Captain's Log, Stardate 83271283912102.834872... ah, screw it.
We have been pulled away from our.....ah, important mission for crew
sanity. Yeah, that's the ticket. Anyway, we've been pulled to from
our mission to investigate a concentration of waves in the electromagnetic
spectrum in the Enigma quadrant. While electromagnetic waves are nowhere
near rare, even in concentration, this anomaly stays around for only
30 minutes every 24 hours, and is always near 100MHz.
[Cut to the captain's chambers. We see Picard finishing off the Captain's
Log, when that stupid tweedly-boop chimes]
Picard: We can travel the stars, solve all international conflicts,
most interplanetary ones, but we can't make a damn doorbell. [Feels
top of head] Or a good hair cream. Come.
[Door opens, Riker steps in]
Riker: I demand to know why our shore leave is canceled!
Picard: One, its a "phsycological maintenance mission". No way in
hell would Starfleet finance a "shore leave" to Disney Planet
[Picard gives 3 winks, Riker catches on].
Riker: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Picard: Two, never take that tone with me. And address me properly.
Riker: Yes, oh balding one.
Picard: Dammit, don't MAKE me stick you in a room with Wesley Crusher.
Riker: Message received. Now, why are we being pulled away? I mean, I was
just about to get my Captain Kirk on when BANG! I'm back up here.
Picard: Well, number one, you COULD read the script.
Riker: Oh..... yeah. [strikes pose, exits]
***********************************************************************
[Dong Dong Dong...]
The screen pans up, and we see columns of what appears to be back lit marble on a
zygarett.. On top of each one is the figure of a girl, also back lit. We finally see the light,
which is the moon]
[start drum section]
Zoom in on the face of the central girl. It is.... Brent Spiner? Yep, decked out in an SM
outfit. He takes off, followed by Picard in Pretty Sammy garb; Troi, Worf, Barclay, and
Geordie follow in SM clothing. A clear shillouette of Data's head appears in the clouds
(what little movable hair is moving), over the black shillouhets of the afore mentioned cast
(it REALLY helps if you've seen the SM S opening). The "Data Head" becomes opaque ,
and his hair touched the top and bottom points of an "S". The S is part of the "Spiner
Moon" logo. The sky dissapears to be replaced by a bubble background]
"I'm sorry, I'm not gentle.", [drum sound]
[Brent Spiner in a SM outfit, back twards camera is superimposed over the title]
I can say if it's in my dreams.
[A warped city block. Geordie turns and looks to the camera. Troi does the same. Cue
drum beat, and a pic of Data, Geordie, and Troi is superimposed over the city street]
My thoughts are about to short circuit.
[A butterfly flys past the picture, with Barclay in persuit. It passes by Worf, who toasts the
sucker with a phaser blast. Do the super-impose thing again.]
Right now, I want to meet!
[Two ensigns faces appear over the scene, they jump in 2 different directions-]
Making me want to cry, moonlight.
[-revealing someone in a Tux running infront of a large Q sign]
I can't telephone either, midnight.
Because of my naivete, what will i do?
[Pan up to the right. An appology message shoots on screen; it reads "this next scene is
WAAAAAAAAAAY too much of a spoiler]
My heart is a kaleidoscope.
[Sailor Moon, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune descend upon a city,
but in ST:TNG clothing]
Led by the moonlight,
we meet by chance many times over.
[Basically the Sailor Scouts blowing the crap out of things while flipping around and
spinning.]
The number of twinklings of the constellations
[The Enterprise NCC-1701-D is shown, the saucer section split along the side and opens
up. Sailor Moon in a red Starfleet uniform emerges]
foretell love's whereabouts.
[Normal Picard and Riker are stading side by side. The screen flips around and Picard and
Riker are there... but it's Pretty Piccy and Riker-Ohki (read to find out)]
Born on the same earth, a miracle romance.
[The Spiner Moon cast cut outs and Sailor Moon cast cutouts assemble themselves on the
Moon Pyramid. Flick on the title "Spiner Moon" again]
Spiner Moon, Part 1!: "Who needs titles?"
