Well... Here's another of Rogan's little forays into insanity. THERE
IS *NO* VIZ-BASHING IN THIS ONE! (and there was much rejoicing...yay)
As always, comments can be sent to the author at:
hambyr@science.coker.edu
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-------------- Enclosure number 1 ----------------
Greetings,
This is my first attempt at a fan fiction so it might suck but
I hope it has a few redeeming features. My closest attempt to fan
fiction was The Substitute Judge of Darkness which was mostly a
spoof.
This is a Ranma 1/2 - Groo the Wanderer crossover. I don't
know how many people out there are familiar with Groo but I hope
that it will not detract from enjoyment of the story. I don't know
who owns the various copyrights and trademarks for the various
characters used here but Sergio Aragones created Groo the Wanderer,
Abra, Kadabra, Gravito, & Rufferto; Ranma, Akane, Kuno, Kodachi,
Shampoo, Cologne, Sasuke, Nabiki, Kasumi, Soun, & Genma were
created by Rumiko Takahashi and Beauregard the demon was created by
Piers Anthony. Any other references to trademarked and / or
copyrighted people / places / things will be up to the reader to
identify.
This story takes place shortly after the Marvel / Epic story
(issues 34 - 36) where Groo obtained the amulet that turned thought
into reality. In the Ranma universe it happened sometime.
Precisely when is unimportant.
To those who don't like the story structure, I was attempting
to avoid traditional rising action / climax / resolution plots and
make it more "Grooish". To those who think it just plain sucks,
well it probably does.
In other words - "WRITE ME MAIL ... WWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHH"
- rogan hamby
hambyr@science.coker.edu
broken mirror productions
p.s. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get this
done.
Azusa : Oh, its sooo KAWAIiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Malkav : Let go! That's My Computer!
Azusa : No! It's Jean-Paul-Le-Pontiac-Verman-LeSarte
Malkav : [to himself] Geezzzz..... she's running out of names.
[the tug of war ensues]
Azusa : Let Go!
[she hits him over the head with a kawaii bunny rabbit stuffed with
lead]
Malkav : Ouch! You Stupid Bitch! Let go, or
Azusa : Or What?
[grinning]
Malkav : Or I'll paint your house in a mauve-green-black color and
hire a four hundred pound man to sit outside your room singing
really bad 1960's British love songs to you.
Azusa : [in terror] AHH!!!!!!!! [she runs away]
[sitting down with his CPU and looking really tired]
Malkav : Why didn't I decide to write a KOR fic? Or even
Gunbuster.... I wonder if Noriko is still... hmm....
[we exit as Malkav's hentai thoughts begin circulating about that
really long trip back to earth at the end of Gunbuster]
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Groo .00001/2 : Like Seeking Like
Prelude One.
A majestic forest opens up to find part of a sword blade
sticking out of deep foliage and vines. With a grunt it swings and
the branches get hacked off to provide an opening for someone who
might only be majestic if deformed jesters have a king. He is
shorter than average and somewhere near early middle age with
straight black hair that looks like its only been bathed by
occasionally falling into ponds and his yellow clothing isn't much
better. He's slightly fat with a nose he can barely see over. The
only two clean things are his two katanas strapped to his back and
his companion, a dog with black spots.
They stop to look at the surroundings. They look with the
eyes that have been to a thousand lands and ten thousand such
forests - eyes that should be searching for fine details that might
tell them if they had been here before. And if you looked closely
in the man's eyes you might see a look similar to Ryoga's eyes -
the look that let you know that he wouldn't know if he was in his
own backyard. This man, however, had no backyard - he is a
wanderer. Eventually Groo decides that he has no idea where he is.
The forest isn't burned down and there are no ruins of towns
visible so he can't tell if he has been here before or not.
Groo, for a moment, wonders where he is and considers the
possibility that he is lost but decides that he can't be lost
because you are only lost if you don't know where you are and Groo
knows that he is here. Groo simply doesn't know where he is going
but that can't be considered lost. Proud of what must be his great
sense of direction that had kept he and his companion from getting
lost Groo takes a moment to stand in what would have been in any
one else contemplation.
Groo : hmmmm..... East? West? North? Northwest? Northeast?
Eastwest maybe.... Rufferto, where shall we go?
Rufferto : <At last! My brilliant master Groo has given me a
chance to prove my navigational skills.>
With eyes filled with deep pride the spotted dog sets off to
the South with Groo behind him, who was absently wondering how bark
would taste boiled if they didn't find a town soon. As he recalled
ants tasted decent but then he was a lot smaller then ... or were
they a lot bigger ... oh well ...
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Prelude Two.
[The scene opens upon a modest mansion in which is a luxurious
bedroom with wooden bokkens and pictures of two girls, one brunette
and one red headed, covering the walls around a large silk canopied
bed. A short man in black stands at the edge of the bed.]
Sasuke : Master Kuno! Wake up! You must get ready for school.
[Kuno looks bewildered for a minute and then looks at Sasuke with
some dim light coming on behind his eyes]
Kuno : uhh. Ah! It is my faithful dwarf, Sasuke, come to awaken
the lord of the east to meet the rising sun!
[Kuno stands up and get dressed, looking out the window.]
Kuno : Truly the gods must favor me for being such a proud child.
Those that gave birth to the islands must look down upon me as
a favored child indeed to send the sun itself with its
bountiful rays as kisses upon my most handsome of visages to
greet me and bid me awaken so that it may feast upon me as I
feast upon it! If only the beautiful pig tailed girl could be
here with me. Ah, this must be an auspicious sign to show
that the gods will favor me today to destroy that sorcerer
Saotome [lightning crackles in the distance]! Ha Ha Ha Ha . .
[As his laughter trails off Kuno walks off to the bathroom and
Sasuke contemplates how that laughter is not so unlike Mistress
Kodachi's.]
Sasuke : Great, all I need for the psychopath to join her in the
ranks of the sociopaths. <grumble, gripe, bitch, moan>
[from the bathroom]
Kuno : What was that servant of The Beloved?
Sasuke : Oh, nothing master! <snivel, grovel>
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter One - "By The Pricking Of My Thumbs ... "
[The scene fades in on a wooded glen with two warthogs that look
partially burned, sliced, broiled and mulched walking through it.
One is slim and looks fairly young while the other is large in size
and is wearing a crooked cap with a broken point at the top.
Neither seem to be in good moods.]
Warthog 1 : It is your fault!
Warthog 2 : Is not!
Warthog 1 : Is so!
Warthog 2 : Is not!
Warthog 1 : If you hadn't dumped Gravito into the alligator pit he
wouldn't have stripped us of our powers. AGAIN!
Warthog 2 : Oh, yeah! As if he wasn't pissed enough after you
turned him into both a duck and a baboon, in that order.
Warthog 1 : Don't try to lay this on me! I very clearly remember
that it was YOU who turned him into the baboon! That was what
_really_ pissed him off.
Warthog 2 : And who was it who turned him back into a human AND let
Groo get the amulet!?! HUH?!?
Warthog 1 : [stonefaced] You.
Warthog 2 : [looking confused] huh? [melancholy] oh, yeah. I
forgot.
[For a moment silence bears down on the two sojourning warthogs
until its broken by a pleasant giggling that from a warthog sounds
like some kind of intestinal problem.]
Warthog 1 : -=- giggle -=-
Warthog 2 : WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?!?! We have no powers,
Gravito is pissed (we are only alive because he wants a
chance to make the entirety of our lives miserable) and Groo
did it to us AGAIN! What is there to laugh at?
Warthog 1 : Oh, I was just imagining Gravito as the duck ... he
looked really silly as a duck with a thin beard and that
stupid hat of his ...
[In a hoarse sound the warthog suddenly begins to laugh, unable to
hold in the mirth. Suddenly the other warthog begins to smile,
apparently the misery of another creature lightening her mood.]
Warthog 2 : Yes, daughter . . . though I still think that turning
him into a fake Groo was the best idea of all . . .
Warthog 1 : [under her breath] Which someone deactivated, oh,
stupid mother of mine.
Warthog 2 : What was that?
Warthog 1 : [quickly] oh, nothing, nothing, nothing [looking for
a save] just thinking that this is all Groo's fault . . .
Warthog 2 : [deadly serious] Yes. And I've been thinking about
that.
[Suddenly the two Warthogs come to a small opening in a rock face
in the middle of the forest. Walking through the open door they
approach a sealed cabinet.]
Warthog 2 : I have no more magic daughter but there is a little
stored within an old gem here, just enough for three small
tricks. One of Curing, one of Information and one of Revenge.
