Subject: The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!! (Ep. 4)
From: "Erin Mills version 2.0" <MILL0622@Badger.Snow.edu>
Date: 3/17/1996, 7:00 PM
To: fanfic@tendo-dojo.ranma.net

Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment presents...

A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production

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    ----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
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by Erin Mills and Christopher Wilmore "The Great Fanfic Scammers!!!"
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With apologies to the creators of the characters herein
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Episode 4: Hey! The Dead Have Rights Too, Ya Know!
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OBLIGATORY NOTES N' QUOTES:

    Time: immediately after the end of ep. 3

    "We want you to find out who is manipulating Reality."
    "Get out of here!"
        ---Ruby and the Rodent Kapoor, "The Adventures of Ruby" 
    
    "Looking back on it now, I find that getting arrested was a good 
thing...at least I couldn't be held responsible for the mess at the 
Washington Monument this time."
                                ---Aaron Miller, said in 1998
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    Aaron's cab pulled up to the Smithsonian. The time was 9 AM. 
Unbeknownst to him, the bridge of the SDF-1 was due to crash land 
exactly where he was standing in approximately 2 hours.
    Anyway, he dashed up the steps to the Museum of American History. 
He had to stop Lupin from stealing whatever it was he was stealing. 
 He knew Mallory and Zenigata were headed for wrong place, Lupin had 
sent them on a wild goose chase, but Aaron knew where he'd gone.
    It was logical really, Fujiko was in the car with him, they were 
in close proximity to the Smithsonian, Lupin was an incurable sex 
addict, especially when Fujiko was in close proximity. 
    End result: Fujiko was going to get Lupin to swipe something for 
her. And if Aaron knew Fujiko's tastes, that something was...

    "The Hope Diamond!" said Fujiko, staring at the diamond from the 
balcony above the display case. "What a sight,"
    "Indeed," said Lupin, looking in the vicinity of Fujiko's chest. 
Fujiko noticed and stood up.
    "You know the deal, Lupin," she said, smirking. "You get the 
diamond and then you get me,"
    "I know, I know," said Lupin. 
    He pulled back his right arm, as if going to punch thin air, but 
when the follow through came, a minature plastic grapple attached to 
a length of monofilament wire came shooting out of his sleeve and 
wrapped itself around the chandelier above the display case.
    Lupin gave the line a few experimental tugs to make sure the 
grapple was set, then threw both legs over the balcony rail so he was 
sitting on the rail. He looked back at Fujiko.
    "How 'bout a kiss for good luck?" he asked.
    Fujiko smiled and gave Lupin's face a shove, sending him flying.
    "Oh, thank you so much!" said Lupin, annoyed, as he swung over the 
space above the display case. 
    He reached down to his belt with his left hand and flipped open a 
compartment on his belt buckle, revealing a small crank. He used the 
crank to lower himself towards the display case.

    "Where's the Hope Diamond?" Aaron asked the information desk.
    "Down the hall and to the left, sir," said the woman behind the 
desk. "But it's been closed for fumigation,"
    "Since when?"
    "Just now, sir. Two fumigators arrived and said they needed to 
fumigate the room. They had all the appropriate paperwork--"
    "Shit!" Aaron cursed, then made a dash for the display room. The 
woman at the desk looked at his receeding figure, then picked up the 
phone.
    "Lt. Mallory?" she asked, "You were right, all three of them are 
here..."