***********************************************************************
[Enter a certain house in Tokyo. Specifically, the room of a certain moon
princess. More specifically, zoom on that certain person's bed,
where a certain cat is trying to rouse her]
Luna: USAG...er, I mean SERINA! GET YOUR LAZY BLOND ASS OUT OF BED!!!!!
IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Serina [suddenly at attention]: Luna! You've never used language like
THAT before!
Luna: That's because this is a fan parody, you insufferably stupid bitch.
I can say what I damn well please!
Serina: Huh.... does that mean I can do what I want to?
Luna: Of course, dumb ass.
Serina [Mischievous look in her eyes]: I've been waiting for this... MOON
SCEPTER ANNI-
Luna: Did I say dumb ass? I meant.... uh.... "super lass." Yeah, that's it.
Serina [puts wand away to.... gee, where does she put it?]: Nice save.
Anyway, what's this emergency?
Luna: There is a huge black swirly thing in the sky over your school!
Serina: Oh NO! Is it doing any damage?
Luna: No... it's not.
Serina: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ..... I didn't do my Algebra One
homework.
Luna [mumbling ]: So practice your future job skills and blow Melvin
for it.
Serina: WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!?!?! MOON SCEPTER A-
Luna: [quickly]: Moon BFG9000 owie [Luna whips out a that gun from DOOM
and shoots a moon shaped forcebolt the size of Manhattan over Serina's
head]
Serina: Um.... nevermind.... I'm on my way.... get the other Sailor
Scouts... Say.... where did you get that gun?
Luna: You didn't think that I'd give you guys the GOOD stuff, did you?
*************************************************************************
[Switch to the bridge. The full bridge crew is there, including Wesley and
Yar.]
Picard: What the hell are THEY doing there!? They're supposed to be dead!
Narrator: Oops.... sorry. [Yar and Crusher both explode in a flash of
light]
Deanna: Uhhh... captain? Wesley's not dead.
Picard: SHHHHHHHHH! The author doesn't know that, he's only a trekkie on
the side. Besides, a little white lie and a dry cleaning bill for the
damage to the place where he went boom is a fairly good price to get rid
of that snot.
Data: Captain, we are in range of the anomaly.
Captain: On screen. [Data places the object On screen. It is hard to make
out what it is, as the screen is jumping so much]
Riker: Data... what is that? Why can't we focus on it?
Geordie: Hmmmm.... it might be interfering with the sensors....
give me a second..
Data: I do believe he was talking to me, Mr. LaForge.
Geordie: Bite me. Hold on.
[Geordie goes to the Big-Ass View Screen (TM) (made by the Big-Ass corp,
which also produces spatulas) and flips down a black panel below it. This
reveals various knobs and buttons.]
Geordie: Lesse.... contrast.... color.... CATV....stereo sound.......ah,
here it is! Vertical hold.
[The screen stops jumping and displays an orange whirly thing]
Picard: Data..... what _is_ that? [Data opens his mouth to speak,
but Picard cuts him off]
Picard: and if you say "an orange whirly thing" I will personally beat
your bionic butt.
Data: I was merely going to mention that this looks surprisingly familiar
to an anomaly that we faced in a ST:TNG/Red Dwarf fanfic.
Riker: Which anomaly?
Deanna: Which ST:TNG\Red Dwarf fanfic?
[ Data rolls his eyes at the futility of it all, and reads them the
analyses of the anomaly. It matches what was expected.]
Picard: Good. Mr. Data, fire a stream of tachyons into the center of the
anomaly.
Data: Sir.... why?
Picard: That's what it says here in "Mr. Scott's Star Trek Technical Space
Stuff: What-To-Do" manual. [Picard glances down at the manual] Also, give
it an obscure name.
Data: I hate to point this out, sir, but Mr. Scott wasn't exactly an
expert on spacial anomalies. Apparently, they are only using his _name_ as
endorsement, so that information could be wrong.
Picard: But it's produced by Time/Life books.
Data: Do you mean the people who did that home repair series?
Picard: Yes.
Data: Well then, it must be right.
Wesley: Hey, didn't you try that tachyon thing with another anomaly and
nearly screw all of humanity?
Picard: Didn't we kill you?