Warthog 1 : [grinning as much as a warthog can grin] Gravito?
[slurring out the "Gravito" and visibly salivating]
Warthog 2 : No. Our nemesis. Groo.
Warthog 1 : [now jumping up and down and looking downright giddy]
Boiled? Mulched? Lets do everything to him Gravito did to
us! No, no, let's do more! [the warthog's eyes dilute,
staring out into space] . . . suspended over a thousand cursed
pits, each one holding a different sauce we dump him in each,
almost drowning him and then leave in a forest without water
to bath and ten thousand ant hills ..... no, no, that just
won't do ........ what would be CRUEL? [she looks thoughtful]
Warthog 2 : [also looking thoughtful but then turning grim] No,
no. Tempting but no. We just get rid of him daughter.
Every time we encounter Groo we are destroyed. This time we
send him far, far away, where he can't cause us to get
mulched again.
[Slowly the second warthog opens the cabinet doors, which is not an
easy task for someone with no opposable thumbs or even hands to
speak of, and pulls out a small blue gem and starts to rub her
snout against it.]
Warthog 2 : Now follow my lead daughter and rub your nose ... er,
snout ... against it [she does so] and activate the gem's
healing properties with your name . . . but don't screw UP!
It can only do it once.
Warthog 1 : [to herself] like I can't activate a simple imbedded
spell old crow [aloud] Gem, I command thee to heal me - ABRA!
[in her place is now a very _bountiful_ young woman with jet black
hair in a very skimpy blue dress with high thigh cuts and a hat
that seems to be a bat motif]
Warthog 2 : Gem, I command thee to heal me - KADABRA!
[now in the second warthog's place is a dumpy old woman with warts
and a long nose that became all the rage for witches after she
posed for the cover of their national convention magazine last
year, and she still has the broken hat upon her head she had as a
warthog]
Kadabra : OK, daughter?
Abra : I'm fine. Let's do it.
Kadabra : [smiling, as if she had a small furry animal strangling
in her hands] Good. It is time - For The End Of Groo!
[a pair of strangled maniacal laughs echo off into the woods and
all small furry animal mothers instinctively hide their young away]
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter Two - "Something Stupid This Way Comes"
[We zip ahead to a few hours later where a pentagram has been drawn
into the floor and the bathed Abra and Kadabra are finishing
preparations for what is obviously a conjuring. We enter in the
midst of a conversation between the two irate witches.]
[sarcasm evident in her tone]
Abra : But if we don't have any magic powers left how can we summon
a demon, mother?
[even more sarcasm and impatient with her daughter]
Kadabra : Because [drawing out the s sound] IF you had been
listening earlier you would have known that the gem has the
power in it for a spell of knowledge and if you hadn't
_failed_ Demonology 203 three semesters straight you would
know that a concept associated demon, such as information, can
be summoned by a concept oriented general purpose spell.
Abra : [a little annoyed at the jib at her] Well, at least I
passed it eventually. I also seem to remember a certain Ms.
Crabbottom who asked if I was any relation to you and recalled
a certain occasion in your _own_ high school years (50,000 BC
wasn't it?) when someone finally passed Algebra 101 after two
semesters with a VERY questionable 70.
[ignoring the attack]
Kadabra : I still passed it in two semester didn't I? Now, enough
chattering girl and get on the other side of the circle now.
[Kadabra places the gem from earlier in the middle of the pentagram
and begins an incantation while Abra does some weird things with
her hands on the other side. No hentai comments please, just
because she has a dress split up to her <> doesn't mean I'm
implying anything <g>.]
Kadabra : Demon Beauregard, liege of the College of Meta Infernal
Studies, subject of X(A/N)TH. I summon ye!
[Smoke began to form in the midst of the pentagram and a very
slight built, red skinned man with no hair, tiny horns and glasses
began forming in the midst of the pentagram. At the same time Abra
lent over to Kadabra.]
Abra : [whispering] Don't you need a compact or something to hold
him?
[now fully formed]
Beauregard : That's only an amusement we use for the stupid. It
lets people feel comfortable around us. A rather nice tool
for the unscrupulous. [bowing] Good day old crone and
daughter of old crone. [he looks around] I see you are still
interested in this bat motif thing. [looking at Abra] And I
see your pectorals are still as healthy as your [looks at
Kadabra] ... warts. [he grins to himself]
[a little impatient and a lot fuming]
Kadabra : Are you finished insulting us, Beauregard? The
agreements of the summoning only go so far you know?
Beauregard : Yes, I do know. I also know the only quasi-mystic
power you have left is to curdle water with your visage. That
is why you summoned me, eh? My knowledge. But to answer your
first question, yes, I am content with the amusements I have
so far provided myself with at your expense.
Kadabra : So you know why we summoned you?
Beauregard : I know that you want wish revenge on some wanderer.
But I do not understand why you summoned myself. You hardly
need me to craft some lightning bolt spell or such to strike
him down with.
Kadabra : No, I don't want to kill him. Well, yeah, I do but I'm
afraid that I can't. Every time I try to destroy Groo he
escapes. He's been hit by lightning, drowned, filled with
arrows, shot from catapults, and everything else. Its like
he can't die! I just want him far, far away, in another land
where he can't ever bother us again and get yet another wizard
pissed at us.
Beauregard : hmmm.... A research problem - the place to send him
eh? Not too hard. [he makes a sign with one hand and a large
compendium appears in one hand] I'll have to do some research
on him first though. I'll just look him up in the Compendium
of Sentient Creatures Through The Omniverse.
[interrupting him]
Kadabra : uh. He may not be in there. He's pretty stupid.
Beauregard : [peering down at her from his bifocals] I'll have you
know that despite its relatively slender size this volume is
a demon work and infinite in size, containing everything in
the omniverse with at least the intelligence of a platypus.
Abra : [to herself] Damn! That's what I forgot to turn Gravito
into before! A platypus. I knew I should have written it
down.
[Beauregard keeps looking through the volume and slowly a look of
disbelief begins spreading over his face]
Beauregard : He's Not In Here! "Groo" right? G-R-O-O?
[Kadabra nods and he flips back through the pages at inhuman speed]
Kadabra : [smugly] I told you so.
[Beauregard begins to look irate and apparently is taking this as
a personal challenge to his skills. He throws the book over his
shoulder and it disappears in smoke as a new one comes into his
hands.]
Beauregard : Very well. I shall use the compendium of Homo
Sapiens, its a much smaller volume and its impossible for it
to have an accidental omission as apparently has happened with
the other. I shall have to talk to its author.
[Beauregard begins looking and begins to go from his temporary calm
to irateness again.]
Beauregard : WHAT!
Abra : [leaning over to her mother] Now, this is interesting!
Kadabra : [getting a little bored] Not really. I figured Groo had
to be some type of evolutionary throw back.
[Yet another new volume appearing in his hands Beauregard begins to
get that determined Dirty Harry look in his eyes as he stares out
into space.]
Beauregard : Compendium of Mammals, 11,458,652,537th edition
Update. Let's see.
[After several minutes of looking Beauregard's face is shifting
every few seconds between looking really pissed off and wanting to
cry while Abra and Kadabra face fault.]
Abra : I don't believe this! Did you figure _this_ too?
Kadabra : uh.... [for once at a loss for words] uh.... [finally
managing something] uhhh... no. I knew Groo was low on the
evolutionary scale but I assumed he was at least warm blooded.
[now looking at them quite angrily]
Beauregard : Is this some kind of joke, witches? I don't find it
amusing if so.
[looking quite scared]
Abra & Kadabra : No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Beauregard : Very well. I didn't think you were quite so foolish
as that anyway. But still this is quite a mystery. A record
of this mortal must exist somewhere. hmmm... that's it? I've
been operating under the basic premise that this Groo is a
mortal but the only information I have to this fact is you two
who are not the most perfect sources of information anyway.
If the basic premise is wrong ....
[Beauregard begins to look down right giddy at the chance of
solving this mystery while Abra and Kadabra stare alternately at
each other and Beauregard. They don't know what to think of this
line of reasoning.]
Beauregard : This may be more interesting than I originally
thought. [he summons another volume] Now, the Biographical
Encyclopedia of Earth Dimensional Elementals. Perfect.
hmmm... Morobishi Ataru, nope too far, Holland Alex, no,
Happosai, a bit further back [he grabs a few more pages and
scans up and down a column and looks] AHA! Here it is - Groo
the Wanderer.
