******************************************************************************
[Scene: Any bathroom on the USS Enterprise]
[Zoicite's head pops out of the toilet bowl. He has clown make-up on and is wearing a
multi-colored wig]
Zoicite: Damn Skuld..... "Any body of water".... sheesh. [looks at mission outline] Lesse....
"Disguise ship, check. Get me over, check. Get the crystals [flinch]. Get out. No, this is too golden
an opportunity... [looks around for a computer port and spies one. He takes a data clip from his
pocket and slips a it in. He copies files randomly from the main system to the clip. It fills up, and
he repeats the process several times till 8 data clips are full.
[Looking up] Uhhhhh... ship? Beam me to the storage area!
[Zoicite transports over there. We see her standing next to a pile of the crystal]
Zoicite: Ah, here it is! [grabs some and stuffs it in a sack.]
Zoicite: Now to get the hell out of here. [taps a communicator that is in his rubber nose] Neflite, I
am prepared to beam over. [Zoicite waits a few seconds and tries again] Neflite. I am ready to
beam over [still no response] Neflite... do you read?
Neflite [voice coming from communicator]: Who is it?
Zoicite: It's me, Zoicite! Beam me over, I got the stuff [waits 10 seconds] Yo, man beam me
over!
Neflite: Who is it?
Zoicite: [thinking] Man, he sounds stoned... [aloud] It's me, Zoicite! I think security is gonna
notice me in a few minutes, beam me over!
Neflite: Who?
Zoicite: Zoicite!
Neflite: Zoicite's not here.
Zoicite: Ah man, I'M ZOICITE!!!!!!!!
Neflite: Who?
Zoicite: ZOICITE!!!!
Neflite: Zoicite's not here!
Zoicite: I'm right HERE! I'm Zoicite
Neflite: Who is it?
Zoicite: It.... is ZOICITE.
Neflite: Zoicite's not here
Zoicite: I'M ZOICITE!!!!!! Z.O.I.C.I.T.E.!!!!!!! FIRE UP THE GODDAMN
TRANSPORTER!!!!!!!!!
Neflite: Zoicite?
Zoicite: Yes! Now will you beam me over?
Neflite: Zoicite's not here.
Zoicite: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! [Slumps to the ground. Suddenly, Lita appears...
with a well armed security force of about 5.]
Lita: Hahaha... ass kicking!
Zoicite: Gulp........
******************************************************************************
[Scene: Rei's temple, the front steps... all of the "Spiner Scouts" found so far are there.]
Rene: If this series goes true to form, then we will be finding "Sailor Venus" fairly soon.. Or more
likely, Luna.
Worf: I cannot see how a cat can be more of an asset than another humanoid with special abilities.
Rene: The cat is excellent council.... and her head is fun to bounce. [Everyone looks at Rene
funny till she shows her the Luna Ball]
Picard: What does that thing do?
Rene: Well.... it is a weapon, a communication device, and with it everyone can dunk like Mike.
Picard: It must be a highly advanced piece of equipment, from a very advanced civilization.
Rene: Not really. Sony is coming out with one next month, except that it plays CD's too. They
call it the Swiss Army Ball.
Deanna: Just to get us back on subject, why is it so important that we find... Luna?
Rene: Because if what you tell me is true, then Wesley Crusher has a serious advantage over us:
he knows almost everything about the inner senchi. Were we live, what we do... He can exploit
that at any time.
Geordie [now very interested]: How come?
Rene: He just got web access. The combination of all of the SM web pages will tell him all he
needs to know, even to the very details of how I was conceived!
[Flashback, Scene: a bedroom in the moon kingdom. Two figures are under the covers]
Serina: Mmmmmmmm.... Darian!
[SNAP]
Darian: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Luna [from behind a chair]: Damn, I thought I got rid of all of those....
[Jump to present. All of the Spiner Scouts are staring wide eyed at Rene]
Rene: Hmmmmm... I wonder why I was an only child?
Geordie: Hey! That info CAN'T be at any web page!
Deanna: But it makes for one heck of a flashback.