[Before Wesley can reply, a gerbil exits the turbolift, quickly devours
Wesley, and escapes the way he came]
Riker: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Worf: I don't know, but I think I'm going to like this author!
Picard: Now, back to the anomaly. Instead of tachyons, fire phasers into
it.
Deanna: But what if its an intelligent life form?
Worf: Then it's just about to have a really bad day
[Worf slams down on the fire button]
***************************************************************************
"When *is* that moron going to show up!?" Rei was tired of all this.
First, on the one night she did *all* of her algebra homework, the school
has a strange... force.... over it (no, NOT DUCK TAPE), making her efforts
moot. She had lost a lot of sleep that night, so she tried to take a nap
while her chronically late leader showed up. As she was falling asleep, one
of the sailors whispered "Overfiend" into her ear.
Needless to say, the dreams weren't pleasant.
To top it off, Sailor Neptune was looking at her kinda funny......
"Sorry I'm late! I go out of be- OUCH!!!!!!!!!!" Rei's right fist
connected squarely with Serina's left eye. She went down.... hard.
"Wow..... abusing others felt.... GOOD! I'll have to change the Sailor
Says for this afternoon!" Rei started cackling a la' Kodachi, Amy only
sighed and read her book, Mina and Lita also paid no attention. However, all
were grinning. Till, of course, that familiar rose came zooming in.
"Sailor Scouts! How dare you attack my meal ticke-, er, my future wife!
Must I "re-enforce" what you have been taught on conduct?" scolded Tuxedo
Kamen.
"Depends.... positive re-enforcement?" Rei's mind drifts to her and
Darien making out.
"Besides, why are you named kamen in here instead of "mask"?"
"Probably a Star Trek joke coming up."
"Hey guys, did you know that this disturbance, when it becomes
unstable, will affect the reality around us?" Amy said out of nowhere.
"Good work Amy, at least SOMEONE here is doing some work. Are you
using that computer I gave you?" Luna asked.
"No, I hot-wired my GameGear. It is a lot better than that Kitty-Crap
900," Ami replied.
Luna sighed. "Well, what will make it unstable?"
"A phase blast would do nicely.... but who would do that? Besides, the
first thing we'd notice is a change...in...the....style...of......writing.
Oh crap." Suddenly, a HUGE bolt crackled through the disturbance. It
engulfed the area around them and suddenly.....
There was nothing.
***************************************************************************
"Captain," Data started, "it appears that the anomaly is... OH SHIT!!!"
The ship was engulfed by a force bolt similar to the one that hit Tokyo.
"Damn.... a cross-over..... again...." said Worf began, before he
passed out.
And then there was nothing.
And then the authors wheel landed on "bring back dead enemies"
***************************************************************************
Somewhere... a crystal cracked.... somewhere, a soul rose from death.
Somewhere, the evil wakes. Somewhere, an author is sued by Viz. Somewhere,
evil rested upon the Borg ship. It cut it off from the collective before
taking it over. Most of the Borg died, save for four bodies.... The
ship's internal structure reconfigured itself to look more unholy, more
evil..... if that was possible. One of the four Borg suddenly jerked, as if
someone had taken it over. In fact... someone did.
"Ahhhh... much better" said Jadeite. "7 weeks can give you such a
crick in the neck."
***************************************************************************
Serina: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng...... where are we?
[Serina looks around, and sees that she is directly on top of Sailor Mars
with Sailor Neptune. She thanks <fill in deity> that this isn't a lemon,
and the author isn't THAT sick. Ami starts to come to...and notices that
she's on the Enterprise-D bridge.]
Ami: Oh, man! I'm never mixing vodka, tequila, and Night Train agai-... oh,
this is REAL!? [Ami, as expected, was a ST:TNG fan]. This CAN'T be
happening! I need a drink!
Rei (waking up with Serina and <Neptune> on top of her):AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ami: Shit! Someone else is out of alcohol!
Luna: People.....
[Ami is trying to get the replicators to make alcohol, a blue Adidas
jacket, and a cigarette. Sailor Mars is chacing Sailor Moon and Sailor
Neptune around. Neptune is quickly becoming annoyed]
Luna: Excuse me...
