Hi Brett,

Interesting idea you've got going here - bringing Trek to BGC rather than
BGC to Trek.  I know it sounds the same, but there *is* a difference (as a
local movie theater chain advertises).

I like this story (so far).  As I said, it's a little different twist, and
seems a bit more... serious (?) than what Fred Byon's going in *his*
Bubblegum Trek.

Of course, I've comments and questions (why else would I be writing this? <g>)

Firstly, do you realize you have two Chapter 2's out there?  The first one
is in what's on the remailer, where Leon shows up.  The second one is with
the second part that you sent to the ML a few days ago, right before Mara
and John meet the Outriders.

About the Endeavor: how big is a Nebula-class starship?  I find it
interesting that their 'rec area/bar' is also called "Ten Forward".  As I
understand it, Enterprise's "Ten Forward" was called that way because it was
the point farest forward on a Galaxy-class ship. 


Why doesn't Dr. Conroy show a bit of remorse over (it seems) abandoning his
patients in the triage area?  I'm talking about well before the breach
happens -- he's ducking into a shuttlecraft with his friends, leaving his
patients behind.  You'd think a doctor would be carrying on about not
leaving his patients behind.  (well that's how it seemed to me anyway)


Also, if Dunvar and Halman are an item, shouldn't she be a bit upset about
him being apparently dead?  Dunvar, Halman, Uslim, and Conroy are supposed
to be very good friends, but nobody has even mentioned that Halman's
supposedly dead.  (I say supposedly because I'm guessing if USSD has the
Captain then Genom has Halman <g>)


I like your explanatory notes, like the one about Murray being a river in
Australia.  I think you might want to move them to the end of the story as
end-notes or something tho - to me they seemed to break up the flow of things.


As to the Knight Sabers, do you know this is the only story I can think of
(off the top of my head anyway) where something happens to Sylia and Linna
takes over.  Usually it's Priss.  I'm curious about why you chose to go this
way - like I said, it's a different tack to take.


And finally, the boring, usual stuff.  You might want to take a re-read and
straighten out the contractions and possessives (your/you're, its/it's) and
things like that.  :)


Looking forward to the next part.





Jeanne Hedge

jhedge@water.waterw.com                
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"Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink..."
    --Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'