Voice from out of nowhere: SO WILL YOU GETTING SMASHED!!!!!
Deanna: I don't dri-.... uh oh [looks around and sees the assistant youma from a few scenes ago
charging a card]
Deanna: Commercial, PLEASE have a commercial...
[Fade out]
******************************************************************************
[Fade in]
[Scene: Rene is playing the Sailor Moon S video game, and Serina is right beside her, facing the
audience]
Serina: It has come to our attention that many of you think that video games are harmful to
today's youth. I offer a rebuttal. [goes over to Rene, who is obviously concentrating hard on the
game] As you can see, this game INCREASES the ability to concentrate. Here, look at her eyes
[points them out, and they are set in a look of grim determination to kick someone's ass] can you
imagine what an asset such concentration will be in her schoolwork? And in the game, she is
learning "real world negotiating skills" [cut to the game, where Chibi-Usa is pounding the crap out
of Sailor Moon]. Betcha they don't teach that in school! And look at this [points out the grip Rene
has on the controller] can you imagine what a grip like that could be used for? Don't think too
hard, or I'll call the cops on you [smiles]! So in conclusion- OOPS!
[Serina has just tripped over the power cord, yanking if from the wall. Rene turns her head a fill
180 degrees]
Rene: What.... did..... you..... just.... DO!?
Serina: Ah ahahahaha..... oops....
[We fade out on a scene of life imitating art, as Serina is getting her ass kicked by her daughter.]
******************************************************************************
[Fade in]
[Scene: A storage area on the Enterprise. Zoicite is not having a good day. Lita, on the other hand,
is. The ensigns that accompany her look worried]
Ensign #1: Er... Commander Worf? Ah... that is a Borg over there. Y'know... the kind with arm
lasers?
Zoicite: Oh, so THAT is what that button is for [presses button on his arm, and a laser shoots out
killing one of the ensigns. He fires four more times, and all of the other ensigns are taken out]
Lita: Dammit, do you have ANY idea how many forms I have to fill out because of that?
Zoicite: Too damn bad! Think you can take me on your own?
Lita: Of course I can! JUPITER POWE-.... eh? I'm not starting to change. No stock footage is
playing.... [She stops pondering to looks up to find that she is alone] Aw nuts!
[Scene: Counselor Troi's bathroom]
Zoicite: Damn, I'm GOOD! That was too easy! Just call me double oh seven! Brilliant how I spit
on the ground and jumped in.... the toilet wasn't to good, however... Gotta be a better way to
transport [Runs some water in the sink and jumps through.... her bag, on the other hand, doesn't
go down the drain. She winds up in sickbay. Luna is puzzling over a piece of medical equipment]
Luna: Lesse... laser operating knife... how do you switch this thing on? Oh, maybe this is it [hits a
button]
[FZAP]
Innocent bystander patient: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Luna: Heh heh heh.... um, sorry! Damn old joke.... [just then she notices that Zoicite is leaping
out of her coffee]
Zoicite [humming]: Oh, Jadeite will be so pleased! [starts to whistle... then she figures out that she
isn't on the ship.] Uh-oh....
Luna: Stop! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!! [Whips out the Moon BFG]
Zoicite: Ummm.. Wrong turn at the RGO. Ja ne! [Jumps back into the coffee]
Patient [not the fried one]: The Borg shouldn't be whistling.....
Luna: The... oh, yeah... maybe.... maybe they've changed. [Thoughtful as she remembers how
Neflite had found love, and how Malekite went berserk anytime anyone hurt Zoicite]. Maybe they
have...
Patient [we see it's a little girl on a bed, hugging a teddy bear]: But perhaps the Borg with
emotions would be too much..... like an amoeba transfused with the powers of a human being.
The order of things would be disturbed. The Borg-
Luna: If you are gonna make an Akira reference, you might as well stop now. I don't find any of
them funny.
Patient: Damn.
******************************************************************************
[Scene: The Borg Ship. Zoicite is back and he's pissed! He is currently looking for Neflite to have
a little... "talk". He finds him, next to a CD player with "Cheech and Chong" on. He sees Zoicite
and looks up.]