[finally finding her voice in the midst of disbelief at this
development]
Abra : You mean to tell us Groo is an ELEMENTAL! Come on! You
don't expect us to believe THAT do you!?!?
Beauregard : [icily] I don't expect _you_ to believe anything
human. Let us remember who asked whom for help, shall we? If
you want a convenient answer you should have summoned a
deception spirit.
Kadabra : [her eyes have glazed over and she looks about ready to
crack, she is babbling in a distracted fashion] ... it
explains so much ... of course he's an elemental, of course,
of course ... I'm the Prince of Manchester ... of course, so
obvious now ... I could really use some cheese dip ...
Abra : [trying to ignore her mother] Aren't elementals tied to the
wind and sea and stuff? Don't they have to die and be reborn
in flame or something?
Beauregard : Your basic statements are accurate but your premise is
wrong. [looks amused at the lesser creature] There are more
elementals than those of the living forces. There are also
the elementals of the aspects of life. The macro forces are
personified by things that are dually abstract and
anthropomorphic entities. These are those that must not stop
being and thus are known as the endless. If any one of them
stopped for but a second the very nature of existence as we
know it would cease and a new would begin. There are lesser
aspects to these that control given regions for times - these
are incarnations. Then there are elementals. The physical
elementals exist beyond life - life itself can exist in the
abstract and thus doesn't need the physical elements and so
when the universe seeks out a connection with the determining
life in a region (presently it is humans, once it was cats) it
must develop a template for the new type of life. That is the
process of death observed normally. But then there are
elementals of concepts created by the life in that region,
these can be born as that life form. In the case of humanity,
or Groo in specific, [he looks down at his book] these appear
to be chaos and stupidity as well as associations with
destruction and minor affinities for others.
Abra : Hold on. Isn't chaos a macro concept, beyond humanity?
Beauregard : No. Randomness is universal, chaos is a concept
unique to lesser species such as yourself.
[Abra hangs her head in disgust at the entire thing, not sure if
she should believe it or not.]
Kadabra : [who is coming back to sanity] So, that's it. That's
why we always had such problems. Of course.
Beauregard : It would seem so.
Kadabra : [her eyes narrowing] So, demon of information. How do
we do it? How do we get rid of an elemental of chaos?
Beauregard : hmm... An interesting challenge. They are always hard
to affect. But, there might just be a way. Normally to
teleport someone you are doing the equivalent of pushing them
to a given spot but due to the very nature of an elemental
trying to teleport them against their will over any more than
a few thousand spacial miles is risky. Their natural inertia
is likely to resist the spell. So you need to set up an
arcane connection between Groo and some place and set off the
spell at that other place, thus "pulling" Groo there. I would
explain the process in more specific tales but it involves a
lot of Calculus and I very seriously doubt you could even
understand Algebra.
Abra : But what good is that? To set up an arcane connection
the person has to have some affinity for that place right?
Groo is ... well, Groo - just about every place he's been is
destroyed now. We need to send him someplace so far away that
he could never return here.
Beauregard : [interrupting her] and that precludes him being sent
somewhere he has already been. No problem, we shall find him
an affinity for a person instead or thing instead. [snaps his
fingers an a book appears in his hands again] We shall look
through the humans volume again. [he flips through to a blank
page] Give me everyone who is as stupid as Groo. [seventeen
names appear, Abra and Kadabra look a little sick] Eliminate
all females [eleven names are left] Give me those who cause
mindless destruction. [four names are left and Beauregard
begins looking up each and studying their information]
[While Beauregard is doing this Abra and Kadabra are busy arguing
over a guest list for a party once they get rid of Groo.]
Abra : OK, the Minstrel is in and so is Grooela.
Kadabra : Yeah, she always has those great stories of Groo.
Abra : What about the Great Wizard.
Kadabra : No, I think he still wants to boil us alive. I'm pretty
sure. It gets hard to remember some time. [looking
thoughtful]
Abra : [in disgust] So Gravito and the Wizard are out. Hey, how
about Sage?
Beauregard : Ahem, ladies.
Kadabra : Nah, once the Sage gets a few drinks in him he starts
telling these really stupid stories about growing little
trees.
[apparently not in the habit of being ignored]
Beauregard : -=-AHEM-=- ladies!
[with black faces and sizzled hair that looks like they were either
just in a blast zone or tried to eat Akane's cooking]
Kadabra : huh?
Abra : I think I'm deaf.
[now back to normal]
Abra & Kadabra : You didn't have to be so LOUD!
Beauregard : Yes, I did. But if you don't want to know how to get
rid of Groo I can just leave. [he sticks his nose up]
Kadabra : No, Beauregard, we didn't mean to be mean, we are sooooo
sorrry. [Kadabra tries to be as kawaii as possible and it
just isn't working]
Abra : Would you like some bat wing soup Beauy <wink, wink>?
[Abra makes the attempt to be kawaii also and it appears she is
having much more success as the scholar demon's gaze is drawn to
her pectoral muscles.]
Beauregard : Ah, well. [he cleans off his steamed bi-focals]
Getting back to the matter at hand. I found one perfect for
drawing Groo. He is equally stupid, differing only in that he
is too self centered to cause the same destruction as Groo but
he is mindless, obsessive, male, his sister doesn't like him
and he's into playing with swords. And best of all he is in
another dimension.
[Abra and Kadabra are now dancing in a circle together with party
hats on top of their normal ones and throwing ribbons everywhere.]
Beauregard : Oh, apparently they don't use dairy products normally
in this land either. Don't know why the book would consider
that important though.
[Abra and Kadabra look at each other]
Abra and Kadabra : NO CHEESEDIP!
Abra : He won't have any cheesedip there!
Kadabra : Oh, this just gets better and better, I think I may cry.
[they both pull out noise makers and a cake with a big iced bat on
it as well]
Beauregard : So all we have to do is weave a spell of sending and
power it.
Abra : [leaning into the demon and kissing him on the chin] You'll
help us with that won't you? [she gives him puppy eyes]
[Beauregard looks entranced]
Kadabra : [picking up the blue gem] And we have just enough power
for it.
[in the background Beauregard is cutting a piece of the cake]
[fade out]
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter Three - Like Seeking Like
"Light seeking Light, doth Light beguile"
- (or something like that) Kunou, Like Water For Ranma
[The scene fades into the school grounds of Furinikan High School.
It is a pleasant spring day and the students are spread out,
consuming their lunches and talking. Akane and Ranma are sitting
under a tree with their lunches and the area is suspiciously devoid
of other students, like an area cleared for a blast radius.]
Akane : The least you can do is try it!
Ranma : [mockingly] Yeah, and the least I can do is die from it.
You know, as much as I don't like school this is one reason I
don't want to get sent home for.
Akane : BAKA!
[Kuno approaches]
Kuno : Ah! It is the voice of a goddess that draws me in like some
forbidden elixir of delight. Tendo Akane! I come bringing my
declarations of love to you once again.
[not happy at seeing Kuno]
Ranma : What do you want upperclassman?
Kuno : How do you dare approach me in that insolent voice, worm!
Do you wish that I should teach you a lesson!
Ranma : [taking a fighting stance] OK. After I beat you senseless
will you just leave Akane alone?
Kuno : You are fortunate Saotome that I have a competition
tomorrow night and that I am reserving my strength. To use
even the small portion that it would take to thrash you would
be a violation of the sanctity the Kempo team imbues me with.
Ranma : [a little disappointed and sitting back down] Yeah, right.
Kuno : [to Akane] Lovely angel, I fear that today is not that day
that I free you from this base wretch but that day shall soon
come [he strikes a melodramatic pose] and I Kuno Tatewaki, the
Shattering Lightning of Furinikan High Promise it.
[behind a tree]
Nabiki : [to herself] hmmm.... Shattering Lightning. I thought
he'd keep Rolling Thunder Across Heaven for at least another
week. Oh well, that was only 300 yen to Daisuke. I'll make
that up by jacking up the price of the pictures to Kuno this
week.
[back to the three stooges]
[Akane who had been getting angry is a little taken aback as Kuno
grabs her hands. She abruptly pulls away and slaps him, much to
Ranma's delight.]
Akane : I don't need your -=-help-=- Kuno. Ranma and I are
enjoying this lunch I made just fine between ourselves.
Kuno : Am I to understand that this sumptuous meal [we pan to see
some plasmic black masses slowly developing sentience in
bowls, even as we speak, on the picnic cloth] was prepared by
you?!