    Lupin had just managed to manuever past the electric eyes and was 
now working on deactivating the pressure sensitive plate in the 
display case.
    He checked the interior workings. A couple thousand miles of 
wiring stared back at him. Ah, the hell with it, there were easier 
ways to do this. Lupin reached into his back pocket and withdrew a 
large firecracker and a lighter. 
    He was preparing to light the fuse when Aaron burst through the 
doors to the display room.
    "Hold it, Lupin!" 
    "Who the hell are you?" Lupin asked, "Another one of Zenigata's 
lackeys?"
    "No, I'm not a cop, I'm someone who's had his life turned upside 
down in the past day and a half and I'm putting a stop to it right 
now. Where did you come from?"
    "From my parents, originally,"
    "That's not what I meant!"
    "No idea, Fujiko and I were in London not half an hour ago, then 
there was a blue flash and we found ourselves outside the Capitol 
Building. So, I decided to move up this heist,"
    "Really," said Aaron. "I suppose Fujiko promised to have sex with 
you if you got her this diamond,"
    "More or less," said Lupin.
    "Then how do you explain the taser she currently has pointed at 
us?"
    Lupin whirled around. Sure enough, Fujiko had her taser gun out 
and had it pointed in their general vicinity.
    "Sorry, Lupin, but I've got a client who wants the diamond. Just 
business. I'm sure you understand,"
    "Slight problem there, Fujiko," said Aaron.
    "And you, how do you know who we are?"
    "Would you believe that you don't exist here?"
    "No,"
    "Thought not," said Aaron. Lupin walked back from the window he'd 
gone to during the above exchange.
    "Hate to cut this short," he said to Aaron, reaching into the 
pocket of his jacket. "But since Zenigata and the D.C. police are 
outside, I think it's time we got out of here," 
    "Good idea," said Aaron. "I think I can find the back door..."
    "Thanks, but no thanks," said Lupin, pulling out the smoke bomb 
he'd been fingering and throwing it to the floor.
    The entire chamber was instantly filled with thick black smoke. 
Aaron thrashed around blindly, looking for the door. He bumped into 
something and suddenly felt an increase weight in the vicinity of his 
wrists.
    When the smoke cleared, Aaron saw approximately twenty cops with 
their weapons drawn, Mallory and Zenigata staring at him coldly, and 
the pair of handcuffs on his wrists.
    Lupin, Fujiko and the Hope Diamond were nowhere to be found.
    Mallory smiled.
    "I've waited a long time for this. Aaron Miller, you're under 
arrest for aiding and abetting a known felon. Read him his rights,"
    "Aw, hell!" Aaron said.
    
