On Sun, 28 Apr 1996, Neill Walker wrote a spiffy story!

Well, here it is; my very first fanfic.  Yes, it's Ranma (geez, sorry) 
and no, I don't think it introduces anything REALLY original.  But it's 
a good read (no, really); it has its moments.  Send lots of C&C, and 
smile, I like teeth. (?) 

I, for one, do read Ranma fics.  And I liked this one. ^_^
I read the "teaser" scene you posted a little while back - it worked, 
btw; I saw this in my mailbox and said, "I have to read this one..."

  I should be revising my fic, and I will soon enough, but right now I'm 
just going to go through this and be a little picky.  I'm an English 
major.  I have to. ^_^  I apologize in advance for stuff I miss or get 
wrong and for any typos I may make.
  But hey, maybe if I pick on other people's stuff, my stuff will get 
picked on when it's posted!  (Well, I'm hoping....)
 

		"A Hair Raising Matter"

Is hair-raising hyphenated?

	Ranma stood in front of the mirror, frowning, twisting his head
from side to side, trying to bring the back of his head into view.  "Why on
earth did I ever take this out?" he asked himself angrily.  "For years I've
just left it alone, and now..."  

Did he never take it out to wash it?

It had taken him an hour of twisting, pulling,

and cursing, and he'd only managed to make two braids in his hair. 
Exasperated, he let his tired arms fall to his side.  He grimaced as he felt
his two braids unravel and come to rest on his neck.  "Aargh!"

Ha ha ha! ^_^ 

'two braids' - I don't think you meant two separate braids, did you?  
Did you mean he crosses the sections of hair only a couple of times or 
something? ...But I can't think of a way to phrase that, either.
  That's a hard one.  Maybe: "...and he'd only managed to braid a couple 
of inches of his hair."?

	The door opened a crack and Genma popped his head in. 
"What's the matter, son?  Having a little trouble doing your hair?  After ten
years you still need your old man to do it for you, huh?"  Genma's biting

Ha ha ha!  Glad he's not my father...
As someone else pointed out, he's only been wearing his hair in a braid 
since the Dragon Hair Soup incident.  I can't remember how many years ago 
that was.   (And don't worry about the hair growth; as someone else 
pointed out, there was a manga storyline where the dragon whisker magic 
ran out.  So it's acceptable now for Ranma to unbraid his hair.)

cheeks glowing red.  Gritting his teeth he said, "At least I HAVE hair, you
cue-ball.  The only time you can brag is when..."  With that he swung his
hand down into the sink, pushing a wave of water at Genma's face.  "Rowf

Heh heh. :)

Realizing his situation, he turned and ran, in the opposite direction,

and ran in the opposite

why I took it out!"  He was very frustrated.  His hands shook, his arms were
sore, and his scalp felt like it was being pulled from his skull.  "GRRR! 
STUPID HAIR!"

Hey!  It's me in the mornings!

	Akane's eyes grew wide as she felt her bliss slip away. 
She Inadvertently reached up to touch her hair.  Tears welled up.  "Uh,

      ^ little i

oh," thought Ranma, "Now I've done it."  He closed his eyes and prayed,

thought Ranma.  "Now

an excuse to go into Ranma's room; maybe she could break something. 
Her feet pounded up the stairs and down the hall.  Nabiki's eyes followed

Maybe start a new paragraph with "Nabiki's eyes..."?

	"Alright," answered Ranma, then to Nabiki, "Ow, do you have to

"All right,"

	"Well you do deserve it..."  

"Well, you

  *

	Akane stormed into Ranma's room.  "That ungrateful... why is 
he always so mean?"  She felt tears in the corner of her eyes but 
forced them back, behind anger.  She reached out to grasp the closet 
doors, but her foot caught the leg of a chair.  Her elbow struck the

scarf?" Rage engulfed her now, "I spent a whole week knitting that 

her now.  "I

resistance than she expected, but she was too angry to worry about 
it.  Suddenly something struck her head, hard.  She grimaced in pain.