Kuno : [looking at the sky] Oh, how the gods have blessed me with
this opportunity today! [to Akane] Please, [looking pathetic]
allow me, an unworthy mortal shell, to betake of this feast.
Akane : [partially to spite Ranma and partially happy to have
someone enjoy her cooking] Sure, Kuno!
Ranma : [jumping forward] No, Kuno! Don't! Not even you deserve
this!
Nabiki : [still behind the tree and on a cellular phone] OK, you
guys got the stomach pump ready? Great. Invoice all ready?
Kuno : Silence, heathen! You shall not stop me from tasting this
food, which shall be like tasting the lips of the goddess whom
made it.
[Arrogantly Kuno closes his eyes and takes a bite.]
Ranma : [to himself] Man, this is worse than anything I would have
done to him.
[Kuno is now turning green and some smoke like substance is coming
from his ears as mucous begins leaking from his nose.]
Akane : [worried] Kuno!
Kuno : [slowly] F e a r not ....................... fair maid
... en. [turning to a lighter shade of blue] I shall arise!
[Kuno jumps up triumphantly and promptly falls back down. About
ten minutes later Kuno is (more or less) back to his normal skin
tone and coherent (at least as much as he ever is). The paramedics
have just left after taking all the money out of his wallet and
marking that off the invoice which they stick in his gi.]
Ranma : [a little concerned] Come on, Akane's cooking didn't kill
you did it!
[For once Akane doesn't hit him as she was thinking the same thing
though she'd never admit it.]
Kuno : Ah, so sweet the memory. A food so inspiring that it hath
over ridden my poor brain with its fragrance. [crying] It is
the fault of my mundane palate that I can not taste of the
food of the gods and understand it. oh, the humility, is this
my curse to keep me humble to remind the most favored son of
the heavens that even he can not be perfect.....
Ranma : [to himself] Not like over-riding your brain is hard ....
Akane : [to Kuno] Oh, do you mean it! [to Ranma] Baka.
[As the delayed reaction insult and follow up fist hit Ranma in the
face he falls down at Kuno's feet.]
Kuno : Ah, yes. I shall allow you to worship at my feet. Grovel
well and perhaps I will forgive your transgressions today.
Ranma : [now thoroughly angry] OK, that's it.
Kuno : You wish to fight the glorious Kuno Tatewaki. How amusing.
[pulls out his bokken] Fortunately for your education Akane's
food has given me the strength of a thousand men and I can now
spare a little for your rightly earned thrashing.
Ranma : [to himself] More like it gave you brain damage.
[As the fight ensues Ranma is busy dodging Kuno's swings and
stretching himself while Nabiki takes bets and about half the
students gather to watch as the other half, bored, wander off.]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Interlude
The scene is a seemingly endless ocean of grass and scrubland
wherein Groo and his loyal canine companion Rufferto are walking.
The sea of grass is silent with no winds, as are two wanderers and
silence is well suited to a man who only knows about fifty words.
The sun is beating down mercilessly but their bellies are full of
beef and no one is chasing them with torches and pitchforks (yet,
but just wait until the farmer can't find his cow) and so it is a
good day.
Suddenly Groo is gone. If anyone else had been there they would
have been amazed. Then they would promptly have organized a
national holiday and gotten really smashed. Within seconds
Rufferto disappears as well and somewhere a demon and two witches
were wondering why the dog disappeared. That, of course, was their
last coherent thought as the wine they had already consumed began
to kick in.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We return to the grounds of Furinikan High School where Kuno
and Ranma are "enjoying" their exercise. Ranma is still jumping
around while Kuno cuts apart the landscape. Kuno is doing fairly
well, which is to say that Ranma hasn't put him in any type of body
cast yet and Ranma is starting to get worried. Its been five
minutes so far and Kuno has been fighting like a man possessed -
although unable to hit Ranma, nor has Ranma had any opportunity to
get in close to Kuno. Probably a delirious side effect of Akane's
cooking Ranma muses.
[Behind the few students still watching the conflict a pudgy man in
a yellow smock suddenly appears.]
Groo : HUH!?!
[As much as Groo is used to not knowing where he is, he usually at
least sees himself arriving wherever it is he doesn't know where
there is (meaning of course that he can't be lost) but now he
doesn't have any idea where he is. Groo has been teleported before
and if he thought about it he would probably realize that magic was
involved but that is based on the premise that Groo would think
about something. Instead he spies Ranma and Kuno fighting. The
response is predictable.]
Groo : A FRAY!
[Groo has little trouble deciding what side of the battle to join,
he sees an unarmed man fighting an armed one so he attacks the
armed man. This isn't out of any particular honor, its simply just
not much fun to attack a defenseless man.]
[Kuno's eyes bulge as Groo rushes as him. Groo swings his blades
wide and it is taking all of Kuno's speed to deflect the weapons
with his bokken. Ranma is taking a well deserved rest beneath a
tree.]
Akane : [to Ranma] What are you doing!?!
Ranma : Resting.
Akane : Aren't you going to do SOMETHING?
Ranma : Like what? This is Kuno's fight. I don't even know the
guy.
[We pan to a close up of Kuno's sweating face.]
Kuno : Saotome, what sorcery is this! How dare you summon some
demon to satisfy your cowardice. Face the wrath of god!
[At the mention of sorcery some little pain in Groo's head starts
forming. At first impression it might be a thought but its
probably just the bug that just crawled in his ear. Kuno summons
some inner strength to strike at Groo but Groo is unimpressed and
switches his slashing movements to instead disarm Kuno, only to
find the bokken shattering at the impact. Groo stops.]
Groo : [to himself, too stunned to do anything (not an uncommon
occurrence] A wooden sword! And they say I'm stupid.
Kuno : Oh, I have been cheated of my vengeance yet again! How
cruel art the fates to strike at me, the favored son of the
heavens, simply for rivaling the gods in my purity!
[A halo begins forming around Kuno and Nabiki is making gagging
sounds in the background.]
Akane : [to Groo] Uh, excuse me. But who are you?
Kuno : [on his knees in a seppukku - like pose] Yes. I must know
who it was that bested the great Kuno Tatewaki.
[As Kuno screams his name lightning goes off in the background.]
Nabiki : [to herself] The weather bureau must hate it when he does
that.
Groo : uh.....
[He scratches his head, disturbing the nests of several still
hatching larvae.]
Groo : hmmm.... who am I? I'm the Prince of Manchester? No,
that's not it. hmmmmm Antskull? Warthog face? No, I'm
pretty sure those are just nicknames.... Prince of Manchester,
no. Groo! That it.
Ranma : Bless you.
Akane : [staring at Ranma] I think that's his name.
Ranma : Are you sure? In fact is he sure?
[They all look at Groo.]
Kuno : Is your name "Groo," warrior?
Groo : Uh, yeah.
Kuno : What a .... humble name.
Kuno : Tell me, where from art doth though come?
Groo : Hm? I'm a wanderer. I wander. That's to say I don't stay
in one place long. [to himself] Or is that the places I stay
don't stay long? I keep forgetting what the Sage told me.
Kuno : Ah! A wandering master who has given up all worldly things
to master his skills. You are obviously a great Samauri to
have beaten the champion of Furinikan High!
[A light beam falls over Kuno like a halo and interrupting his
speech. We pan to the side to see Nabiki there with a spotlight.
Kuno glares at her. Here the omniscient narrator focuses the
screen to show a shadowy figure watching from behind a tree,
carrying a package. Then we return.]
Akane : [to Groo] How long are you staying here? Do you have a
place to stay?
[Before Groo is placed with the troublesome situation of having to
grasp an alien concept (namely any concept) Kuno interjects.]
Kuno : Ah, but obviously the great warrior shall stay with his own,
as one Samauri to another I grant the infinite hospitality of
the Kuno family to this noble one.
[In the background Ranma is joining Nabiki in a Kabuki theater
retelling of Kuno being dropped on his head a lot as a baby by his
mother. The students are dropping change into a hat in front of
them, Akane is ignoring them, while Groo and Kuno manage to miss
the whole thing entirely.]
[The scene, mercifully, fades out.]
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter Four - Into the Spider's Web
[We now see Kuno walking through the streets of Nerima with Groo
beside him.]
Kuno: You will greatly enjoy the hospitality of the Kuno household,
good and noble friend. Your house, Groo, that is not one I
have heard of before. From where do you hail?
Groo: Huh? Um... I used to live in a castle ... one in Kalbia, no
I wrecked that one, hmmm... how about Grooela's castle?
hmmm... no, I burned it down. Strange, the Sage told me that
stone couldn't burn....