                *******

    "Aw, heck!" F**ker said.  "Don't bother with the Moon Healing
Activation, Usagi.  We're not youma."
    Sailor Moon blinked.
    "You know..."
    "About the transformation? Of course I do!"
    "But it's supposed to be secret..."
    "Let me get this straight. You do flashy pyrotechnics in the 
nude to change from a school uniform into a... a... into a more nicely 
cut version of a school uniform, and you expect no one to NOTICE?!?"
    The Moon Princess was growing redder by the minute. Then again, 
so was Captain Gloval.
    "Funny," he slurred, "I don't remember having any schtuff; but 
this is SOME trip... WHEEEEEE!!!"
    Lisa tried to pretend none of this was happening. Minmei 
giggled.
Sheeta stared at the sky.  Rick just stared.
    "Pyrotechnics... In the... Nude?" he stammered.
    "How could you even THINK about me in that way, you, you 
pervert!!!  Moon... Tiara..."
    F**ker interrupted her.
    "Please. Be my guest. If we're lucky, you'll kill us, and we 
won't have to put up with your whining when you change back."
    The heat generated by the sailor's anger was almost enough to
overcome the power loss caused by the spaceship's crash landing.
    "And how do you know so much ABOUT me, anyway?"
    "Zoisite told me all about you... USAGI."
    The Moon Princess blinked.
    "Zoisite's dead."
    "So am I."
    "WHAT?!?!?"
    "Long story. Wait. No, that's not right. Short story. I got 
blown up. I went to heaven."
    "Zoisite? In HEAVEN?"
    "With the budget cuts, they've had to give up on Hell."
    "This is getting stranger and stranger..." said Lisa.
    "Um... But... One thing..." said Sailor Moon.
    "Yes?" asked F**ker.
    "What's this rabbit you keep mentioning?" F**ker face-faulted.
    "It's your name!" he said. "It's what you're called when you're
wearing black shoes instead of red boots!"
    "No it's not!  Don't be silly! What kind of mother would name
her kid 'rabbit'?!?  MY REAL NAME IS SERENA!!!"
    Her words echoed through the park.  In the shadows, a figure
whispered to itself... <So that's who you are! At last.... My revenge
will be complete! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!>, then promptly vanished.
    "I just did a dumb thing, didn't I?" asked Serena.  The crew of
what had been the SDF-1 nodded.  "So, you're all ghosts?"  Lisa shook 
her head.
    "No," she said. "Only F**ker's dead."
    "Oh, really?" said Serena.
    "Really," said Lisa.
    "Then how come I can see through you?"
    "Nani?!?!?"
    "She's right, Lisa," said Rick. Hayes glared at him. "I mean...
She's right, Commander Hayes.  I can see right through your clothes, 
and... I...  I mean..." he blushed a deep red. "I just did a dumb 
thing, didn't I?" The crew of what had been the SDF-1 nodded.
    "Rick! How could you be so... so... And I had hopes that we..."
Lisa ran off into the distance, crying.
    "LISAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Rick got up from where he had been 
crouching and chased after her.
    "You're SURE you're not dead?" Sailor Moon asked the others, 
after the pair had disappeared from sight.
    "I dunno if we're dead," said Captain Gloval, "but this seems 
like HEAVEN!!!"
    "I hope that drug wears off quickly," said Fokker. "He's 
beginning to get annoying."
    "Could someone PLEASE tell me what's GOING ON???" asked Serena.
    "I don't know," said Minmei, "but it's FUN! When do we eat?"
    Sheeta continued to stare at the sky.
    "Er..." said F**ker, "The only people who might have been able
to explain this have left, so..."
    "I'd better call in for help." Sailor Moon pulled out her 
communicator.
    "Am... I mean, 'Sailor Mercury'... I need you over here right 
now.  I don't CARE if your final is tomorrow! A spaceship just 
crash-landed in front of the Washington monument." A pause. "Yes, I 
know that yesterday the Washington monument was far away from Tokyo, 
but that's changed. It's here, now. Just COME, OK?!? Geeze..." She 
pressed another button. "'Sailor Mars'? It's me. Ser... 'Sailor 
Moon'.  I need you at the Washington monument.  We're having some 
trouble with..." The remaining 'spirits' looked at her. Serena lowered 
her voice. "I'm having problems with g-h-o-s-t-s..."
    "Hey!" said Minmei. "That's SNEAKY! No fair SPELLING THINGS!"
    F**ker grinned.
    "You're gonna try to EXORCISE us? To tell the truth, I hope you 
do...  Nina's promised me a very pleasant evening tonight..."
    Sheeta looked down for the first time.
    "Exercise? I don't like doing anything PHYSICAL..."
    "I wouldn't worry about that..." said F**ker. "We're not quite
physical at the moment, so..."
    "Sailor Mercury, reporting for duty!" An impossibly blue-haired
girl in matching sailor fuku appeared on the scene.
    "Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" said Serena, and ran to hug her.
"These are... These are..."
    "F**ker," said F**ker.
    "Sheeta," said Sheeta.
    "I know we're impressive, but there's no need to SWEAR..." said
Sailor Mercury.
    "Those are our names," said F**ker.
    "My condolences," answered Mercury. "What's... Who's THAT?" she
asked, pointing at the now-collapsed Captain Gloval.
    "That's our captain," said Minmei. "He ate too many magic 
mushrooms.  Isn't he cute when he's asleep?"
    "And THAT'S Minmei..." said F**ker.
    "They're not sure whether they're alive," said Sailor Moon.
    "What?" asked Sailor Mercury.
    "They crash-landed, and they know that the cute blonde one's a
ghost, but..."  Mercury shuddered.
    "Better not let him near Jupiter," she said. "We don't want her
to turn necrophiliac..."  Serena nodded.
    "But the others don't know if they're dead or not. They think
they're alive, but they don't know why they're invisible."
    "You mean, 'translucent'."
    "I mean you can kind of see through them."
    "Never mind. I take it you flunked English again?"  Sailor Moon
blushed.
    "I... I did..."
    "ENGLISH?!?" said F**ker. "I thought you were Japanese!"
    "I AM!" said Serena. "And like everyone ELSE in Tokyo, I speak
English!"
    "I guess the SDF-1 really HAS been away for too long..." F**ker
said.
    "If you're confused, I might be able to help," said Mercury. 
She reached into an invisible pocket in her outfit and pulled out a 
small pink plastic item.
    "What's THAT?" asked Sheeta.
    "It's my Supercomputer."
    "Super... Computer?" Lusheeta was very confused.
    "You've never heard of a computer before?" Sheeta shook her 
head.
"But you've travelled through space?" Sheeta nodded.  Mercury looked
at F**ker for an answer, but he only shrugged.
    "No time to explain NOW," she said. "Just tell me everything 
you can about what's happened recently. I'll type it in and see what the 
machine comes up with."
    F**ker nodded. 
    "Minmei," he said, "I hate to say this, but you'll have to tell
the story, because I came in after the fun had started."  Minmei 
giggled.
    "Oh, I LOVE telling STORIES! Especially when they're about 
ME!!!"
    F**ker sighed. Sailor Moon looked for a nice place to curl up 
and take a nap.
    "Well, it began when I was trying to explain to Captain Gloval
how I should be subsidized..."