  *
This section (from * to *) worked.  It flowed well.  The stumbling and 
finding the box was actually worked into the scene and not just tacked on.
  Am I rambling again?  Probably....

revealing a photograph of herself, wearing a yellow dress.  "That's

of herself wearing

Curious, she picked up the other photos.  "Me and Kasumi, me and
P-chan." She chuckled sadly, "me and Ranma."  The photo showed them

sadly.  "Me and

soft, strange.  Glancing over her shoulder, she slowly lifted the lid,
and searched for the object.  

Glancing over her shoulder?  To make sure no one's coming into the room?  
It sounds like she's searching while still looking over her shoulder.

	"I was  just..."  she stammered, then rushed past him through the
doorway.  Tears spilled from her cheeks. She slipped into her room and
slammed the door.  Confused, Ranma peered after her, then sulked. 
"Is she still mad? She must be.  How am I going to fix this one?"  He
definitely couldn't think it through on an empty stomach, so he walked
back down the stairs to the table.

Hmmm.....I liked Ranma's reaction better in the first version of this 
that you posted (where he thinks, "She's really gonna think I'm some kind 
of pervert now," or something like that).
Or does he not see that she was looking through the box?  If he doesn't, 
then this one works well.

	"Something wrong between you and Akane, Ranma?  Something
I should know about?"  Soun waited for a response.  Ranma squirmed
under his glare.

Heh heh.  :)

	"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"  A crash echoed through the
house as the closet door flew off its hinges.  "I'M SO HUNGRY!"  Genma
streaked out of the closet and leapt towards the table.

Ew!!!

	"Well, I just lost my appetite," stated Nabiki.

I would too!!! x_x
Maybe just use 'said' here instead of 'stated.'  'Stated' almost draws 
attention away from what she's saying.

	"You've ruined this fine dinner, Genma!"  Soun began to sob. 

Ha ha ha ha ha!

the Tendous.  He turned into his room; his mind jolted out of it's 

Maybe:  room.  His mind  
But definitely: out of its  (no apostrophe)

	"I just wanted to say... I'm... I'm...What's this?"  His face turned
bright red.  "Where did you get that??"

	Akane looked down at the hair-necklace in her hands.  "I'm sorry,
Ranma, it just, it just fell out of your closet!  I... I was getting some clothes
for your dad... I'm sorry."  Her eyes were so big, she was scared,

So she went back into his room?

	"Ranma...?"  Oh, man she was cute.  He could feel himself being

Oh, man, she

pulled in by her liquid brown eyes.  His face moved closer to hers.

	"Akane..."  He whispered.  He could feel her breath on his face. 
His heart was racing.  Akane reached up and tied the necklace around his
throat, then laid her hands on his shoulders.  Their lips brushed against
each other...

~sigh~

  Suddenly the room went white.  Akane stiffened and pulled

back.  Ranma spun around, blinking.  Soun stood in the doorway, crying, a
camera in front of his face.  A Polaroid drifted down to the floor.

	"Oh, wonderful!  We'll set the wedding for tomorrow!  It's official! 
Sealed with a kiss!"

HA HA HA!!  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

	"But I never... WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD KISS THIS
TOMBOY??"  He booted Soun down the stairs.  Soun just babbled
incoherently, overcome with happiness.

Sounds like Soun, all right....

from the picture.  Slowly (sadly?) He walked to the closet, and bent down

(sadly?) he walked 
closet and bent

for just a little while," he thought, as he lay back on his futon, and fell

he thought as he


Hooray!!
More more more!

[Win95]: Proud of yourself?

He should be!

Well, ya.  For a first attempt I figure it's pretty good.

Oh, it _is_!

[Win95]: But it's only 20k!
Hey, size has no bearing on quality.

Yeah!  So :P BEEEEEEE!!

[Win95]: I take up 70megs...
Like I said, size has no bearing on quality!

Heh heh. :)

-joyce, Disciple of Kasumi
Joey-kun no iinazuke!

Wait a minute...what was I just talking to...?
NANI?  Win95 is now a SIG CHARACTER??  Noooooooo!!
(faints)