Kuno: Ah! A houseless warrior, undoubtly one of the many noble
families who lost their fortunes long ago when the evil
zaibatsu took the land away from those of the bushido. Not
all were blessed by the love of Heaven as much as the Kuno
family was.... I regret the loss of your castle, you of the
noble class but tonight at least you will live according to
your birthright.
[Kuno is now looking to the sky as tears cross his cheeks. At the
same time Groo doesn't seem to have quite been following him....]
Groo: .... unless I lost it. I'm pretty sure I couldn't lose a
house. Though there was that time I lost that city. But how
was I to know that an island could sink like that ... they
should have told me that it was an artificial island. Whoever
heard of a floating island, built on wood...
[Here we have the benefit of seeing what both our insipid heroes
miss. A shadowy figure is following them at a distance, around the
corners. In the intervening half hour the bodies of both wandering
minds arrive at the Kuno mansion and enter. As they enter Kuno
places his bokken on a rack beside the door and walks into the
house, carefully looking into each room as he walks through. At
last he seems satisfied.]
Kuno: Ah, surely it is good that both of us have the talents of
stealth that the fates grant to the wise and witted but it is
no great matter for the witch is gone from the abode.
a sweet voice with venom dropping from it : Oh, brother dear.
[We now see the scantily clad Kodachi standing outside the window
that she has jumped in. Kodachi stands in front of the surprised
Kuno who is visibly sweating. In the mean time Groo has been
busily looking every where at the mention of witches.]
Kodachi: Now brother dear, bringing home strays are we? hmmm....?
[The curiosity and amusement in Kodachi's voice finally seems to
snap Kuno out of his fear of being slashed / smashed / gassed since
she seemed more interested in Groo right now while she looks at him
very much like one would to determine the suitability of a guinea
pig.]
Kuno: A Stray! You speak as if this were some animal and not the
brethren to the noble son of the rising east, a guest we of
the noble house of Kuno should be honored to host! The great
samurai Groo!
[A smug look covers Kuno's face as he crosses his arms and waits
for Kodachi to be suitably impressed. While he is waiting a sound
emits much like a spanked dog.]
Groo: Ouch! That hurt, not a lot mind you. Not like being mulched
or boiled but hurt anyway.
Kodachi: Never lay your hands on mine again!
[Kuno opens his eyes to find Groo rubbing his head and Kodachi
standing there with a ribbon. Apparently Groo was still looking
for the witch when he tried to pick Kodachi up to look under her.]
Groo: [apparently now painfully aware that Kodachi isn't furniture]
Hmm... [scratches his chin] are you the witch? You don't look
much like a witch.
Kodachi: HAH HAH HAH [you all know the Kodachi Laugh <tm>] You
amuse me pauper. Perhaps you might be more amusing alive than
as plant food. Oh! Thanks for reminding me about the witch
comment.
[Insert really big WHACK sound as Kodachi wallops her brother with
a metal rod that appeared from nowhere.]
Kodachi: [leaving the room] Take care of the mendicant, would you
Sasuke? And give him a bath before dinner....
[For the first time we see Sasuke, quietly standing in a corner.
Kodachi leaves the room laughing softly and throughout the
mansion's estates young furry animals are hidden by their mothers
and she takes the effort to step on her prone brother as she
leaves. Throughout this time Groo has been trying to remember what
mendicant means.]
Groo: I remember being angry when I hear that. I should be
insulted. I think, maybe. Do I know what it means? I think
I do. I should. I'll have to ask someone. Wait a minute!
She called me a mendicant didn't she! No one calls me a
mendicant and lives! [stomach growl] Hmmm... maybe after
I get something to eat.
[We skip ahead some hours to find Groo sitting at a low table
wearing a badly shifting kimono. Also sitting are Tatewaki,
Kodachi and the father. The room is a traditional Japanese setting
except that the screens have palm trees and coconuts on them and
the father is in an Hawaiian tee shirt.]
The Father: [to Groo] Aloha!
Kuno: Yes, the family home extends to your our greatest and most
humble appreciations for your presence.
[Sasuke appears with half split coconuts to drink from. Kodachi
and Tatewaki both face fault and fall away from the table as a
giant cooked pig is dropped onto the table, flattening it. Only
Groo and The Principal (father) seem unsurprised at this and dig in
together. By the time the siblings recover only bones are left and
all proceed to deserts. During all of the dinner Kodachi is
strangely silent.]
Kodachi: [to herself] hmmm.... there might be more to this stranger
than I initially suspected. With that digestion rate and body
mass I could test some of my _really_ strong stuff on him.
Groo: [to himself] What am I forgetting, what am I forgetting,
what am I forgetting, hm this is good, what am I hmm... this
is good too....
[And so the evening went with no one noticing the shadowy figure
outside the window watching the family dine.]
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter Five - "Cats Like to Play With Mice"
[It is a busy day in the Cat's Cafe. Cologne is cooking in the
kitchen while Moose scrubs dishes, Shampoo waits tables and
Shampoo's father is at the counter taking orders and money. Groo
had gone to school with Kuno but after Kuno went to class Groo
decided to investigate this strange new city. It was not long
before hunger took over and he began following his most prominent
organ...]
Groo: Hmm.... mmm... smells good.....
[With his might nose uplifted he lets the small drag him forward
into the Nekohanten. Shampoo greets him at the door, and notices
his strange appearance and poor clothes. She does her best to
communicate with him in her stilted Japanese. Unfortunately she is
not a master of tact.]
Shampoo: Hello. Welcome to Nekohanten. You hear to eat? What
you pay with?
Groo: Um, let me see?
[Groo scrounges in his pockets for several minutes and then proudly
presents to a bewildered Shampoo a handful of somewhat dirty
coins.]
Shampoo: What these?
Groo: Kopins. See? One, two, three, four, five, seven, six,
two, twenty...
[As Groo begins counting Shampoo gets a disgusted look on her face
and takes a very firm tone of voice.]
Shampoo: What? You silly. We only take yen. Get out of here,
stupid man.
[Reaching for his swords...]
Groo: Hey! You can't talk to me like that! [momentarily puzzled]
What was it you said?
[With bonboris in hand ready to fight.]
Shampoo: I say you nincompoop, fool, moron, dopey, fool, schmuck,
Hare Krishna reject from a Madonna movie!
[Putting his swords back.]
Groo: Oh. I thought you said I wasn't smart.
[Groo turns around, disappointed that he didn't get to kill anyone
and thus somewhat losing his appetite. Forgetting why he came here
he begins to leave when a man with a long Chinese mustache runs up
and grabs Groo's shoulder.]
Shampoo's Father: Excuse me stranger. Perhaps you would be so
kind so as to assist here at the Nekohanten! We need someone to
test our wares. Perhaps you would be so kind so as to have some
ramen, that his noodles, and beef. Free, of course!
[Groo, momentarily confused by the terms ramen and beef was
doubtful but was hungry. He thought it a novel idea to get a bite
to eat, especially since his stomach was growling and wondered why
he hadn't thought of it earlier, unaware that he had. The free
part cinched it and he walked in with the man. After Shampoo's
Father put him at a table with some food, Shampoo dragged him away
to talk.]
Shampoo: Father, why you give that strange man food? He no pay!
Shampoo's Father: Do not ask me daughter. Your grandmother asked
me to come out here and make sure he came in.
[With that he returned to the counter and Shampoo ignoring the
customers walked into the kitchen.]
Shampoo: Great-Grandmother!
Cologne: Yes, grand-daughter.
Shampoo: Why you want that dirty man. He stinks of uncooked pig.
Cologne: Perhaps but he also reeks of power. When you are my age
dear you will be able to feel the power around those who do
not emit battle auras. His is greater than only a few I have
ever felt, including myself. [Shampoo is startled] Indeed,
I have only felt this type of power once before.
[with a sly tone in her voice]
Shampoo: What you plan, great-grandmother?
[with an evil look in her eye]
Cologne: What I think grand-daughter, is that Ranma has not
married you because he is unduly distracted. Among the most
dangerous of these is the laughing witch because, like us, she
is willing to do whatever it takes. It would be imprudent for
us to take care of her but this stranger might be perfect.
There is an aura of death around him and he already has reason
to strike and a means...
Shampoo: How you know this?
Cologne: Do not worry how I know this, just accept that I do.
When you are ready to be the clan's matriarch you too will
know. Now, take these bowls out to our guest. I will be
there to speak with him shortly. These are memory noodles.
I have a feeling he will need them to remember our
conversation, or anything.