Neflite: Hey, man! You should listen to this CD Jadeite found! This other one wasn't as good, but
it said what we had to do with the paper that came in it.... I had to donate the sock, though. But
hey, I got to smoke it... hehehehehe- [WHACK] OUCH!!!!!
Zoicite: Ok... NOW I feel better. So, are we getting out of here?
[Jadeite and Malekite enters. Malekite runs over to Zoicite and hugs him]
Malekite: Oh, I was so worried about you! Are you alright?
Zoicite: Yes, I'm fine. It wasn't too hard.
Jadeite: So, you got the stuff?
Zoicite: Yep! Right here in this ba-.... um.... where is my bag? [remembers that it is on the
Enterprise]. Ah, man... the day can't get much worse than this!
Malekite: Ummmmm.... guys.... does the Enterprise seem a lot closer to us now?
[Everyone looks at the instruments, which say that the ship is closing fast]
Jadeite: Zoicite! Do we have and weapons?
Zoicite: You know we don't!
Jadeite: Well, get Nav. up at your conn. Malekite, you keep tracking the ship, and Ne-
Neflite: GUYS!!!! Nyahaha! Dude! Far out ! I got a plan!
Zoicite: This should be cute....
Neflite: No, man! Dig this! Y-see, we have to....
[That little scene warp thingie with the moon tiaras]
******************************************************************************
[Scene: The front of Rei's house. The youma is beginning his attacks. The author would now like
to point out that this scene is a hell of a lot funnier if you enjoy and play Magic. If you don't...
well, it should still be ok.]
Data: Why are you attacking us? Who are you!?
Youma: My name is Joe Boo, and I-
Geordie: It's a giant CHICKEN!!!!!
Joe: Oh, gee... haven't heard that one before... Ur Ur Ur.... Anyway, I'm here for the glory of the
Negaverse! Die!!!!!
Joe: Lesse.. Tap one white and one.... ahhh, black land.. ARISE MESA PEGASUS!!!!!
[From the cards a white Pegasus appears, and boy does he look like Zoicite did...]
Data: Geez! Guys, we have to transform!!!!
Deanna: We don't have any time!
Worf: I agree, we-... ah... ah.. ACHOO!!! [Worf's sneeze blows the Mesa Pegasus 3 blocks away
where it slams into the side of a wall and dies]
Joe: Damn 1/1 creatures... please don't let this be my "Weenie Madness" deck .....
Deanna: Ummmm.. MARS POWER TRANSFORM... or something like- URK!!! [Deanna is cut
off as the transformation takes place. She is whipped around and has a Sailor Scout uniform on at
the end of it all.] Ooooooooooooooooo..... I don't feel too good.
Picard: Pretty Piccy!!!!! [Holds hand up into the air]
Riker-ohki: Oh, no! Not again [notices evil gleam in Worf's eyes]. Please don't Hail Mary me
again...
Worf: Heh heh heh... of course not. EXTRA POINT!!!!! [Worf punts Riker over Picard's head]
Riker: OW!!!!!! [Sails over Picard's head... who changes into Pretty Piccy]
Joe: Hahahahaha!!!! Fools! POWER SINK!!!!!!! [Suddenly, Picard and Deanna transform
back] HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Picard: That is unethical comba- [noticed that Crusher appeared. She turns and runs away]
Picard: [thinking] Now what the hell was that about.....?
Joe: There is no way that I'm gonna let any of you transform again! I call upon the mighty...
uh... the mighty... [looks through his deck] DAMN!!!! This IS the Weenie Madness!!! Ummm... I
call upon the mighty..... uh..... the mighty SCRYB SPRITES!!!!!!
[Suddenly, a flock of fairies appear. All of the people present break out laughing]
Joe: Oh, you wouln't be laughing long!!!!!
Worf: Why? Are we going to a Pauly Shore movie?
Joe: Nooooo.... I put 3 GIANT GROWTHS ON THE MUTHAS!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly all of the sprites look like Arnold Schwartzenagger (SP?).... on steroids.]