            ***************

    "...and that's all that's happened so far!" 
    "Is she done yet?" asked Serena, slowly waking up.
    "I certainly hope so," said F**ker. "Thanks to THAT, AND the 
drugs, I doubt we'll have to worry about the captain waking up..."
    "Hmm..." said Mercury. "Interesting..."
    "What is it?" asked Sheeta. "Has that machine told you what's
going on?"
    "You say the Zoisites warped..."
    "Zoisite's warped..." said Sailor Moon.
    "The ZENTRAEDI," corrected F**ker.
    "Whatever. The Z-things warped right before the beam hit you?"
    "Hai," said Sheeta.  F**ker and Minmei nodded.
    "Well, my computer tells me that it was YOU that warped, right
AS the beam hit you. So you're stuck in between being completely 
physical and being a collection of multicoloured dust particles."
    "One problem," said F**ker. "We couldn't warp.  That's why we
were stuck near Pluto."
    At the mention of the planet's name, Serena entered a dream-like
state...
    "Pluto..." she said, "Why does that name sound oddly familiar?"
    "Because it's the LAST PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM???" asked 
F**ker.
    "Hush!" said Mercury. "She's having one of her 'flashback' 
sequences. Pay attention."

[Start Flashback Sequence]

    For some reason, the world has grown all fuzzy and bright 
white, and though the scene is one where tons of people are assembled 
in what seems to be a court, if you try to look at anyone's face, they turn away, or
sink into shadow...
    At the head of a great hall is Serena, dressed in a white gown,
and looking very regal.  A messenger is kneeling at her feet.
    "Your Majesty," he says, "Your request for a companion has been
fulfilled. Pluto has arrived."
    "Send her in," said Serena.
    "Her, your Majesty?"
    Serena blinked.
    "I... I certainly hope so..."
    "A... As you wish, milady.  Here, boy!"
    With that, a large but scrawny yellow dog with black ears and a
red collar came bounding through the hall, to finally end up right 
before the throne. Before the Moon Princess could see its face, 
however, the images began to fade, and all she could hear as the memory 
faded was the messenger saying,
    "We had to battle a talking mouse to get it..."

[End Flashback Sequence]