[Switching our view to outside we see a short shadowy figure. It
is Sasuke, watching Groo as he was ordered to by mistress Kodachi.
His feelings were mixed. On one hand he didn't like the master and
mistress paying this "Groo" so much attention when they always
treated him like scum. On the other hand he was a servant and
mistress Kodachi hadn't had him "help" with any experiments since
Groo showed up. All in all he could live with the situation. In
about half an hour Groo wandered out, still carrying a bowl of rice
dumplings with him and eating while he walked with his fingers.
Disgusted, Sasuke followed. As Sasuke jumps from the alley way we
see a shadowy figure and it slowly steps into the light revealing -
Hikaru Gosunkugi!]
Hikaru: Ha ha ha ha ha! I will follow you strange one. I know
you are magical. My horoscope said today would be my lucky
day. I will discover the magics that will make Akane mine!
[Hikaru begins to laugh manically and holds triumphantly a voodoo
doll in one hand and nail in another. We then see another shadowy
figure walk up behind him. He however does not step out of the
alley, instead he lifts his arm behind Hikaru and knocks him out
with a giant mallet, revealing a small hand and a blue sleeve. As
he bends down to pick up Hikaru he puts down his package and we get
to see that it is a book entitled "Einstein's Relativity and Hyper-
Dimensional Mallets, The Paradox Revealed" by M. Kofungzi.]
Shadowy Figure: [dragging off Hikaru] I wonder if, uf! heavier
than he looks, I wonder if he realizes how he talks out loud.
[looks around] Now, I wonder where I can put him to keep him
out of trouble - ah! perfect.
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter Six - "Nobody Gets Out Alive"
[The sun is high over Nerima as the witless Samauri wanders around
the district in his gi. In a lesser man Kuno's expression would
simply look like contemplation, or perhaps even bewilderment. In
him it simply looked like constipation. Fortunately as he rounds
a corner he finds himself face to face with Ranma and Akane. A
little surprised and distracted by Akane Ranma begins to say hello
to Kuno.]
Kuno: You! Defiler of women! Enemy of all life and kittens! You
have spirited away the noble warrior Groo like you have the
Pig Tailed Goddess. The Gods Will Not stand for this.
[Kuno has grabbed Ranma by his shirt and Ranma is a little taken
aback by this sudden mindless tirade but is about to pound Kuno
into the ground when Akane grabs Kuno and slams him into a wall.]
Akane: Jerk! And it had been such a nice day.
Ranma: Geez, what made him freak out this time? [to himself]
Glad Akane whacked him instead of me, I don't feel like
another lecture about being too violent from her.
Akane: Let's find out.
Ranma: OK.
[Akane and Ranma begin digging Kuno out of the distinctly Kuno
shaped hole in the wall and wake him up.]
Kuno: Ranma you lout! Akane, sweat, gentle, fair Akane, how could
he enchant you so as to make you walk with his most diseased
self? How my heart will swoon and die!
[Kuno is stoically crying with his back to the sun and Ranma looks
ready to invent a new form of violence just to beat the living hell
out of Kuno.]
Akane: um, uh [to herself] Ah, forget it. It'd be pointless to
explain anyway. [to Kuno] So, Kuno-sempai. What are you
doing anyway. You looked like you were looking for something.
Kuno: Ah, yes, I must not be distracted - even by this sorcerer -
from my sanctified mission. The noble Groo had left me at the
gates of our fine educational monolith in order to learn his
environs and I fear he has lost his way. For a while I feared
that he may have been under evil intended magics, but now I
see that the most evil of such practitioners [he glares at
Ranma who looks at the sky and starts whistling] has been
preoccupied with more lascivious pursuits.
Akane: [cheerfully] We'll help!
Ranma: [aghast] Wh, wh, wha WHAT!?!
Akane: [reproaching] Come on Ranma, [now a little angry] can't
you see he needs help!
Ranma: [to himself] Kuno sure needs help, and I know just what
kind. [to Akane] OK, lets help the dolt out.
Kuno: Humph. I suppose I will let your snivley self have some
degree in honor in assisting myself.
[Kuno turns away just in time not to see Ranma about to put his
fist through Kuno's teeth by way of the back of his head when Akane
grabs his arm. Ranma calms down (a little). He won't admit it but
he was having fun with Akane and is mad that Kuno interrupted.]
Akane: [to herself] I wonder what Ranma is so mad about. He's
usually used to Kuno. I thought he'd be glad to be rid of
having to walk around with me. [to Kuno and Ranma] Well,
where do we start.
[After a second of constipation, uh, I mean consideration Kuno
begins. Ranma gets a "oh, no" look on his face.]
Kuno: Well, obviously as a noble warrior he must be drawn to the
rising sun but as the sun has risen perhaps the imperial
palace of Kyoto will call to him in which case he has
obviously wandered north, but perhaps he will go by way of
[Yes, Kuno's geography is as acute as his logic. Akane begins to
drawn out Kuno when.]
Kuno: But, wait. Where has that diabolical Satan that you have
been wrongfully betrothed to wobbled to. Oh, at last you and I can
be alone and in bliss my beloved!
[Kuno grabs Akane's hand and she's about to pound him when]
Kuno: What am I doing?
Akane: THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW!
Kuno: Of course you are right, fair Akane. That enemy of women
kind is only motivated by his evil nature as I am by my holy
blood. Undoubtly he has taken advantage of my distraction to
take possession of the Pig Tailed Goddess. I must follow him
and save her at last!
[Kuno runs off in Ranma's last known direction]
Kuno: [screaming] Evil personified, coward, show yourself to my
wrath.
[Akane runs after Kuno and looks very tired]
Akane: I can't believe these are my friends. Maybe I should
join a religious cult.
[Soon, the trail dead ends and as Kuno is looking around he spies
the likely suspect for Ranma's attention. Akane thinks that the
area looks awfully familiar and then realizes why. Yep, that's
where Kuno is heading. Utchan's.]
Kuno: [now inside and spying Ranma at the counter] Misbegotten
son of dog feces! How dare you take this occasion to satiate
your bottomless gut you base dweller in horses's water.
[Akane and Ranma have quizzical expressions, wondering what Kuno
meant by the horses statement (think about it). But, Akane snaps
out of it.]
Akane: Yeah, Ranma! What's your problem? We were supposed to be
looking for Groo.
Ranma: [irritated] Oh, siding with Noodle Brain-sempai here now,
huh? Well, if I didn't know where to go this would certainly
be my first choice! And
[but before he can finish]
Akane: [angry] OH! So, you'd come to Ukyou's would you!
[WHAM. Ranma's stool flips over as his head hurtles into a wall
and there is the distinct sound of a neck dislocating as the weight
of his body jerks on his neck and a bone snaps out of place.]
Ranma: [weakly, finishing his last thought] besides, Groo is over
there.
[Weakly pointing with one limp finger, Ranma now collapses against
the floor. Surprised there is Groo standing behind the counter,
flipping fish up with one sword, cutting, cooking and seasoning
them in seconds with nothing but swords and serving sashimi to some
customers. At that moment Ukyou walks out from a back room.]
Ukyou: [walking over to Akane and Kuno] Hey guys! Hey, have you
met this guy Groo. He's great isn't he? [she now sees Ranma]
Oh, Ranma darling!
[Ukyou runs over to Ranma and begins holding him in her lap and
talking to him much to Akane's irritation.]
Kuno: [to himself] Akane's face doth grow crimson. Of course!
She must be irritated at my uncultured brain. She desires me
to hold her! [To Akane] Fair maiden, I shall embrace thee!
[Kuno lunges, arms outstretched to Akane only to have his face meet
her fist and his face the floor.]
Kuno: Saotome made you do that. [he collapses back down]
Akane: There, I feel better now. [to Groo] What are you doing
here?
Groo: (grumph, munch, chew, chew,) Eating. [grabs some tea] Is
good but could use cheese dip. Tasty fish.
[Ranma pulls himself up and walks over, making sure he steps on
Kuno enroute to the counter.]
Ranma: That's disgusting.
Akane: Like YOU'RE one to talk Mr. I eat rice cakes in the middle
of chemistry!
Ranma: At least I don't put cheese on them. Yuck. eeep!
[That last sound was a high pitched squeak generated from the back
of Ranma's throat by a warm, soft, molding pair of hands running up
his chest, paired by two other warm, soft things pressing into his
back, followed by the rest of the body, all barely covered by the
St. Herberke's School for Girls standard uniform. However, judging
from the intense red color filling Ranma's face, neck, hands,
ect... whatever Kuno Kodachi was whispering to Ranma was not school
regulation.]