Worf: Ulp... uh.... guys... we may need help!!!!!!
Data: No need for that! I am the star, he HAS to let me transform!
Joe: No I don't
Data: Yep, you do... it's in the contract. Read it more carefully... now.. MOON PRISM
POWER!!!!!!! [Data starts to transform. Everyone goes out for Chinese.... from China. As they
come back, Data is finishing up]
Data: I AM SPINER MOON, CHAMPION OF JUSTICE!!!!! ON BEHALF OF THE MOON, I
WILL RIGHT WRONGS AND BECOME A MARKETING GIMMICK!!!! IN THE NAME OF
THE MOON, I'M GONNA KICK YER _ASS_!!!!!!!!!!
Geordie: Data! You used contractions
Data: I do not know how... this is most odd. However, [turns to Joe] YOU HAVE ATTACKED
MY FRIENDS! DIE, JOE BOO!!!!!!!!
Deanna: What's going to be alright? [bad pun.... "Die, Joe Boo" Say it really fast]
Joe: I'm tired of waiting!!!! PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED!!!!!!! SPRITES, ATTACK!!!!!!
Crusher: I don't think so [everyone turns to the bushes were they either see CMO Beverly
Crusher or a small black cat]. I've found the one force that you can't fight!!!
Youma: There is nothing!!!!
Crusher: Except..... JOCKS!!!!! I have a football team backing me up!!!!
Youma: SHIT!!!! I'm outta here! [he creates a portal behind himself and disappears. All of the
sprites run away]
[A rose appears out of the sky]
Q: Sailor Scouts! I am Tuxedo Mask, and I have come to-.... oh. I'm late. Well, I knew you knew
that you'd be able to do it. I'm going to go home and play DOOM. Moon BFG!!!!! [he jumps
away]
Data: Lets go home.... Ms. Crusher, we have a lot to catch up on. Uh, were is the football team?
Beverly: I lied. I had no one.... lets go. I'm starved.... got anything at the house?
[Rene comes up from behind a rock where she had been hiding]
Rene: Sure... we have and ice cream maker at the house! A Skuld-o-matic. [She grins, and Data
decides to ask questions about the fight later.]
******************************************************************************
[Scene: The Borg cube. All hell should be breaking loose, but everyone is under control. Jadeite
and Malekite are busy positioning mirrors, Neflite is obviously out of it, and Zoicite is waiting for
her part.]
Jadeite: Ok, Malekite! Are you sure that the mirrors are aligned properly on your side?
Malekite: Yeah... Zoicite, start singing this [passes a lyric sheet to him]... and hope that this
works....
Zoicite: I don't get Neflite's plan... but...
Malekite: It's a good plan, it should work!
Neflite: No stems no seeds, more of what you need! Acapulco Gold: some..... [takes a hit of sock]
bad ass weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
Malekite: You did file for life insurance, right?
Jadeite: The ship will be in range in a few seconds! Start singing!
Zoicite: Ok [looks at sheet, clears throat]
Zoicite: Blowing Bevis by moonlight!
Dancing naked in the daylight!
Butthead tells me that she's real ti-
Malekite: Oops.... wrong sheet. [passes another one to Zoicite. Zoicite looks over it and starts to
sing]
Zoicite: In the velvet darkness
of the blackest night
Burning briiiiiight.
There's a guiding staaaaaaar (those who get reference, get your lighters ;>)
No matter what or who you aaaaaaaaaaaare
There's a liiiiiight!!!!!!
[Jadeite and Malekite's mirrors catch the light of thousands of BIC lighters held up into the air at
the line "There's a light". All of it is reflected to a lens, where it is focused shot at the Enterprise]
*****************************************************************************
[Enterprise bridge]
Serina: Worf, are you saying that Zoicite escaped!?
Lita: Gomen! It happened so fa- [Suddenly, this ship is rocked by an explosion]
Rei: Captain, I think we've been hit!!!!
Mina: I sense great- OW [Rei reached over and smacked her]
Serina: I thought that they were supposed to be powerless!!!!!!