    "Who needs Sharon Apple?" said F**ker. "Just hook 'er up to an
amplifier, and have everyone share in her flashbacks like this..."
    "Sharon Apple?" asked Minmei. F**ker began to sweat.
    "It's... er....  It's in your future," he said. "Your FAR 
future.  No need to worry about competition, Minmei... It's not like 
you'll get replaced by MACHINES, or anything..."
    "REPLACED?" exclaimed the singer.
    "Never mind," said F**ker.
    "Okay." Minmei giggled.
    "Getting back to the topic," said Mercury, "my computer's 
analysis indicates that except for the blonde..."
    "My name is F**ker."
    "I don't use words with asterisks in them, even if they're
proper names."
    "Then call me Roy."
    "All right. So, only 'Roy' is fully deceased, and the rest of
you would be dead, if you had stayed in your universe."
    "STAYED IN OUR UNIVERSE?!?" Lusheeta gasped.
    "Well, it seems that when you jumped..."
    "We couldn't jump," said F**ker.
    "I HOPPED!" said Minmei.  F**ker buried his face in his hands.
    "Is EVERYONE from outer space so weird?" asked Serena.
    "You didn't jump," said the blue-haired girl.  "Something
pulled you here."
    "What could have done that?" said Roy.
    "Same thing that pulled you out of heaven and into that ship,
and very likely the same thing that 'ported the Washington monument
into downtown Tokyo."
    "This isn't Tokyo," said Lusheeta. "I could see Japan as we
came close to the planet, and it was on the opposite hemisphere."
    "She's right, Miss Planet."
    "It's SAILOR MERCURY!"
    "Sailor? No wonder you all wear navy blue..."
    "Ha ha," said Mercury.
    "Are you done yet?" Serena whined. "Just tell me whether I 
should kill them or not, so we can leave...  I'm hungry..."
    "I'll be a while, but there's a hot dog stand at the entrance
to the park."
    Sailor Moon's eyes lit up.
    "Hot dogs?!?" she asked. "Really???"  Mercury nodded.
    "Oh, boy!" said Serena, and ran to the vendor.
    "Thanks for getting rid of her," said F**ker.
    "No problem."
    "Anyway," continued Roy, "we're in Washington, D.C.. In the 
U.S."
    Sailor Mercury blinked.
    "You're SURE?" she asked.
    "Unless the bridge's navigational equipment and my own eyes
failed."
    "But... but..." Mercury punched buttons on her computer
frantically. "The computer didn't say anything about..."
    "Erm... Miss Mercury?" asked Lusheeta. "Can your computer 
REALLY tell you all that stuff?"
    Mercury looked up.
    "Yes, it can."
    "But it's so small!" said Sheeta.
    "And plastic..." added Roy. "What network is it hooked up to?"
    "Network?!?"
    "Yep. Don't tell me you can store a database as large as the
one you need in something the size of a pencilcase... You've probably
hooked it up to a bunch of supermainframes somewhere, right?"
    Mercury began to sweat.
    "No... It's just... This thing..."
    "Oh? So we're supposed to believe that a pink plastic thing
about half as thick as my wrist and as long as my hand can answer
any question you can think of?"
    "Er... yes?" 
    "Wrong." said Roy.
    "Are you... Are you... FIBBING?" Lusheeta's eyes watered up at
the thought of being lied to.
    "No! I'm not! Look!" Mercury shoved the computer in front of
Lusheeta's face.
    "It says, 'Made in Taiwan'..." answered the Laputan heir.
    "Oh, look!" said Minmei. "Isn't that Mario and Luigi?"
    "WHAT?!?" Mercury's eyes widened, and she snatched the computer
back to look at it. "Tarnation! I forgot to press the 'Boss Key'!"
    "So you've REALLY been making it up?" asked Roy.
    Serena dropped the hot dog she was coming back with, as she
heard the exchange.
    "You mean that... All those times that we went on your 
advice..." Sailor Moon began to hyperventilate. "You were GUESSING?"
    Mercury nodded sheepishly.
    "I... I'm afraid so..."
    "We could have DIED! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Serena put on a 
waterworks display worthy of Soun Tendo.
    "Well, your explanation DOES cover all the bases," admitted
Roy, "even if it didn't come from a computer."
    "Thank-you."
    "But I think that you were yanked, as well... From Tokyo into
DC..."
    "I... I suppose that's possible..." admitted Mercury.
    "We're in the U.S.?!?!?" asked Serena. "Yippee!  I wanna go
to Disneyworld!"
    "That's in Florida, 'Sailor Moon'..." said Mercury.
    "Disneyworld? Is that some sort of military complex?" asked
F**ker.
    "It's an amusement park."
    "Can we go too?!?" asked Lusheeta and Minmei.
    "It's also very far away," said Mercury.
    "BWAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Minmei, Lusheeta and Serena cried in unison.
    "But wait!" Sailor Moon stopped wailing. "There's always...
Baskin Robbins!"
    "What?" Minmei and Lusheeta blinked.
    "ICE CREAM! AMERICAN ICE CREAM! AND FAST FOOD! McDONALD'S!
WENDY'S! BURGER KING! YAY!" Sailor Moon exclaimed ecstatically.
    Mercury turned red, her blush clashing severely with her hair.
    "I'd like to apologize for her behaviour," she told Roy. "She's
not always like this..."
    "It's OK," said F**ker. "Remember; I've had to deal with 
Minmei...."
    A red-and-white-clad figure entered the area.
    "Sailor Mars, reporting for duty."
    "It's about TIME you got here," said Serena.  "Where have you
BEEN?"
    "Sorry. I was busy with another exorcism." She turned to look
at Sailor Mercury. "By the way... I need you to fix a keyboard for
a ghost."
    "I'll get on it as soon as we're done here," said Mercury. 
"But... I didn't know ghosts could type."
    "He's not doing a very good job, but..." Mars shrugged. "The
guy's gone through a lot.  AND he's kind enough to wear a suit instead
of those ridiculous robes, horns and fangs that spirits usually put 
on."
    "Understood," said Mercury.
    "Are these the ghosts I'm supposed to put to rest?" Mars 
pointed at Roy, Minmei and Sheeta.
    "We're not sure... The cute blonde one is dead, for sure, but
the others are kind of in between."
    "Well, I'll try anyway..." She reached into a hidden pocket in
her sailor fuku, and pulled out a handful of wards.  Just as she was
about to put one on F**ker's forehead, a voice from behind interrupted
her...
    "Stop it right there!"
    "Huh?" asked Mars, and turned around.  Standing before her was
a girl, about her age, dressed in flashy Chinese clothes, and carrying
a glowing sword.
    "Leave such proceedings to your betters," she said.
    "I'm one of the Sailor Scouts! Who is it that claims to be
one of my 'betters'? I'll have you know I've been defeating youmas and
exorcising spirits for YEARS!"
    "I am Yohko, the 108th generation of Mamono hunters, and _I_ 
will put these spirits in their graves!"

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Next: Sailor Mars vs Devil Hunter Yohko in an all-out battle to the
      death!  Er.. For the death! I mean... For the dead! For the death
      of the dead! <You know what I'm trying to say...>

      Also... Uh-oh! Big trouble! Aaron's in jail! Will he escape?

      And... Rick Hunter and Lisa Hayes loose in Washington, D.C... 
      What kind of mayhem will ensue?

Find out in Episode 5 of "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":

    "When Unions Collide...!"
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Brought to you by Erin Mills v2.0 and Christopher 'Ratiko' Willmore

All DETAILED flames, comments, queries, speeches, large bribes, 
generous offers of food, and small arms cheerfully accepted.