Akane: BAKA!
[Fortunately, for once Akane seemed to have judged correctly that
Kodachi was the source of this situation. Unfortunately, for
Ranma, Kodachi was behind Ranma and Akane didn't mind going through
him to hit her. The result was Ranma moaning on the floor and
Kodachi jumping back.]
Ukyou: [coming over] What are you doing here, wilted rose?
[icily] You are not welcome.
Kodachi: That's Black Rose, servant girl. And I came for my
beloved Ranma-sama. [she kneels and puts Ranma's head in her
lap] Which seems to have been a good idea with his violent
fiancee determined to kill him to keep him from his true love,
me.
[Akane gets mad and Ranma choose this inopportune time to start
waking up. Groo has finished his sashimi and has moved on to
eating rice cakes covered in soy sauce. He had thought them to be
black cheese dip and has decided that they aren't too bad.]
Ranma: hmmmm comfy ...augh.... hurt .... thank you Akane... yeah
.... just rub me there
[Once again Ranma's mouth is about to get him creamed by Akane
until Ukyou disarms her, simply because it is a part of her
restraint (a chair) being used as an improvised weapon. Ranma,
once again realizing that Akane is threatening his life a little
too late jumps up.]
Ranma: What are you doing?!?
Akane: Separating two love birds, you hentai!
Ranma: Hey, she assaulted me!
Akane: You certainly weren't working to hard to peel her off of
you were you! Just what was she saying to you?
Ranma: [brain frozen with fear] Uh.... I don't recall!
Akane: Yeah, right!
Ranma: Well, its kind of hard to concentrate on things like that
when getting hit by uncute tomboys with fists like bricks.
Kodachi: [once again latched onto Ranma] Oh, beloved, how I ache
for you. I know your honor demand that you stay with this
tramp because of family but still I wish you could come with
me.
Akane: Who are you calling a tramp!
Kodachi: The way you string all of those boys along. Even my
moronic brother.
[as if on cue...]
Kuno: [finally getting up] So the Mistress of Evil has appeared.
Kodachi: Nice to see the shallow end of the Kuno gene pool hasn't
changed his habits. Still following this whore and convorting
in pedestrian shops I see. Here, have a flower.
Kuno: Hah, I know your mind sister [he takes it] and I am immune
to your elixirs. You and that sorcerer Satoame deserve each
other. [the flower explodes and he falls asleep]
Kodachi: [calmly] I changed the recipe.
Akane: Look, I do not string men along, they just come after me.
Ranma is the philanderer, constantly hitting on women.
Kodachi: Hah! Ranma can not help it if his beauty and charm can
overwhelm the most feminine of senses.
[Akane looks to Ranma who looks uncomfortable. He hates to admit
it but he does kind of like Kodachi's flattery and she is very
affectionate if a little scary.]
Kodachi: Of course, that's probably why you're immune to Ranma-
sama, you not really being a girl or anything. Strange, how
you keep that harem of men though. A transsexual
homosexual?
Akane: [fuming] I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I ONLY SLEEP WITH A PIG!
Kodachi: [icily] Ah, a hentai too then. Really, why don't you
give up Ranma-sama, I can give you the address of a good farm
yard to do your slumming in.
[Groo at this point has moved beyond the rice cakes and is sorting
around Ukyou's supplies. Ukyou has moved to watch the conflict and
help out Ranma if there is a need. He has found a selection of
yakisoba noodles and is enjoying those while he knows he is
forgetting something but he can't remember what. Something to do
with the witch though....]
Akane: [now at critical mass] Die!!!!
Ranma: We don't have to fight!
Ukyou: Not in the restraint!
Kodachi: [pulling out a ribbon] I'll drown you in pig dung you
perverted enemy of love! [she spins out of her school uniform
leaving her in only her leotard]
Akane: [in a defensive stance] Try it!
[Having finished off everything in sight Groo has perched himself
behind the counter and is looking forward to some pleasant violence
to help him digest his meal. It would have been even better cooked
but oh well.]
Kodachi: You should beg me for mercy. [she whips out a ribbon
which Akane dodges] You are nothing but common trash.
[Akane begins a kick in the air only to see Kodachi already
countering with a rod. Akane shifts her momentum to land but with
a foot Kodachi has thrown a mace at her, hitting her in the leg and
throwing off her balance, making her land awkwardly on her ankle.]
Kodachi: Its over for you now.
Akane: [stalling to try to find an advantage] Why are you
bothering us?
Kodachi: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Actually, I came seeking the bum that my
brother brought home with him. I have need for a food taster
and thought he could pay for his lodging by helping out with
a few chores. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[While this is going on Groo is in visible pain. He's trying to
think, an activity he is not in proper condition for. Last night,
the witch, something the mummy at the restraint said to him....
hmmm if only he could remember.]
Akane: Then why are you bothering us?
Kodachi: [lunging with two ribbons slashing separate directions and
entangling Akane's bad ankle] HA! Conceited peasant,
thinking everything is about you! I merely stopped to have a
lover's talk with my beloved Ranma, something you could not
possibly understand!
[Akane tries to jump at Kodachi but with one ankle entangled he
can't manage enough force and Kodachi entangles her left hand.
Ranma is about to intervene and Ukyou to stop Ranma (after all with
Akane gone Ran-chan would be hers).]
Kodachi: (gloating) Come now. Maybe if you beg I'll spare you.
I'll let you marry my brother and the two of you can clean out my
fertilizer piles for me. HAHAHAHAHA Come on, beg for your life
mendicant.
Groo: [at a whisper] Mendicant? Mendicant, mendicant,
mendicant.... Ah, a doctor! [he looks elated and then goes
down] No, no, where do I know that word from...
[Akane tries to fight back but every time she tries Kodachi pulls
on the ribbons, moving Akane around like a puppet.]
Akane: [struggling] I'll get free from this Black Rose.
Kodachi: [gloating] No you won't. Who'll save you? Ranma-
darling and Ukyou, she wants you gone as much as I do. Or
maybe your hoping that ball of dirt, the mendicant will help
you.
Groo: That's it. [pulls out his swords and jumps] Nobody calls
me a mendicant! [to himself] I'll have to ask that mummy
what it means again later.
[In a furious series of strikes the ribbons holding Akane are
sliced and cut by Groo and he approaches quickly on Kodachi.
Kodachi has never fought anybody who used real swords much less
with the fanatic venom of Groo. As she dodges Groo manages to
continually nick her and rip off more of her clothing, revealing a
body done injustice even by a leotard. Ranma, who normally would
interject, suddenly develops a nose bleed and passes out. With
Ranma's sudden shyness and Akane's debilitation it was up to Ukyou
to prevent Groo and Kodachi from destroying Ukyou's restraint.
About a third of the furniture was already gone as Kodachi threw it
at Groo trying to slow him down. Ukyou grabs her big-ass
spatula(tradmarked) and slams Groo back, giving Kodachi a little
space but almost immediately he was back up and without even
looking sliced the spatula down the middle. She now grabs a raw
okonomiyaki and tries to blind Groo by throwing it in his face but
fails as he eats it by pulling the entire matter into his mouth and
swallowing whole.]
Kuno: [suddenly awake again] Stop noble warrior. Let not like
fight against like. Our souls should not be brought into
discord by these matters so trivial.
[Groo simply sees another person to kill and does as Groo does.]
Kuno: Ah, but of course, it is of some matter of honor that my
sister has impinged upon you. I hold no onus upon you but as
she is my sister I must defend her and thus (oh angst!) two
titans must meet in mortal combat!
[Groo just keeps coming and quickly reduces Kuno's bokken to dust.
He raises his sword....]
Kuno: If I must pass from this earth then so be it, let it be as
such, but oh, what shall the fair Akane and Pig Tailed Girl do
without my light in their lives!
[Kuno's musing aside, Groo's sword has reached its apex and
everyone is too battered to intervene in time. This is the end..]
DAARRRRRLLLLLIINNNGGGG!!!!!!!
[A high pitched voice shatters the scene as the shadowy figure
emerges into the light and Kuno's life is preserved as everyone
stares towards
the end of chapter six.
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Chapter Seven : Final - "The Stranger"
[In the wreckage of Utchan's we find Kuno almost killed, Kodachi
sliced and diced, Akane battered, Ukyou beaten and Ranma recovering
from a nose bleed that made him pass out. Standing out of the
shadows is a thin framed man wearing glasses, identified as the
source of the screams, standing there sheepishly with a package
under one arm.]
