hat, and failed.
"If you are 'Mr. Ski' then yes." she replied guardedly.
OK, this is one of my personal peeves -- incorrectly punctuated speeches.
I'm going to repost something by separate post that addresses this. :)
The man shrugged "It's the name I answer to these days. I belive you
have a job offer." his tone made it a statement, not a question.
You'll probably want to capitalize 'his'
The woman sipped her drink before replying. Making a grimace at the taste
she started speaking in low tones. "My principle wants a third party
guarded. The one to be guarded is a seven year old girl. If you are
interested I will continue." The man made a come on gesture.
<snip>
"Be at the public comm booth at the 5th district gate. From there we will
direct you."
I got lost several times in this part. I lost track of which speech was
supposed to belong to which character.
As she scanned the
area she said to the air, Impressive Detail Sylia.
Did you forget to add your quote marks for this speech?
Nene decided to keep up the pressure. "OK Tina, here are some new
routines that I've worked out. I've been saving them for a special
occasion and this is it!!" With that Nene's icon changed.
Why is Nene announcing what's she's going to do? This sounds like the
stereotype bad-guy who tells the captured hero all his plans just before
said hero escapes and saves the day.... <g>
Cyberbear now long hair in a ponytail.
Are you missing a word here?
The icon was also taller and was
wearing a school "Fuku" with a short dark green skirt.
Oh, no! <g>
Nene however was playing her game, not Tina's. When the bolt landed
to close for comfort Nene responded with a new attack. As the fog
started to clear Tina heard "Mars Fire Ignite!!"
Want to add an "in-joke"? Did you know that Linna's voice actress (Michie
Tomizawa) also does the voice for Rei Hino/Sailor Mars?
Taking off the
headband Nene called out again "Moon Tiara Magic!!" The tiara
transformed into a disk and flew toward Tina.
Yikes! What a thing to do to a friend!!
Tina had just gotten to her feat when the disk struck her.
She had just gotten to her feet too <g>
Pretty good. I guess I'll know a bit more about what's going on when I read
Chapter 1, huh?
Jeanne Hedge
jhedge@waterw.com ==================== 75512.1214@compuserve.com
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I ever met." - Abraham Lincoln
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