[The rest of the Sailor Scouts start to wake up. Neptune starts to charge
for her attack. Sailor Moon starts to cry. The rest of the Sailor Scouts
rally around either Sailor Neptune or Sailor Mars. Sailor Mercury
is running around screaming "I need a drink!!!". Tuxedo Mask starts to
come to, whispering "Sailor....Jailbait....."]
Luna (firing 3 shots in the air with the BFG): SHADDUP!!!!!
[Everyone shuts up]
Luna: Thank you. Now, in case you are blind, we happen to be.... well,
not in Kansas.
Serina: Ummmm.... we never WERE in Kansas.
Luna: *Sigh*... you *HAVE* seen "The Wizard of Oz", right?
Serina: Is that anything like "The Wizard of Id"?
Luna: Why me? Why? Why!!!!? Anyway, first thing we need to do is establish
why we're here. Hopefully, if we fix it and we can get out of here.
Ami: Or we could end up leaping from life to life, setting right what
will go wrong, and hoping each time that the next leap will be the leap
home.
Luna: Have I heard that before?
Ami: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....no?
Luna: Ok... [she notices that Ami sighs and relaxes slightly] Anyway, I
thought that Ami might be able to let us know where we are. You seemed to
know what those cavities in the wall were there for.
Ami: We.... seem to be in a show called "Star Trek: The Next Generation",
so watch out for anime references. We are on the bridge of the starship
Enterprise NCC-1701-D, and we'd better get off of it quickly or have darn
good explanations.
Lita: Um... why do you say that?
Ami: The NCC-1701-D is the flagship of the Starfleet space fleet, and also
one of the most powerful ships in the Federation.
Darian: Ahhh, the Defiant could kick its ass.
Ami: Yes... if it were backed up with a space station!
Darian: Hey! Cheap shot! Anyway, Sisko RULES!!!
Ami: Does not!
Darian: Does too!
Ami: Does not!
Darian: Does too!
Serina: Darain.... I didn't know you watched that geeky space show.
[thinking] Besides, Picard could take Sisko.... even though the commander
is kinda cute...
Darain: Well... I was a closet trekkie.
Serina: Closet?
Rei: Like your father is a closet transvesti- AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[Everyone looks to Luna who is holding a smoking Moon BFG]
Artemis: Good shot, honey
Luna: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I told you not to call me that in pub-
[Luna stops as the turbolift opens and a nameless ensign steps out. He
doesn't seem to notice anything......... at first. He goes over to Serina]
Ensign: Is something wrong, sir?
Ami: [Thinking] Oh boy.
Luna: [Thinking] Oh SHIT!
****************************************************************************
Data: Does anyone here feel a draft?
Geordie: Yeah...... [Geordie looks to mirror, notices that he and
everybody else there has on sailor scout uniforms, save one person]
Myyyyyyyy....... what an ugly shade of blue. [Geordie notices
that the lips move in sync with what he's saying. He then starts to wave
his hands in front of him... he tweaks his nose, blinks his eyes, feels
his chest ('scuse me, are those breasts?), and then reached down to his
crotch. He takes a deep breath]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worf: Ow......
Deanna: Ow....
Data: Ow....
Q: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
[All turn to Q]
Deanna: Q! What have you done this time? Where are the captain and Riker?
Q: Y'know... I have no idea. I've tried contacting the continuum, but it
isn't working. Hmmm... I wonder if that new system we put in is as good as
the guy claims......
[Switch shot. We see 3 people who look surprisingly like Urd, Belldandy, and
Skuld bashing bugs that keep popping out of a huge screen with
"Yggdrasil 95" on it. Switch back.]
Q: Besides, don't you think that if *I* were controlling this that I
would at LEAST give myself a better body? Nothing wrong with this one,
but I really don't like the bodies of 23 year old men..... nice tux,
though.
Geordie: Auuuugh..... damn... that was scary! I'm better now. And Q, you
do have a point. So... who is controlling all of this?