******************************************************************************
[ Scene: Borg Ship]
Zoicite: There's a liiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!! [light gun fires again]
******************************************************************************
[Enterprise]
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]
Serina: Return fire!!!
Lita: We're not in range! [panel an ensign is standing in front of blows up for no reason]
Serina: Suggestions!!!!!!!!
Ami: I suggest that we put all of our resources into out navigational assets and try to make a
strategic retreat where we can regroup and plan for our next scrimmage.
Serina: Wha?
Ami: We need to get the hell out of here
Serina: Duly noted! Lets get to a safer section.... how about 359?
******************************************************************************
[Jadeite's ship]
Zoicite: Flow Morpheus slow, let the-
Jadeite: Thanks, but that is enough. They're leaving.
Malekite: Sensors show that their shields are down 43%! We can blow them away!!!!
Jadeite: No... we are not killers anymore. We are.... [he looked around at his comrades]... a
family.
Zoicite: Hey dad, can I borrow the car?
Jadeite: June, please smack the Beav`.
[Neflite softly smacks Zoicite]
Jadeite: Thank you. Now, lets all stick together... after all, we don't know what the next episode
may bring.....
*****************************************************************************
[Scene: The Enterprise. The usual damage is done to the bridge area...y'know, some wires
crackling, stuff burn, an unconscious ensign here and there, wakos running around, plauge and
madness every-... oh, wrong reference.... Serina is standing in front of her chair, Rei is in hers...
and is still being massaged]
Serina: Geez, we got our asses STOMPED!!!! What happened?
Rei: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh.... huh? Something happened?
Ami: Captain... perhaps you should file a Captain's Log and give it to Starfleet. They are going to
want a record this event, starting with your log.
Serina: Fine.... what do I do?
[Ami tells her]
Hey, ... hey? Is this thing on? Am-... er Data, what button was it again? Oh, this one. Ahem...
Captain's Log, Stardate.... damn that's a long number. Anyway, we just got walloped by some
Borg, and we are now proceeding to the nearest Starbase for repair.... luckily it is where we were
going anyway. We're going to proceede in picking up the scientists, as outlined in last episode.
Um.... bye! Oh, and send money!!!!
*****************************************************************************
[Kick in El Hazard "Next episode" BGM]
Data: Our next episode.... hey, cool! It's all about us! The Spiner Scouts will be looking for the
mysterious "Sailor B", and of course Wesley will NOT want us to get to her... or him. Also, he has
some powerful new allies.
[Scene of random Ensign in a sailor suit]
Data: See you there!
It is the dream of those... ah, screw it, I want to pursue a stand up
career. This disembodied voice stuff doesn't pay squat! I even have the jokes!
Here, listen:
"Boy, Sailor Moon really gives new meaning to the phrase "Imagine yourself
in a Mercury, ne?"
******************************************************************************
Hey kids! Don't do drugs, they will mess you up! They make you irrational, mess up your
system, even kill you. Now- [pauses as she notices Rei sneaking up behind her].... Rei, don't even
think about it.
"Why not?," Rei asked mockingly. Then there was the click... like that of a gun.
"There's a ten gauge checking out your cranium.... Ms. Little Nose." Rally Vincent steps
out of the shadows, holding... well, ten gauge.
Also, don't mess with anyone too much.... Sailor Says
[fade out, we hear a gunshot]
You shot my friend!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
[We hear another]
******************************************************************************
LUNA LETTERS!!!!!
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 1996 13:57:30 -0500 (EST)
From: AlberCrombie [cesnyd01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu]
Reply-To: fanfic@andrew.cais.com [fanfic@andrew.cais.com]
In-Reply-To: <013.08035647.RKXE96B@prodigy.com> from "MR JAMAL T RORIE" at Jan 6,
96 01:24:36
am
Subject: Re: [FanFic] Spiner Moon pt 2a... revised... again...
MR JAMAL T RORIE verbalized:
(shut UP Kathryn),
Ok, just who is Kathryn and why do you keep yelling 'SHUT UP'?
other than that - the story is ^@$@$@ hilarious.