Stranger: ahh.... hajimemashite. I'm sorry about this.
[Ranma is presently hiding behind Akane, having assumed the worse,
hearing "Darling" being screamed and comes out as he realizes that
it is a man and not another suitor. Or at least so he hopes.]
Ukyou: Excuse me sir. But, why did you scream "Darling" just
now.
Stranger: Well, you see, I needed to break up the fight and
somehow I thought that it would get people's attention.
Ranma: [coming out from behind Akane] Well, it certainly, did
that. Hey, just who are you anyway?
Stranger: Well, you don't know me, my name is Sakakibara Tomoki,
freshman and president of my otaku manga circle.
Akane: What are you here for though?
Tomoki: Well, in a way this sort of concerns me, or at least I
feel it does since none of you realize something that you
probably should.
Cologne: Watch your mouth sonny!
Ranma: Woah! [he jumps into Akane's arms after being startled by
Cologne's sudden appearance with Moose standing behind her]
Akane: Why do you keep jumping or hiding behind me?
Ranma: Why do I keep letting you hit me?
Akane: Pervert.
Ranma: Violent tomboy.
[We return to see Moose signing a book for Tomoki.]
Ukyou: What happened to Kodachi and Kuno!
[Suddenly everyone realizes that the demented siblings are gone,
with only a few of Sasuke's accidentally dropped smoke bombs and
grappling hooks, found by Akane, to indicate that he had hauled
both of them off.]
Cologne: Well, it matters not since our main concern is Groo.
Groo: What?
[Groo, during this episode has been busy trying to get a nap on top
of a table, presuming that since he finished eating and that the
fighting was over sleep was the only course of action left.]
Cologne: You, warrior, are from a distant land and realm, one I
fear where its very natural laws are anathema to ours. I fear
that you bring the taint of those along and could do great
damage to us. There are warring powers here of great
significance. I have only begun to work it out but...
Tomoki: But, fortunately, I have it all worked out.
Cologne: Didn't anyone ever tell you not to interrupt your elders
boy?
Tomoki: Yep, but they didn't say anything about oni. [wham]
Cologne: Don't worry, my hickory stick doesn't carry the same wham
it once did. He'll be awake in a few minutes.
Tomoki: Hah! Back up already. I grew up in a catholic school so
you'll have to do better than that if you want me to stay
down.
Cologne: [grumble, bitch, moan] Damn kids these days...
Tomoki: Anyway. [everyone gathers around] Groo is from another
universe.
Everyone: What!
Tomoki: Yep. Apparently a very different one.
Ukyou: I've seen movies like that, but aren't other realities
supposedly places where probability is altered only slightly?
Tomoki: Well, sort of. There are a theoretically different number
of universes. Our universe touches on universes where the
only difference is an infinitely regressive series of
fractions of a second temporal distance but eventually given
enough of a regression it creates substantial changes. These
changes follow a sine curve. Therefore, realities at a
significant difference, at the peak of a curve, can most
easily interact with those at other peaks.
Ranma: But, how does a freshman know all this stuff?
Tomoki: Easy. Comics!
Everyone (except Groo): WHAT!?!?
Cologne: That's it. I'm outta here. Come along Mr. Part Time.
[Cologne and Moose leave]
Akane: How do you expect us to believe this?
Ranma: Yeah, the old ghoul is right [Akane clobbers him before
Ranma can finish the sentence, assuming the ghoul reference is
to her and not Cologne.]
Akane: What proof do you have?
Tomoki: [grins] This !
[Tomoki pulls out some American comics from his book bag and shows
them to the group. They are of Groo The Wanderer by Sergio
Aragones.]
Tomoki: Thanks to these, I know everything about Groo and the
difference between his world and ours?
[Everyone still looks puzzled except for Groo who is, as usual,
taking this all in stride.]
Ranma: I still don't understand. I mean, I can see the alternate
universe thing but why the comics?
Ukyou: I think I get it. If there are an infinite number of
realities than any given piece of fiction in one universe will
eventually exist as a perfect reality in one other universe
and near perfect in any number of others.
Tomoki: Exactly!
Akane: So, you mean that in some reality somewhere, we might be a
comic book?
Tomoki: And TV show and in one someone will think of us and then
discard the idea and in another we become a religion and in
another Groo is also a comic and this is a crossover and .....
ect..... given an infinite number of universes all will happen
given an infinite period of time.
Ranma: Ah, come on! I mean who would want to read about an uncute
tomboy like.... uh, oh [WHAM!]
[Ranma's one second too late revelation doesn't save him from
Akane's wrath and we gratefully fade out on the group, ready to go
grovel before Cologne for help in sending Groo home. Over the next
week hilarity, physical pain and action continues as a quest is
undergone to re-patriot Groo back to his realm. Eventually they
succeed but that is another tale, for now we must be content in the
aftermath.]
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Aftermaths
*************** One ***************
[Groo sits upon a sandy beach watching the waves and looking sad.
Suddenly there is a pop and Ruffereto appears beside him.]
Groo: Ruffereto!
Ruffereto: <Groo!>
[Groo grabs Ruffereto and hugs him tightly.]
Groo: Where were you? I was worried that you had disappeared
while I disappeared?
Ruffereto: <You wouldn't believe it..>
Groo: So, lets find something to eat. By the way, where did you
get that yellow and black scarf
**************** Two ***************
[Ranma, Akane and Ukyou are sitting around Utchan's. They've made
some attempt to at least sort through the debris and all look
exhausted. They are eating chips and drinking soda.]
Akane: How many times have we had to clean this exact same kind
of thing up?
Ranma: I don't know but I hope to never have to again. Yawn.
[Ranma lays down.]
Ukyou: [while falling asleep] Talking of mindless violence, I
wonder what happened to Ryouga during all of this.
*************** Three ***************
[The Kuno household, Sasuke is hiding and Kuno is in his room.]
Kuno: Oh, how the heavens weep for me [its raining] over the
losses in my life! Surely I am tested by the gods to observe
my paragon of piety at labor.
[Kodachi calls out from her garden.]
Kodachi: Brother, oh brother-dear! Why don't you help me with
this flower it'll take your mind ... er, take your mind off
your problems!
*************** Four ****************
[Its raining, Shampoo and Cologne are inside the Nekohanten.]
Cologne: Well, grand daughter, our plan to eliminate the black
rose failed but at least it was amusing eh?
Shampoo: [to herself] sigh, how long will I have to wait for
future husband.. [out loud] Yes, great grandmother. What is
next delivery?
Cologne: There are none now. In fact business is slow so I am
going upstairs to rest. Clean up the kitchen and then you may
take the afternoon off to practice.
Shampoo: Yes, great-grandmother. [Cologne leaves] Now, where did
great-grandmother put passion spice bottle...
*************** Five ***************
[The scene opens in a celestial garden wherein a monkey carrying a
staff and a large green skinned man with four arms are playing
chess.]
Monkey: To Queen's seven, Azolbade.
Azolbade: Stalemate, Monkey King.
Monkey King: I thought for a while that your champion would surely
win.
Azolbade: As did I but I made the error of not accounting for the
unknown and you took advantage of my weakness.
Monkey King: A just lose on both sides then.
Azolbade: Agreed, though unresolved. Something was not right.
Monkey King: I agree. The game was influenced. Someone else is
playing in our games.
Azolbade: Something that bears investigation.
*************** Six ***************
[From a dumpster somewhere in Nerima]
Hikaru Gosunkugi: Hello! Hello! Is anyone out there? Help!
=================================================================
Afternotes,
Spelling errors - I tried to avoid them but probably made them.
Sorry.
Plot - ok. Its a pretty oddly structured plot. As you undoubtly
noted it jumps from an "end" to aftermaths that take place
(obviously) once Groo has returned to his realm. This story has a
resolution - the understanding of the situation, and though Groo's
return home is inevitable it isn't a part of this story. If
someone else wants to write it - have fun. When I started this
story I had ideas for a bunch of Ranma fan fics but at this time I
have no great driving interest in doing it. I'll one day do them,
when I have more in mind than a few loose elements. There are so
many Ranma 1/2 fanfics and most of them are mediocre and repetitive
and I don't want to add to that and instead let the really talented
writers have the light. Oh, well. I hope you liked this journey
into my mind :>
This, and other junk of mine, can be found on my home page,
the broken mirror productions homepage at
http://199.222.128.14/students/rhamby/
adios.
rogan hamby
broken mirror productions
hambyr@science.coker.edu