Q: [shrug] I dunno. All I know is that I'm using my powers to get the
hell out of here. [Q first tries snapping his fingers to disappear in a
flash of light, then swishes his hand in front of a T.V. screen and
then tries to go through, head first] KLUNK [It doesn't work]
Data: It would appear that we are all in a parallel dimension... one
where very little of out former selves appear. While WE can see each
other as we really are, those around us can't. In fact, we take on the
appearance we do in the mirror. I don't know, but I think that we may
have some serious problems with the timing of all of this. We are in a
series called "Sailor Moon USA", a cheap DIC knock off of a real series.
Anyway.... I apparantly am Sailor Moon, aka Usagi.. or Serina, whatever.
You [Pointing to Q] are Tuxedo Mask, Geodie [looks at him] is Sailor
Mercury, Deanna is Sailor Mars, Worf is Sailor Jupiter... and, well,
that's all that's here. More people probably left the ship, and will
turn up later. I do hope that no "souls" are in flux, as that would mean
that their lives depend on our setting things right.
Worf: Not much of a plot.
Data: Did you ever see Tank Police Act 1?
Worf: Point taken.
Geordie: How do you know all of this?
Data: I read the script. It also said that because my emotions chip
wasn't strong enough to keep all of my personality, it will be mixing
in with my host's... like, major cool! Oh, and it says here I just have
to yell some words and I get super powers!
Geordie: Man, I hope this one ends soon....
Data: Yes, it, like, totally does. In 2 minutes
*************************************************************************
Picard: My goodness.... this is quite embarrassing. [He again looks at
himself in the mirror and is looking into the face to Sasami... or, Pretty
Sammy!]
Riker: You're one to talk. [Riker-ohki climbs up onto Picard's shoulder]
At least you aren't a damn cat!
Picard: Awwww.... you're cute, number one... and you more resemble a
rabbit.
Riker: A cat!
Picard: A bunny.
Riker: A cat!
Picard: A bunny!
[Fade out]
*****************************************************************************
[Swith to a shot of space. No Enterprise, nothing... just space. Voice
overs start.... well, what do you expect... faded faces in against the
space sky that eirily fade in and out? Hey, that would be kinda cool. The
faces are of Ryo-ohki and Sasami.]
Ryo-ohki: So it looks likes our souls are in "flux" as our bodies are in
use.
Sasami: Oh, man... we are so dead.
Ryo-Ohki: Don't worry, they are part of a federation! I'm sure that they
will go in with the same "Death or Glory" spirit that Mihoshi always fights
with!
Sasami: We are increadibly dead.
****************************************************************************
[Kick in El Hazard "next episode" BGM]
Data: In our next episode, the Sailor Scouts have to take command of the
Enterprise and lead it on a daring mission to survey a Borg ship near
DS9... if it can get there.
[Scene of Serina and Rei arguning over a 2-D AAA map, making directional
signals with their hands. Ami is hard pressed trying to remove "The Club"
from the navigational panel.]
And we try and find the secret of "Queen Beryl"!
[Picture of Beryl, with mosaic over her face]
And Alielle tries to sleep with anything resembling a fe-... hey wait, she
is not in this!
[Picture of Alielle trying to get a date with Minnie-May of GSC... and
Minnie-May is apparently considering it]
See you there!
It is the dream of those who had 6 slices of pizza before going to bed.
****************************************************************************
And now for the Sailor Says! Even though people say it's wrong, bashing
someone in the face is a great stress reliever. Sailor Sa- OWWWWW!!!!!!!
Dammit, Rei, come back here! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker!!!! Huh
huh huh.... cool.
****************************************************************************
Ok... if any of you are planning on killing me, wait your turn. I KNOW
I've pissed off a few SM fans in Charlotte, and they know where I live!
Anyway, the usual begging for comments, critiques (y'know... what you like
and don't), money, etc. Flames will make me wonder what kind of looser would
waste his time trying to diss a person across the internet.
PLEASE send comments! It.... it gets so lonely...... waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Part two will come out soon, as soon as I finish the final edits. Oh,
and be prepared for "Luna Letters!". But perhaps I said too much.
One last thing: Thank you to everyone on the ML! Without you... well,
this coulda happened, but it would have been a hell of a lot harder. And this
would probably suck. A big round of appluase for the fanfic ML at
fanfic@andrew.cais.com