AlberCrombie
Luna: Ok! Who is Kathryn? Welp, that is the author's friend "Nuku-Nuku". Yep, that is her
nickname.. That and KC. They met about 1 « years ago on a BBS and have been great
friends ever since. She was introduced to anime via a few tapes that he sent, and she's no on her
way to becoming Full-Blooded Otaku. Hell, she even got a nose bleed talking to her boyfiend
(heh, heh, heh!!!!!)! BTW, she does like to make sick jokes, but she got that
from the author... who in turn got it from another friend. She is now making SM fans faster than I
can make Ranma fans. I will have to stop her...
Good question! Next!
------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 11:56:25 -0500 (EST)
From: Sailor Gallifrey [omega@io.org]
Reply-To: fanfic@andrew.cais.com [fanfic@andrew.cais.com]
In-Reply-To: <polaris.334.0082F20E@interpac.net>
Subject: Re: [FanFic] Spiner Moon
You're going full speed on this on, aren't you. Say, is there a
plot somewhere--I'm confused. And there were enough anime in-jokes to
discourage the uninitiated. Sailor Uranus and Zoisite? That was
funny! Sailor Mercury having fit? Wow.
Somebody stop this guy!!!!
--Omega
Luna: In-Jokes? Do you think that at the end we should start to reference the in-jokes? Just the
anime ones or all of them? We'd hat to discourage anyone from reading this.
Oh..... Plot? We have a plot? Didn't know that.
Next!!!!
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 20:54:46 -0500 (EST)
From: AlberCrombie [cesnyd01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu]
Reply-To: fanfic@andrew.cais.com [fanfic@andrew.cais.com]
In-Reply-To: <013.08459990.RKXE96B@prodigy.com> from "MR JAMAL T RORIE" at Jan
11, 96 08:07:30
pm
Subject: Re: [FanFic] Spiner Moon pt 3b
Dear Luna:
The Gopher says, 'this is great' - however I must state that I have
never seen SM. (According to some, I am a minority, and should stay this
way). Not being a Star Trek fan, either, I must admit this is bloody
hillarious. But, just one question : what the hell is going on?
Thank you, enjoy it, keep writing.
The management, er....The Gopher.
Luna: Ok... we may have to do a brief overview of both series for you. Before we do that, do
this: Go to Doi's Sailor Moon Homepage. Ask anyone for the address. That will give you an
background on all of the characters. Now, the plot mostly plays off of the Sailor Moon R plot of
the Queen Beryl situation. I'll get to that later.
Trek will be harder. The only thing you really need to know is who is who. Again, I can't help
you with a URL.
Story so far:
The ST:TNG characters have been jumped from their cozy Trek series and vice versa. Sasami
and Ryo-ohki are now bodiless, and Picard and Riker inhabit them. The Spiner Scouts, as they are
called, are trying to get the hell out. The Sailor Scouts, on the Enterprise, are doing the same thing.
Early on in the series, Jadeite was encased in a crystal by Queen Beryl. Also, Malekite, Zoicite,
and Neflite's deaths were all related to crystals in some way. That explains the crystal [flinch]
jokes. Anyway, once Beryl was defeated (in my story) Jadeite was freed. He came to the future
using magic and revived all of the Youma. They now are starting to become more humane... but
will the Sailor Scouts let them live long enough to have the chance? And what of the Borg ship's
time travel capabilities (the reason why Jadeite can't just zap them back will be explained in part 4
or 5)?
Also, Wesley was warped back as Queen Beryl. He is seeking revenge against all of the regulars
because everyone loves them and hates him.
That clear it up?
******************************************************************************
This is the re-write of Part 3. PLEASE critique it. Also, let me know if you want to be in Luna
Letters (I'm getting around to you, Shampoo!). I have a few in stock, but I don't know how well
RAAS will receive Spiner Moon. I may need some more from you guys.... and gals.
One major point: Tell me if having a theme song was worth it. It took me about half an hour to
write that.
